If December Ends
by Pairadice
Summary: Yuki is prescribed a brand-new drug to help cure his multiple personality disorder. Both Shuichi and Yuki have high hopes for Yuki's recovery but something goes wrong and things get worse. Will their love survive through Christmas? Or is this the end?
1. December 1st

Disclaimer: Gravitation belongs Maki Murakami.  
Author's Note: Welcome to the first chapter of _If December Ends_. I haven't written a chaptered story in some time so, it probably isn't very good. I have some good ideas for this story so, I hope I can somehow capture peoples' attention (somehow! Haha!). This chapter isn't very long...I hate writing the first chapter. It always just seems so...dry. I just can't wait to get to the interesting bits! So, anyways, I hust hope this isn't TOO disappointing for all of you! Haha! I'll stop being so hard on myself now!  
By the way, this is intended to be a Christmas story. Knowing the pace in which I work, I probably won't finish until that time! It's not overly Christmas-y...but, it's based around the season.  
OK! Read on!

Shuichi eyed his prey as he prepared to pounce. He was perched nimbly on the bed, ass in the air, he was ready. He arched his back, gave his rump a wiggle, and sprang.

"RABBIT RABBIT RABBIT!" Shuichi announced with vitality, landing on Yuki and shaking him violently out of his slumber.

"What the _fuck_, Brat?" Yuki shouted with a start. "Can't you tell when a person is trying to sleep around here?" he grumbled and pulled a pillow over his head in a feeble attempt to fall back asleep.

"Yukiiiii, you have to say 'rabbit'! It's the first of the month! If you don't, you won't get any good luck!" Shuichi whined, prying at his lover to fully wake him. "Plus, don't you think you've slept long enough? It's December 1st…don't you have an important appointment today?"

"What time is it?" Yuki asked from beneath his pillow.

"Half past noon."

"SHIT! My appointment is in a half hour! Why didn't you wake me earlier if you knew I had an appointment?" Yuki jumped out of bed and immediately began to strip. He grabbed any acceptable clothes he could find and hurriedly dressed himself. No time for a shower this morning.

"I told you that you wouldn't have good luck if you didn't say rabbit…"

"SHUT UP! Are you challenged? You're a real idiot, you know that, Shuichi?" Yuki spat out. He quickly tied his shoes and fixed his hair before he abruptly stood and dashed out the door.

Shuichi sat on the unmade bed, still in his pajamas himself. _Today's the day when Yuki will finally start to get better…_ Shuichi thought. He felt the warmth still lingering on Yuki's side of the bed. He sat in the afternoon sunlight scattered across the room and lost himself in thought.

* * *

Yuki sat in the waiting room perfectly concealed under his dark glasses, fedora, and long woolen trench coat. He observed the room with his head tilted down. The other patients were reserved and tense. No one spoke. The waiting room was quite small and tight with a peculiar set up. Upon entering, one was immediately greeted with the reception desk, which was jutting into the already tiny room. It was a separate room shielded by a glass window and had a separate door leading into it. There was a bench to the left of the door directly in front of the receptionist's window. Chairs ran along the left wall of the room. To the right was the door the Mr. Tanaka's office. The wallpaper was a dark green with an ugly floral design through-out which gave the room a gloomy feeling. The patients sat cramped together, flipping through magazines or staring into space.

The large door to Mr. Tanaka's room opened. A distressed mother and her teenage daughter emerged from the dimly lit room. The mother had visibly been crying. Her daughter appeared completely emotionless; clad in all black. She kept a blank expression on her face. There were deep scars running up her arms. Tanaka went up to the reception desk and asked the middle-aged secretary to write a prescription for the young girl.

"Uesugi Eiri." Tanaka called out. Yuki stood up and Tanaka ushered him into the room with a smile, shutting the door behind them.

Yuki quickly unmasked himself, ripping off his coat and hat. "It's damn HOT in her, doc." Yuki flopped on the couch and pet Tanaka's dog, WanWan. Mr. Tanaka always brought his dog to his appointments. For

many patients, the small dog acted as a form of comfort and simplicity. Though Yuki would never admit it, he was no exception.

"Let's get down to business." Tanaka said, lowering himself into his chair. "You are aware that this medication is not yet certified…it is still very much a prototype and all of the side effects are still unknown. Are you still willing to give it a try; for your own mental benefit as well as to benefit the research being done for this particular pill?"

"At this point, I'm willing to do anything." Yuki continued to stroke WanWan who was obediently perched on his lap. Yuki had become desperate to fix his multiple personality disorder not only for himself, but for Shuichi as well.

Tanaka started to riffle through his paperwork. "We are hoping that this pill will completely stamp out the animosity in you and further accentuate the side of you that is willing to love and cherish your boyfriend. It shouldn't change you so drastically that you will become a zombie but, it should at least allow one personality to shine." Tanaka explained. He went on to explain how the pill is supposed to work going on about the chemical changes that would be taking place in the brain. Tanaka summoned the liability contracts and handed them to Yuki.

"If you would please sign this form stating that we are in no way responsible for what may happen to you during this trial period." Yuki hardly skimmed through the paperwork before signing his name and handing it back to Tanaka. "How is Shuichi anyways?" Tanaka asked as he began to fill out Yuki's prescription form.

"Bastard is as annoying as ever." Yuki sneered. _But it's all going to change…I'll finally be able to show my true feelings and quite hiding behind this alternate persona._ Yuki thought hopefully.

Tanaka chuckled, handing prescription over "Hopefully that mentality will change." Tanaka said with a smile. "Good luck. Call me tomorrow and tell me how the first dose works out for you. It may take a couple of days for it to take any effect." Yuki slipped the prescription into his coat pocket. He concealed his identity once more, thanked the doctor, and left the building. Yuki strode down the street to the pharmacy to wait for his new prescription and his potential new happiness.

**Thank you for reading! Love you all!**

_To be continued..._


	2. Inception

Disclaimer: Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami. Just borrowing her lovely characters.  
Author's Note: Man, I'm banging this out way faster than I thought I would. I hope it's not moving too quickly (I don't think it is). Thank you to all who read the first chapter! I did not expect anyone to read it so, I was absolutely gushing with excitement when I saw that people had read it! Thank you!  
Anyways, here is Chapter 2. I'm not sure how I feel about it...I still feel like it is very introductory. Also, I'm not even going to pretend like I know anything about medications! Just saying it upfront; if it sounds weird, it's because I'm clueless. Also, the bit about Shepard's Pie...I don't know what Yuki's favourite food is so, I just used my favourite food and worked it into the story. Hope it doesn't sound too lame! Haha! But, I really do love Shepard's Pie. For those who might not know what it is, it's basically like mashed potatoes, ground beef, and corn all mixed into one. It's very good!  
Anyways, enough jabbering! Please enjoy!

Yuki slowly opened the door to the apartment expecting a full on cuddle attack but was surprised, and a little disappointed, when he realized no one was there. He stripped off his disguise and went to the kitchen to grab a beer. There was a note on the kitchen table.

"Yuki,  
I was called into the studio last minute. :(  
Don't know when I'll be home.  
Don't eat without me! I want to make you  
something special! :D  
I love you! *hearts*  
Shuichi"

Yuki folded the note and slipped it into his pocket, smiling. He grabbed his beer and went to the living room to sit on the couch.

Yuki took a long drink from his beer before setting it down on the coffee table. He opened the bag he had received from the pharmacy. He meticulously read the attached paperwork.

"Take twice a day (once in morning, once in evening) on a full stomach. Alcohol is not recommended while taking this drug. Some side effects may include: Dizziness, nausea, hot flashes, dry mouth, and disturbed sleep. The aforementioned side effects may or may not be present in all patients. All side effects are not yet known. If you experience any side effects not previously mentioned or experience any of the mentioned side effects severely, contact your doctor immediately."

_Seems simple enough._ Yuki thought, sipping on what was to be his last beer. _They forgot the most important side effect; happiness. This is it. It's all going to change from here. I'll be able to take down my defenses and finally give Shuichi the love he has always deserved from me. _

Yuki took the bottle of pills to the bathroom and stored them in the medicine cabinet. He would not take his first dose until after dinner. He went off to his study to work for the rest of the day but he was distracted. Yuki couldn't stop thinking of what his new life would be like. For so long he had hidden behind a barrier of hatred, always keeping his defenses up and never allowing anyone to get close enough to infiltrate his heart. But, then there came Shuichi; the unrelenting little brat who chipped slowly but surely through Yuki's thick wall of defense. Yuki was thankful for that kind of devotion. If he had never met Shuichi, never allowed him to break through to him, never loved Shuichi back, he might have never found a need to cure himself. But, now Yuki had a reason. He was determined to get better and leave his bitter past behind.

* * *

"I'm home!" Shuichi announced from the front door. Yuki snapped quickly out of daydreaming and hurried to greet his lover.

"So, how was it, Yuki?" Shuichi asked with a smile. His amethyst eyes looked so hopeful as he stared up into Yuki's. Yuki felt the heat rise up in him. _I'm not fixed just yet..._

"It was fine, brat. All he did was prescribe the pills." Yuki said, turning to sit on the couch. "From what I understand, dinner is on you. So, get in the kitchen where you belong and cook, Wifey." Yuki demanded. Shuichi didn't let his calloused words get to him tonight. Shuichi was hopeful; there was an end in sight. He had promised himself that he wouldn't sweat the small stuff. It would take a couple days before they saw any results. Until then, Shuichi vowed to treat Yuki the best he could, despite his typical rude remarks and arrogant attitude.

"Just you wait, Yuki! You're going to be surprised!" Shuichi declared as he tied his apron. "I bet you think I forgot ALL about you mentioning this!" Yuki waved a silencing hand at Shuichi.

"Do you ever shut up? It was so peaceful before you came home. Can you just shut up and cook?" Yuki lit a cigarette and took a deep drag. _May as well toy with the kid for one last night._ Yuki laughed to himself. He flipped through the medication's paperwork one more, slowly puffing on his cigarette. "I'm going to go work. Don't bother me unless my kitchen is in danger or the food is ready. Got it?" Yuki patted Shuichi on the head as if he was a pet. He went to his study and shut the door. Considering he was lost in thought for the majority of the day, he had to get cracking on his new book.

* * *

"Dinner's ready!" Shuichi called out from the dining room. It had been an hour since Yuki shut himself up in his study and he still hadn't written more than a paragraph. Like a child at Christmas, he just couldn't focus on anything else but getting better. He envisioned the whole new life he would lead and the countless possibilities he and Shuichi had in store as lovers.

Yuki stepped out into the dining room and was greeted by an impressive display. Shuichi had set the table in a traditional Western style. He had laid down a deep, wine red table clothe and placed two tacky placemats down across from each other. Shuichi had put the forks and knives on festive wreath-decorated napkins. Two ivory tapers burned slowly in the center of the table. The candles were held by a poinsettia centerpiece.

Most impressive of all was Shuichi. He had changed from his street clothes into a sweet little black suit and tie tailored perfectly to fit his small frame. He looked like the perfect little butler. Considering the countless times Shuichi had botched dinner in the past, Yuki was already pleasantly surprised. He couldn't help but smile widely at the sight.

"Please, sit down." Shuichi said, pulling out Yuki's chair. Yuki sat. He was speechless. It was no 5 star restaurant, that's for sure. But, it surpassed any restaurant in the world. It was clear the amount of effort Shuichi had put into this night and every inch of the table was set with love. Moments like these were priceless.

Shuichi returned from the kitchen with a platter. The room was filled with an unmistakable aroma. As soon as Yuki smelt it, he knew what it was. Yuki was overwhelmed; on the verge of tears. "The main course!" Shuichi said, placing the platter down in front of Yuki.

To any commoner, the dinner would be average at best. But, to Yuki, this simple dinner moved him. Shuichi had prepared Shepard's Pie; Yuki's favourite from America. Kitazawa would often cook Shepard's Pie for Yuki on special occasions. Yuki could never have enough. _How did he remember?_ Yuki thought. He had told Shuichi once randomly as they were shopping. It was the autumn of last year and they had gone to produce store. Yuki was half talking to himself as he mentioned how he had missed Kitazawa's Shepard's Pie on Thanksgiving in America. He wasn't even sure if Shuichi heard it.

"W-what's wrong?" Shuichi asked with concern as Yuki shaded his eyes. He looked at Yuki pleadingly. "I thought you liked this."

"I do." Yuki said with a whimper in his voice. "I love it." He paused and looked up at Shuichi. "Thank you." Shuichi returned Yuki's loving gaze and bent down to give his lover a gentle teasing kiss. He pulled away but kept his face close. "I'm glad." He smiled and went to his seat. "But this isn't the only surprise I have! Tohma gave me my Christmas gift early and it's a Christmas gift we can share!" Shuichi said, hardly able to contain his excitement.

"What is it?" Yuki said as he scooped some potatoes, corn, and beef onto his plate.

"Well, Tohma said he would pay for a trip for the both of us to go wherever we wanted for the holidays. I thought that we had gone to New York enough and, since we are starting things anew, I wanted to try something different. So, I chose to rent a cabin in Vermont! Isn't that great?" Shuichi announced, beginning to eat some Shepard's Pie himself. Yuki was relieved. It would be a nice retreat and the perfect way to spend the holiday with Shuichi; alone and away from the city.

"I'm glad." was all Yuki could manage to say. Shuichi continued to chat throughout the dinner about work and the new single the band was working on but Yuki could hardly pay attention. Still daydreaming about the bright future ahead, he lost himself in thought once more before finishing up the last of the Shepard's Pie.

Yuki got up from the table in the middle of Shuichi's jabbering and went to the bathroom to take his first pill.

"YUKI! Are you listening?" Shuichi called after Yuki. Yuki stepped out of the bathroom and gave Shuichi a tantalizing look.

"Sorry. Don't want to break a habit before I've even started" Yuki walked gently to Shuichi and lifted him right out of his seat, bridal style. "Plus, when you're dressed like this, I can't help but think of how many ways I could undress you." Yuki smirked. He walked over to the couch and tossed Shuichi onto. Shuichi loosened his tie and let Yuki do the rest.

"I may not have said rabbit but I really don't think there's anyone luckier than me right now." Yuki said softly as he finished removing the last of Shuichi's clothes. Lust took the lovers by storm and the already perfect night had been further perfected as they made love into the wee hours of the morning. They both fell asleep on the couch, clinging to each other and dreaming of the brilliance that was their future together.

**THANK YOU FOR READING! SO MUCH LOVE!  
**_To be continued..._


	3. One Step

Disclaimer: As previously stated, Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami.  
Author's Note: Back again, loyal readers! (Do I even have loyal readers? XD I'll pretend like I do!) So, I must say, I'm surprised that I have gotten a chapter up a day for three consecutive days. I don't think this kind of stamina will last but, hell! For the time being, I'm impressed with myself!  
As for this chapter, I don't know how I feel. I think I'm a little pronoun crazy (so many 'he's, 'his's, 'him's, etc.) I feel like the writing is a bit sloppy even though I went back and revised twice. ;_; I guess it is the best I can do!  
Thank you to all those who have read this story! And a special thanks to **melodie4894** for all of your kind words! I hope I don't disappoint you!

Shuichi slowly woke up to the blaring sunlight the filled the room. Shielding his eyes and lightly brushing his radiant pink hair from his face, he looked down at his still sleeping lover. The sunlight on Yuki's skin made him look so soft, Shuichi thought. Yuki was still entangled around Shuichi; his head propped under Shu's chin. Shuichi, careful not to wake him as he got up from the couch, slowly moved Yuki's limbs for around his waist.

Shuichi wandered aimlessly around the apartment. It was only half past eight. _Man, I probably got less than 4 hours of sleep last night._ He thought as he checked the time. He let out a long yawn and sleepy morning tears gathered in his sparkling eyes. _It was worth it, though._ Shuichi smiled longingly at the thought of last night's affairs. Was it possible that the drug had taken effect immediately? Yuki had taken Shuichi so tenderly, paying careful attention to every detail of their love making. Shuichi had never felt so pleased.

Wandering around in a dreamy state, Shuichi stumbled into the study. He sat down in Yuki's comfortable desk chair and looked at Yuki's desk. It was littered with notes, papers, and his computer. Shuichi smiled at the Print Club picture on the corner of the computer screen. He started to curiously riffle through Yuki's papers knowing he wouldn't be up for hours. He unfolded a little piece of memo paper. It was the note he had written for him yesterday. Shuichi refolded it and returned it to where it had been.

Shuichi searched further through his papers and stumbled across the paperwork for Yuki's medication. He read it. _Seems simple enough._ He thought, replacing the paper.

"What are you doing in here, brat?" Yuki's deep, sleepy voice startled Shuichi and he turned around in an instant.

"I-I...Uh..." Shuichi couldn't think of a reasonable excuse on such short notice.

"'I, uh' nothing. Get out and quit going through my shit. You really can't be left alone for a minute without snooping all over the goddamn place, can you?" Yuki rubbed his head, still very much sleepy and becoming increasingly aggravated.

"Do you have the disturbed sleep already, Yuki?" Shuichi looked at Yuki doe –eyed.

"And you've been reading the shit on my desk too. Good going, kid. No, you woke me up when you got up." Yuki yawned and turned around to go to the kitchen. Shuichi was close to follow.

"How do you feel?" Shuichi pried. Yuki didn't seem any different.

"I don't feel any different yet. Just fucking tired from you keeping me up all night." Yuki yawned again and wiped the sleep from his eyes. He opened the fridge and grabbed the bread to prepare some toast. Yuki was unused to eating breakfast; he normally just drank some coffee or beer. _No more beer breakfast…Shit sucks._

"Hey! Don't blame ME for keeping YOU up! YOU'RE the one who wanted to fuck all night!" Shuichi blushed a little at the thought of how good Yuki had been.

"Don't blame me. You're the one who wanted to play the butler/master game last night; dressing up like that. My mind said no but my dick said otherwise." Yuki took his toast to breakfast table and began to sluggishly eat.

"IS THAT ALL IT WAS FOR YOU?" Shuichi was beginning to get agitated.

Yuki shushed him. "No. If you really want me to say it then no; it wasn't just a fuck to me. Alright? What you did for me…" Yuki hesitated, "meant a lot to me. I did it because I wanted to…ok?"

Shuichi was silenced for a moment before the love inside him boiled over. "YUKIIIII!" He exclaimed, grabbing his love by the neck and pulling him close, nearly knocking him out of his chair. "You ARE changing already!"

"Let go of me!" Yuki tried to pry him off but to no avail. "Don't you have a job to be going to? Get out of here!" Shuichi released him and checked the time.

"Yeah…" He sighed. "We have an important recording today in an hour…I should start getting ready." Shuichi was down-hearted to have to leave Yuki once again. He would give up on Bad Luck and give away all the money he had ever earned, erase all the fame, for him and Yuki to be in love like this. _He IS changing. Yuki would never say anything like that before. I know he's changing._

_

* * *

_

After the brat had left, Yuki took his medication and proceeded to call Mr. Tanaka as he had been instructed.

"Hello?" Tanaka answered.

"Hey, doc. It's Yuki." Yuki said, hardly interested in the call.

"Oh, Yuki! Thanks for calling! And so early for you!" Tanaka chuckled. "You've started the medication, right?"

"Yeah. I don't feel anything yet. I think I'm thinking about it too much." Yuki admitted.

"Give it a few days. If you still feel no change by this time next week then we'll set up and appointment and I'll up your dosage. Try not to think about it. When it is time, you'll feel the difference." Tanaka reassured. "Is there anything else?"

"Yeah. I'm going on a trip out of country on the 15th. Is there anything I should worry about? What if something goes wrong while I'm out of the country?" Yuki voiced his concern. He had always felt considerably more comfortable talking to Tanaka.

"Just take your normal dose and if something happens, call me immediately or seek help in the area. But, I don't foresee anything ominous happening."

"Thanks. I'll call you next week." Yuki said and hung up. He rubbed his temples and tried to focus. _Alright, enough of this crap. I'm going to stop expecting things to happen and just live normally until it just happens on its own._ Yuki decided and sat down at his desk to work. Unlike the day before, he worked diligently and carried on with the rest of the day as he typically would. Shuichi had returned home and everything was the same as it had always been; light, playful bickering, annoying brat voice, watching bullshit Nittle Grasper on television. After dinner, Yuki took his medication again and hit the sack early. He was still very tired from the night before. Shuichi followed him and fell asleep immediately. Yuki lay in bed and thought for a couple minutes before finally conking out.

* * *

It was finally the weekend, Saturday, December 4th. Shuichi kept an obnoxiously marked calendar counting down the days until their big trip. Yuki had been taking his medication; waking up early to eat breakfast and going to sleep earlier. He felt more energized but he didn't feel any happier. _It probably takes longer for certain people._ He reassured himself.

"What do you want to do today, Yuki? We're both home; we both have nothing to do." Shuichi asked has he combed his hair in front of the mirror in the bathroom. Yuki filled a glass with water and took his pill.

"Who says I want to do anything with you, twerp?" Yuki spat back, finishing his water.

"You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you're getting meaner." Shuichi retorted.

"What the fuck would you know? I feel great. Maybe it really is you who is the problem in my life." Yuki exited the bathroom and sat at the kitchen table to read the newspaper.

"Prime example. Why do you have to say things like that, Yuki? We both know you love me and we both know that you're doing this to get better for our relationship. Are you holding back or something? I don't get it. Shouldn't you be getting nicer?" Shuichi sat across from his cross lover and searched desperately for an answer on his face, but Yuki remained cold.

"I don't recall ever saying I was doing this to better our relationship. I'm doing it for myself. And that's the end of it. You aren't even a factor." Yuki didn't even look up from the paper. He sipped his morning coffee as if he hadn't a care in the world.

Shuichi began to tremble as he held back his tears. _I'm not going to get mad…This is just Yuki being Yuki…The medication just hasn't taken effect yet. _Shuichi tried to calm himself down as he began to speak. "Well…could we do something anyways and pretend like everything's alright?" He asked, sniffing back tears.

"What could you possibly want to do? It's freezing out." Yuki said flatly, eyes still on the paper.

"Anything. Can we please just get out of the apartment?" Shuichi had a hint of desperation in his voice as warm tears began to spill over onto his crimson cheeks. Shuichi hid his face in his arms and put his head down on the table. Yuki looked up.

"Why the fuck are you crying? If you think that's going to get me to say yes, you've got another thing coming. Tears don't work on me; you should know that by now." Yuki said coldly.

Shuichi broke and let the tears fall. "Do you really want to sit here all day?" Shuichi raised his voice. "It's rare that we get a whole day to ourselves! Please! Can we just go for a walk and cool off! You're in a bad mood and we just…we just need to cool down! So, can-"

"Don't tell ME what kind of mood I'm in!" Yuki cut him off. "If going for a walk is what it takes to shut you up, fine! Get you coat on and let's go!" Yuki abruptly stood up and went to their room to fetch his coat. Shuichi followed and did the same. They left the apartment in silence and walked down the busy street.

* * *

Though it was icy outside, the streets of Tokyo were still littered with people. The couple had wandered around the city in silence; just walking. _Why is Yuki being so distant all of the sudden?_ Shuichi wondered, thinking back to the perfect night they had shared just a few nights ago. It broke Shuichi's heart to think he would have to wait any longer for his handsome lover to start treating him better. _Maybe I'm just being selfish…but I wish Yuki would start getting better soon._

The cool winter breeze brushed Shuichi's hair and kissed his cold, red nose. The sun shown brightly in the crystal clear sky but Shuichi was still chilled to the bone. He looked around desperately for somewhere to duck into.

"Look." Shuichi pointed to Yuki's favourite Italian restaurant. "It's almost one. Let's stop and get some lunch." He hoped Yuki would comply. Yuki shrugged and followed Shuichi into the restaurant.

It was a privately owned restaurant and Yuki was very close with the owner. He asked if they could get a private room for their lunch and the owner graciously complied.

"It's gotta be hard fo' you two; always havin' to hide from the girls. I wish I had dat many girls after me!" The owner laughed, imagining the heaps of girls that would be all over him if he were half as famous as either of them. Yuki chuckled inwardly at the thought of having sex with a girl again. _Forced into faggotry…_

The owner led the couple to a back room which was elegantly decorated to accommodate such valuable customers. Shuichi and Yuki sat down at the small circular table in the center of the room. The room was dim and, under different circumstances, the old-fashioned Italian setting might have been romantic. But, Shuichi couldn't help but feel tense. Yuki's words this morning had cut deeply into him.

The waiter took their orders and brought them a bottle of Sangiovese along with two crystal wine glasses. Yuki went for the bottle but Shuichi stopped him.

"You can't." He timidly muttered. "You're medication…" Shuichi awaited Yuki's violent reply but was surprised when Yuki calmly poured Shuichi a glass.

"Don't worry, I know." Yuki replied, setting Shuichi's glass down. "It's all yours. Drink your fill, but don't get too drunk. You wouldn't want me taking _too _much advantage of you." Yuki teased and smirked. Shuichi's tension was eased and he smiled back.

* * *

Though the tension had dissipated, the meal was quiet as they were left to their separate thoughts. _It's been three days already._ _Maybe the change is supposed to take even longer._ Shuichi tried to reason as he finished up his pasta and poured another glass of wine. He had already drunk 3/4s of the bottle and, being the light-weight that he was, he was feeling it. _Yuki seems fine now…It's definitely getting better…Yuki was just messing around this morning. _Shuichi gazed at Yuki. _Maybe the medication is supposed to make him better looking. He looks so damn good right now. _Shuichi thought absent mindedly, succumbing to the effects of the wine.

Yuki glanced up and met Shuichi's gaze. Immediately he felt annoyed. _Why is he so annoying? Why do I find him so annoying? I don't feel like this medication is working at all. _Yuki broke away from Shuichi's eyes. He cupped his chin in one hand and leaned on the table, staring off into a corner. He felt discouraged. _Tanaka said it could take up to a week…Even then; it still might not take effect. I wish this fucking process would hurry up a little._ Yuki was brought back to reality by Shuichi. Shu stood abruptly and quickly stumbled to the door, hand cupping his mouth. _Shit! Brat doesn't know how to hold his fucking alcohol!_ Yuki ran over to Shuichi and helped him get steady while quickly running him to the bathroom.

He dropped Shu onto the cold white tiles and watched in disgust as he threw up everything he had just eaten. The heaving seemed to take forever. Yuki sighed and gathered some paper towels. He wet them. As he did, he glanced at himself in the mirror. Disappointment flooded his heart as realized he was the same old Yuki he had always been; hate filled eyes, disgusted frown, and hard, uncaring face. He shook his head and walked over to Shuichi who was still leaning over the bowl.

"The toilet…is so cold…" Shuichi slurred as Yuki pried him from the bowl. The cold, damp paper towels felt so good to Shuichi, who was burning up from the amount of alcohol he had consumed and the effort put into emptying his stomach. Yuki wiped up Shuichi's face and tossed the towels into the toilet.

"Come on, you fool. We have to pay the bill and get out of here before start puking again." Yuki hoisted his drunken boyfriend up by the waist and helped him walk. Yuki paid the bill and they left the restaurant. As Yuki tried to summon a cab, Shuichi threw up once more on the sidewalk. "Come on! Could you cut it out? You're making a scene!" Yuki scolded. "For Christ's sake, it's only 2 in the afternoon and drunk as hell! Do want someone to notice us? Jeez!" Finally, a cab pulled over. Yuki shoved the little drunk bride in first before getting in himself. He gave the cab driver the address of the building next to his apartment, for confidentiality's sake, and they were off.

* * *

The couple had made it safely home. Shuichi was a drunken mess. Tears stained his hot cheeks as he began to argue incomprehensibly.

"What do you mean I'M an embarrassment?" Shuichi shouted. "You told me 'DRINK UP!' I was just listenin' to you. If I don't listen to you, you get aaaaall mad. Every time. You're still mad even though you're on crazy drugs. And I'm the embarrassing one?" Shuichi sarcastically laughed and continued to cry.

"You're giving me a FUCKING headache, Shuichi. Going out was _your _stupid idea. I didn't tell you to go and drink more than you could handle. Just shut up and pass out already, would ya?" Yuki tried to suppress his anger but, he couldn't help but feel like he might explode if Shuichi uttered another word. He waited for a response, but none came. To his surprise, Shuichi really did pass out. Spread eagle on the couch, Shuichi lay on his back. _Idiot. Knowing him, he'll puke in his sleep and choke to death. Lord knows I don't want to clean that fucking mess._ Yuki thought as he flipped Shuichi's tiny body on its side. _Why am I thinking like this? Shouldn't I think something sappy like 'Oh, if I leave my darling lover on his back in this condition, he might die! And I would miss him so!'? Pfft, yeah. Like that would happen._

After eating a light supper, Yuki took his pill and lay down to go to sleep. Though the apartment was chilly, he slept without blankets. That night, Yuki had a restless sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, his mind was cluttered with disturbing images. He dreamt of brutally killing and gutting Shuichi; disemboweling him by his own hands and laughing. With every nightmare, Yuki awoke with a start. He was drenched in sweat and shaking. He peeked into the dark living room and saw the outline of Shuichi's body still lying on the couch. Yuki walked over to him and laid a hand gently on his shoulder. Though it was an irrational thought to think Shuichi had died, Yuki still felt a rush of relief when he felt the light rise and fall of the small body. He lifted Shuichi and brought him to bed with him.

Yuki clutched Shuichi close to his chest, afraid that, if he let him go, he would slip away. Yuki was admittedly scared. The dreams he was having were very vivid and felt almost real. The settings and circumstances seemed all too believable. Each nightmare got worse and worse and, each time he "killed" Shuichi, he seemed happier and happier. It scared Yuki to be thinking this way. Having Shuichi near helped ease him out of the nightmares and, slowly, Yuki fell into an acceptable sleep.

**Thank you for reading! Lovelovelove!**

_To be continued..._


	4. Unspoken Daylight

Disclaimer: Gravitation is rightfully owned by master Murakami-sama.  
Author's Note: Here we are, my baby chickens! Chapter 4. I might not write as quickly as I have been with my hectic schedule but, fear not! I'm not letting this story die! I will just no have the leisure to write as I typically would.  
Thoughts on this chapter. I still feel like my writing is too literal. -sigh- But, I don't know how to fix this so, I won't! HAHA! I'm sorry if this is too long for you guys. I prefer long chapters myself so, I try to make them lengthy. Is it too drawn out? Boring even? Am I taking to long to climax? (Take that comment as you will!) I don't know. I feel like the story is slowly steering in the direction I want it to go. Anyways, I hope it's not too predictable or has grown boring or repitious. OH, THESE IRRATIONAL FEARS OF MINE! Even if it's shit writing, try to enjoy anyways! And special thanks and extra love to **melodie4894 **and **SomeRandomPenguin** for being absolute sweethearts. Honestly, I will thank you up and down for the rest of your lives! Your words mean so much!  
OK! Enough rambling and on with the story!  
PS And sorry for skimping on the day spent at N G but I am shit at describing like...singing and stuff like that so, I fast-forwarded through it! It's trivial anyways. And sorry for no Suguru! He was there but, I just didn't mention him. He annoys me!

The sun rose languidly in the east as Shuichi gazed longingly out the bedroom window. He had woken up early, still a bit hung over from yesterday, but he had gotten plenty of sleep and was ready for a busy day at the studio. The heavy tangerine sun peeked through the skyscrapers and slowly spread across the bedroom in which Yuki still slept. Shuichi had woken up clutched tightly in Yuki's tense arms. _I thought I crashed on the couch._ He thought curiously. He brushed the minor detail off and checked his phone. Only 6:30. _Let's see if Hiro is up yet. _He sat on the couch in the living room and dialed Hiro's number.

Hiro rolled over in bed and grabbed his phone off the nightstand. _Shuichi? _

"Hello?" Hiro groggily answered.

"Good morning, Hiro!" Shuichi responded with vigor. "I have a question."

"What? You realize we don't have to be in the studio until 10…" Hiro closed his eyes, still listening.

"I know but…well, let's just say I got plenty of sleep and now I'm wide awake. But, that's not it. I was wondering; what are you doing tonight?"

"Huh? I've got nothing planned. What's up?" Hiro knew this usually meant Shuichi wanted to talk. _Another problem with Yuki, I suspect._

"I'm sorry. I just…I just need someone to talk to." Shuichi paused, trying to gather his thoughts. "It's just that…something seems wrong. I don't know…"

"It's alright, buddy." Hiro could hear the strain in Shuichi's voice as he held in his tears. Being Shuichi's best friend, it was nothing unusual. Hiro could read Shu like a book; knowing all the signs to look for and exactly how to interpret each one. He could tell Shuichi needed him. "No need to get all twisted up. Let's just get through today and we can talk tonight. Have any place in mind?"

"Can we just go to your house? I don't feel like going out…"

"Sure. You got it. Now let me get a little more sleep before work." Hiro said, guilty as he tried to rush Shu off the phone.

"Alright, see you later." Shuichi hung up and clutched his knees into his chest. It was too early to start getting ready but, he didn't feel like doing anything else. Shuichi sighed. _Maybe I am the problem._ He thought hopelessly. Yuki's words rung in his head and stung his heart. _I'm the problem in his life…but then why…why would he bring me into bed? Why doesn't he kick me out? He's just the same; taking advantage of my vulnerability. I wish he would make up his mind._ Shuichi grabbed a throw pillow and smothered his face into the plush cushion to stunt the tears that were welled up in his guileless eyes. How many times had he cried over these same thoughts? Things didn't seem to be getting any better. It had been just days before that Yuki had expressed his gratitude to Shuichi in the most loving of ways. That night had been pure bliss; the lovers' emotions dancing in perfect alignment as they shared the dusk. Shuichi cried silently as he thought back to just four nights ago. He was so sure Yuki was already fixed at that time, but yesterday proved otherwise. Shuichi didn't know how to feel.

Yuki sprung into alertness as his body noticed the absence of his small lover. Heart beating hard in his chest, Yuki looked frantically across the desolate room. The room was in perfect order, as it typically was. The door was slightly ajar. Yuki checked his watch. _7? Brat doesn't have to leave for another couple of hours._

Yuki stretched his aching body. His muscles had been tense all night and he could feel the strain in his neck and shoulders. Though his nightmares were alleviated by Shuichi's presence, Yuki remained tense all night. He lifted himself out of bed and stepped into the living room. The hardwood floor was ice cold against Yuki's feet but Yuki was still flushed with heat. His eyes fell on a truly pathetic sight. Shuichi sat, knees curled into him, pillow pulled in close, still crying. He did not even notice Yuki enter the room. _Poor thing. He's probably still hung over._ Yuki thought, walking gently to Shuichi. He sat on the couch next to him and wrapped an arm around his shaking shoulders. Yuki could feel Shuichi's muscles tense as he startled from the sudden contact. Nevertheless, Shuichi didn't lift his head.

The room was dim and cold. The heat had not been on all night. Yuki could feel the chill in Shuichi's pale skin. He pulled him in closer but Shuichi continued to whimper into the clement couch pillow.

"What's wrong with you?" Yuki asked, allowing a hint of concern in his tone.

Shuichi shook his head, too afraid to say anything that might upset Yuki. Normally, Shuichi was outspoken about his feelings but the last thing Shuichi wanted was more hard hitting words from his recovering lover.

Yuki brought his lips to the nape of Shuichi's tender neck nibbled lightly on his pleasure spot. Shuichi quivered at the tantalizing touch; exactly the response Yuki had hoped for. He brought his face close to Shuichi's and whispered into his ear.

"What's the matter?" he pressed on. "You can tell me."

Shuichi looked up to meet Yuki's benign golden-brown eyes. Shuichi winced. "Why do you do this?" he asked, struggling to keep his emotions in check. _Yuki is being so sweet again. But, I can't give in this easily._ Yuki looked at him questioningly, his eyes begging for an explanation. "Well…What I mean is…How can you be so mean one day and then…" Shuichi sniffed back his tears. "And then be so sweet as if…as if you never hurt me?"

Yuki backed up, putting some distance between them on the bitter couch. This further broke Shuichi's heart. "I can't say I really know what you mean. I did exactly what you wanted yesterday and I try to comfort you will you sitting out here, blubbering and hung over, and this is what you give me?" Yuki lit a cigarette and took a drag, holding it for what felt like an eternity to Shuichi. "Well," Yuki finally said after exhaling, "quite frankly, I don't see what the problem is. And I don't see anything that could have possibly hurt you yesterday."

Shuichi held his breath as plump tears dropped from his flushed face. "How…how could you say there is no way you hurt me?" Shuichi said in disbelief. He tried hard to keep his composure and not anger Yuki but, it was inevitable.

"It's a surprise to me that complying to your absurd wishes and taking care of you as your puke your brains out is pure anguish to you. I'll keep that in mind for next time and I won't bother. Happy?" Yuki took another drag, trying to keep his fortitude in line and not let his enmity take hold.

Shuichi gave up and checked for the time. He had an hour to get ready before heading off to N G. "Never mind." He said in defeat. "I have to get ready for work. Don't wait up for me; I won't be home until late." Shuichi got up and started for the bathroom but Yuki caught his wrist, pulling him hard. Shuichi lost balance and landed forcibly on Yuki's lap. Yuki's eyes pierced Shuichi's fragile heart. Yuki kissed Shuichi deeply, emotionlessly. Shuichi didn't feel the magic he had always felt when Yuki randomly displayed his affection in this manner. He tensed up as he tried to ease his lover off. Yuki let him up, glaring at him as he walked away; out of his embrace and out of his sight. Shuichi proceeded to get ready even more depressed than he had been when he'd woken up, unsure of what was worse; Yuki's harsh words or his fraudulent affection.

The day had finally been born; sunlight dispelled into the algid apartment. Yuki sat in thought, finally feeling the chill in the room and his disposition. He listened as the shower water caressed his young lover's silken body, falling graciously to the tub below after licking every inch of his delectable bodice. What Yuki wouldn't give to be as lucid and forgiving as that water. He shook his head, disappointed in himself. _What am I doing?_ The hopeless question lingered with him for the rest of the laborious day.

* * *

"Good MORNING~!" Shuichi chimed as he flew through the studio doors. He had decided that he would do his best despite how he felt. _I can't keep bringing everyone down just because Yuki is being a jerk…_

"Well, you sure seem lively." Hiro said, perplexed. He had expected a sulking Shuichi. But, thinking back to this morning's phone call, Hiro knew better. _He's trying to hide it. I just hope no one brings up Yuki's name._ In the instant Hiro had thought that, Sakano opened his big mouth and asked, "So, things with Yuki-san are getting better already?"

"Well…n-no. Not really." The room fell silent as an awkward feeling swept everyone in the room. "But, you don't have to worry!" Shuichi saw the worried look on Sakano's face. Sakano could remember the many wasted days due to Shuichi's poor emotional state and expected the worst. "Listen!" Shuichi said sternly, furrowing his brow. "I'm not here to talk about what's going on at home. Yuki doesn't matter right now. I'm here to work and I'm not going to let Yuki get in the way of that. So, let's drop it and get working!"

Hiro smiled at Shuichi's show of determination although he still knew Shuichi was torn inside. No one pressed the subject any further and the day, though long, was very productive. They recorded more final product material than they had expected. Shuichi stepped out of the recording room and was greeted with a warm applause.

"Alright, Shuichi-san. I think we're done for tonight!" Sakano was teaming with enthusiasm. "I was worried that you wouldn't be very motivated today but here you've gone and almost completed the entire record! Good work today, everyone!"

Hiro clapped a hand on Shuichi's shoulder. "You did a great job today, Shu. I'm impressed." He smiled sincerely at Shuichi. "You ready to get out of here? It's past ten."

* * *

Yuki sat in the darkened apartment eating a simple dinner consisting of left over stir-fry and rice. The light had been bothering Yuki all day, giving him severe headaches. He found it difficult to work on his book due to the brightness of the monitor and so he led a fairly uneventful day. It drove him a little mad. _What am I doing? This is ridiculous._ His day had been spent wallowing in despair. His soul fought a bitter battle as it strained to find equilibrium. His spirit was confused. Like benevolent sunshine on budding sapling, Yuki needed Shuichi in his life. So why was he pushing the daylight out and reverting into the darkness of his dismal, vexed persona?

Flipping on the kitchen light and bearing the headache, Yuki stepped into the cold, white bathroom. He popped a couple aspirin in addition to his medication sat on the couch.

It was a little past ten. _Brat can't possibly be working still…_Yuki wished Shuichi would come home break this empty feeling. It was slowly consuming him and the loneliness increased exponentially as he thought back to his dreams.

Yuki stood in the middle of barren dirt path. Shuichi lay bleeding on dry earth, staring with tear filled eyes at his maniacal lover. The heat surrounding them was unbearable. Yuki's hand came quickly toward Shuichi, grabbing his clothes and tearing them off in one fell swoop. The bullet hole in Shuichi's chest widened and the skin around it simultaneously decayed. Now Yuki stood directly above him; Shuichi's blood staining his perfectly white tuxedo. Yuki smirked, enjoying the bold look of his victim's bright red blood in contrast with the white satin. Keeping his smile and berserk gaze, he knelt down and hooked his finger into the gaping wound. His fingers becoming sharp as blades, he slowly unzipped Shuichi's soft, anemic skin revealing his still functioning innards.

Shuichi's cries of pain pierced Yuki's ears. The sound was pure bliss to his assailant, causing Yuki to laugh uncontrollably. More; he wanted more. He wanted to hear Shuichi cry as death took him, or rather, as Yuki took his life. The anguish which Shuichi was feeling was visible in his rapidly functioning organs. Yuki's face became dark as his head shielded the sun behind him. Only the sparkle of his crazed eyes and white gleam of his horrible grin were visible. Yuki grabbed hold of Shuichi's entrails and slowly wound them around his hand, feeling as they pulsed and squirmed in his palm. The stink of blood enticed him as he leered at Shuichi's hastily beating heart. Yuki couldn't resist the urge to dissect it. Shuichi shrieked once more as Yuki's sharp fingers tore through the delicate tissue that was his heart. Yuki exposed Shuichi's still functioning valves and allowed his dying victim's warm blood to cloak his mirthful face.

Yuki sat up immediately. His labored breath was visible in the cold air as he frantically inspected his surroundings. _I must have fallen asleep._ He thought, trying to return his composure. He checked his watch. Midnight. He searched the entire apartment but the brat still wasn't home. _What the fuck?_ Yuki thought as he began to shake with fear. The loneliness was crushing him and he was scared. He wanted Shuichi to be there. Just to be there and keep his mind in check. _Maybe he's not coming home._

_

* * *

_After a surprise visit from Ayaka, Hiro and Shuichi were finally alone. Ayaka had insisted on going out for dinner and, though Shuichi wasn't in the mood, he complied. The dinner took longer than expected and, after two hours, Hiro politely informed Ayaka that Shuichi and he needed to be alone. Ayaka understood and kissed Hiro goodbye. "Call me later!" She winked and took off.

"I'm sorry, Shu. I didn't know she would stop over." Hiro said, looking at Shuichi with apologetic eyes.

Shuichi met his concerned look. "Hey, don't worry! It was a nice surprise to see Ayaka again!" He put on his best fake smile.

"You still want to talk, right?" They hopped on Hiro's motorcycle.

"If it's not too late for you…" Though Shuichi desperately wanted to talk, he didn't want to be a burden to his best friend.

"Haha! It's never too late for my best friend!" Hiro said enthusiastically and the two of them were off. Shuichi held on tightly to Hiro's waist. Head resting on Hiro's strong back, Shuichi felt thankful to have such a caring friend. He smiled to himself thinking how lucky he was to have Hiro and wished he could be as strong as him one day.

They arrived at Hiro's apartment and were greeted with an unsuspected visitor. The shadowy figure stepped into the streetlight and revealed himself. _What is he doing here?_ Shuichi thought as he cowered behind Hiro a bit.

It was Yuki. Shuichi thought from the moment he saw him that he was here for a fight. He looked like a mad dog standing in the light and staring at the consorts. When Yuki suddenly slumped to the ground, Shuichi ran to him in shock. "What's the matter?" Shuichi asked frantically. Tears hit the pavement like heavy afternoon rain; Yuki could hardly speak. His throat was so tight; he couldn't get a word out. _I knew he would be here…_he thought, resting his throbbing head on his knee.

"Yuki?" Shuichi shook him a bit, trying to get a response. Yuki's mind was racing. He didn't know whether he should embrace Shuichi or scold him or attack Hiro or just continue to cry. He stood up abruptly, pushing Shuichi aside. Shuichi looked on at the unfamiliar stance of his lover. Yuki stood heavily, lacking the poise and grace in which he always presented to create a superior air. The cold winter breeze cut through Shuichi's winter coat. He winced as he felt the dead cold surround him.

Yuki stepped out of the streetlight, wiping his face with his sleeve and coming toward Hiro. The frigid night chilled the fallen tears on Yuki's light button up shirt. The cold dampness bit at Yuki's tight skin. Outwardly, Yuki's skin was ice cold and bore goose-flesh but, inside, Yuki was a heated cauldron of fiery emotion and chemical misbalance. Sweat collected on his forehead, further chilling his numb body.

Hiro could see the hate blazing in Yuki's eyes. This had become a familiar sight. Yuki threw a fist but Hiro caught it an inch from his face. He could feel the weakness in Yuki's swing.

"If you're going to act like a child then you can leave." Hiro said calmly. "If you want to talk, Shu and I are going in. You're welcome to join us but on one condition." Yuki stared angrily at Hiro, waiting for his condition. "If you make him cry tonight, I'll fucking kill you." Hiro's voice was stern and his face like cold river stone, unchanging and hard. Yuki put his fist down and followed the brat and the asshole inside.

It was well past one in the morning now and the three of them all looked a little sleepy-eyed. They sat in a circle on the comfortable tatami in Hiro's living room. Hiro served hot green tea to warm them up and get everyone comfortable. "Alright, Shu. What did you want to talk about?" Hiro ignored Yuki's presence altogether. In the light, it was clear how much sleep Yuki had lost. His face was gaunt, his eyes slightly sunken in. His body slumped forward and he yawned continuously. His appearance was that of a tired old man and yet his features still remained handsome. Too tired to even care that he was being ignored, Yuki sipped lightly on the sultry, inviting tea. The warm liquid passed slowly through his rigid body, loosening up his muscles and easing his mind.

"Well…um…" Shuichi hesitated. It was obvious that he had wanted to talk about the problems he had been having with Yuki but, now that Yuki was here, he wasn't sure he could do it.

"Don't hold back." Hiro said, looking Shuichi in the eye. "Whatever you have to say, he has to hear. So, just say it."

Shuichi shifted uncomfortably. If he cried, Yuki would feel the consequences. He ran his fingers through his messy pink hair. _I won't cry. I won't cry. I won't cry._ He thought as he began speaking.

"Well, Yuki is on this new medication, you know? To help his…attitude." Shuichi chose his words carefully, watching Yuki from the corner of his eye. "He's supposed to be getting nicer and treating me better but…I'm just afraid that it's not working. I was just really depressed this morning because…because yesterday he said that I _was_ the problem in his life and…I just couldn't stop thinking about…well, what if I really am." Yuki perked up as he heard Shuichi's apprehensive voice. _What? I never said that._ Yuki strained to remember the day before.

"Yuki?" Hiro said, leading the conversation like a principle getting school children to apologize. "What do you have to say about this?"

"He's making it up." He responded monotonously.

"How could you say that?" Shuichi demanded. "You said it! Just yesterday! You said I wasn't even a factor in your recovery! How could you say such things and forget as if…as if I don't matter to you?" He struggled to keep himself from crying, looking up at the ceiling to force the tears back.

Yuki shook his head and shrugged. "I don't remember saying it." He got up. "If this is what this is about, then I'm going home. I just wanted to know where you were. Now that I've found you, I'm going home." _He's alive…that's all I need to know._ Shuichi caught his sleeve. Still on the ground, Shuichi lowered his face.

"Do you even love me anymore?" Doubt consumed his heart. "It's like you're another person…you're so cold…At least…At least I could tell the old Yuki loved me even if he didn't say so." Shuichi tensed up, grabbing his face to stunt the tears. Yuki snapped into reality and, for the first time in days, he recognized Shuichi as his lover and not just an annoyance.

Yuki knelt down in front of Shuichi and took his chin gently between his thumb and forefinger, forcing Shuichi to look into his rich golden eyes. Shuichi held his breath, trying hard to protect his lover by holding back _the_ urge to bawl.

"It's a hard time for the both of us, huh?" A warm smile spread across Yuki's face. Shuichi looked so pathetic like this but, Yuki found it irresistible. He gave Shuichi a short, sweet kiss on his quivering lips. "You think you're confused? I don't know what's happening either." Yuki tried his best to explain without getting too emotional. It was still too difficult to bare his soul as Shuichi so easily did. "Things are going to get better. I promise. It's hard now but, in a short while, we'll both be looking back and laughing at little things like this." Shuichi contorted his face, failing to suppress the tears that had already begun to fall.

"Yuki…I'm sorry." Shuichi uttered as he clung desperately to Yuki's waist. "I…I didn't realize how hard this change must be for you…I'm sorry." Yuki wrapped his arms around Shuichi, pressing his head into his chest and stroking his soft hair. He could feel his body tremble in his arm as he continued to bawl into Yuki's chest.

"Don't apologize." Yuki whispered. "We're even. Just come home with me and don't worry me like that again." Shuichi looked up from Yuki's chest and was about to question but Yuki silenced him with a tender kiss. He had exposed enough emotion for one night.

Hiro watched the soap opera play in front of his eyes dreamily. He yawned and looked at his watch. _Time to start ushering these kiddies out. _He stood, gathering up the dishes and placing them in the sink. Yuki took the hint and stood as well with Shuichi soon to follow. Hiro saw them to the door. Shuichi thanked him up and down for tolerating his visit and apologized countless times for keeping him up. Hiro laughed. _Typical Shuichi._

"Don't worry, Shuuu!" Hiro whined as he embraced his dear friend. "It's what I'm here for! Now you guys go home and get some rest. It's late and you both look dead tired."

Hiro waved them goodbye and shut the door. _What a night._ He thought, sighing deeply. _I hope things work out for them…_He thought back to how different Yuki seemed. He seemed broken and weak; not the typical strong-willed, cold bastard he normally was. Hiro put the thought aside and went to bed. _They'll be fine…like he said; it's just hard right now…_

**THANK YOU FOR READING! LOVE KITTENS FOR ALL!**

_To be continued..._


	5. Fleeting Snow

Disclaimer: As always, Maki Murakami owns the fabulous rights to Gravitation.  
Author's Note: Welcome back! Sorry it took me so long to get this up but, like I said, school's a bitch! I feel like this chapter is a little scattered-brained. I wrote bits and pieces throughout the week so, if it's a little strange/disappointing/bad, I'm sorry! I tried! Anyways, we'll be getting to the meat and potatoes soon. I promise! Sorry for being so repetitive with the story. I'm so bad at this! Augh!  
Anyways, people people people from all over the world reading this story and all of you who have watched, favourited, reviewed or read this story, thank you so much! HAHA! You guys are really great! I hope you can bare with me until the end! I'll try my best to keep it interesting!

The mirthless winter sky hung carelessly overhead, clouds threatening to coat the city in a pure white blanket. The smell of snow was ever present and the extra nip in the air advocated the possibility of crystalline snowfall in the bustling city. As rare as a Tokyo painted in white, Yuki's spirit had awoken in an amorous grandeur. He and Shuichi had returned home late the night before, both frigidly cold and overly tired. Few words were spoken between them on the remiss walk home. Even so, the couple wandered home hand-in-hand, openly expressing their rekindled love to the empty streets of Tokyo.

Yuki mused, the night before seeming so dreamlike. He wondered hopelessly if the events really played out as they had, Shuichi's words infringing on his otherwise peaceful mind. _Is it true? Have I become a different person? So distant that Shuichi doubts my feelings for him?_ Remembering the night brought forth more and more questions into Yuki's malleable mind. _My words haven't affected Shuichi this much in such a long time. Not to mention I don't remember saying half the shit he's claiming I said. I hardly even remember last night until he broke down like that._ Yuki sighed deeply, running his nimble fingers through his lustrous hair. Shuichi's pathetic state and pleading inquiry struck a cord deep within Yuki's being. There was no doubt in Yuki's mind that he loved Shuichi; he just couldn't express it. His past weighed too heavily on his broken soul; he had forgotten how to properly love. More importantly, he was still afraid. And, with Shuichi's recent accusations and the instability of his own mental state, he was growing even more frightened.

Yuki reached for his phone, anticipating the snow as he continued to gaze out the bay window fixed in the living room. He dialed Mr. Tanaka's number and listened for his boisterous voice to answer.

"Hello. You've reached the voice mailbox of 'Tanaka Koichi'. Please leave a message after the tone." Yuki rolled his eyes.

"Hey, Tanaka. It's Eiri. You told me to call sometime this week to talk about my progress. I have some problems. Call me back when you can. Thanks." He hung up. Yuki slumped in his seat, feeling a wave of illness crash over him. _When is this going to stop?_ He wondered fruitlessly.

The day was still young and Shuichi continued to sleep soundly in bed. Yuki had been awake for at least and hour, fixing himself something to eat and taking his medication. Surprisingly, Yuki went nightmare free and had gotten a refreshing rest but his body still begged for more. He knelt on the bed next to Shuichi, examining his sleeping body. Shuichi looked so careless splayed out on the bed as he was; his face so peaceful. Yuki's well-versed mind wandered, bringing forth a passage written by Lord Byron;

_For there it lies so tranquil, so beloved,_

_All that it hath life with us is living;_

_So gentle, stirless, helpless, and unmoved,_

_And all unconscious of the joy 'tis giving;_

_All it hath felt, inflicted, pass'd, and proved,_

_Hush'd into depths beyond the watcher's diving;_

_There lies the thing we love with all its errors_

_And all its charms, like death without its terrors.*_

These words have never rung more true than at this very moment as Yuki continued to watch Shuichi quietly sleep. Everything that he loved, everything that annoyed him, everything in his world and everything he lived for lay sleeping, so vulnerable, in front of his very eyes. Yuki felt a wave of exhaustion and, careful not to wake his perfectly dreaming lover, he slipped next to Shuichi. He wrapped his arm around him and gripped his lover loosely, casually embracing him under their sheet of white. Yuki admired Shuichi's peaceful face a minute more before sleep took him completely. A light snowfall embellished the city, chilling the earth and collecting on the streets and in the parks as Yuki slept, his dearly beloved wrapped in his arms, Shuichi's softened breaths enchanting his senses.

* * *

"Sure. See you in a couple of days." Yuki said cumbersomely. The phone call had woken him from his flawless alabaster sleep. It was Tanaka, apologizing up and down for missing Yuki's call a few hours earlier. The conversation was shallow; Yuki keeping hidden many of his concerns in an attempt to preserve the affectionate mood he was in. Nevertheless, they had arranged to meet on Wednesday; in two days.

"I think we will have to up your dosage…" Tanaka had said, going off the limited information Yuki was providing. "It doesn't sound like any noticeable effects are taking place. But, just come see me Wednesday and we'll talk further."

Immediately after hanging up with Tanaka, his phone rang again. _Jesus, who is it now?_ He looked down. It was Hiro. _What does this bastard want?_

"Hello?" Yuki answered dully.

"Hey, sorry to call you but, is Shuichi around?" It was clear by Hiro's tone that he did not call Yuki for pleasure.

"He's sleeping." Yuki gave another flat response.

"Really? No wonder his phone is off. Well, we were supposed to meet at the studio today to work more on the record. When he didn't show up on time, I got worried…" _Worried that you might have pummeled him to death, you heartless bastard._ Hiro thought, cautious to keep a friendly tone. There was silence on Yuki's end so, Hiro continued. "If you could wake him up and tell him to come in, that would be great."

"Yeah, sure." Yuki said and hung up before Hiro could thank him. _I'll wake him up alright. _He grinned, striding quietly into their room. Shuichi lay on his back, his lips slightly parted. Yuki knelt above him, slowly lowering himself towards Shuichi's pure, restful face. Their lips connected, Shuichi's strawberry velvet lips enticing Yuki for more of his sweet kiss. Shuichi's eyes fluttered awake and locked with Yuki's. Yuki could feel Shuichi's plush lips curl into a smile as Shuichi began to kiss sweetly back. Yuki lifted his head, keeping the sweet sugar of Shuichi's kiss on his lips.

"Time to get up." The soft whisper danced through Shuichi's ears. He smirked. Grabbing Yuki by the collar, he brought his lover into a deep kiss, his newly awoken senses exploding with alluring sensitivity. Yuki's lips felt as soft as the freshly fallen snow outside their window, his touch as warm as hot tea running through his body and thawing his chilled anatomy. The smell of fresh dawn permeated through the air; the room feeling like an open, abandoned field where only the lovers knew. Every breath was a fresh breeze through the dewy grass of their paradise. Shuichi drew Yuki closer, looking intensely into his eyes, taking in every detail of Yuki's unscathed milky complexion, his honey drop eyes and wispy golden-wheat hair. The room was void of sound; even the traffic from outside seemed silent. Only the sound of the celestial zephyr freed from their passionate lips.

Shuichi wanted more. He wanted to once more feel his lover inside him. Yuki remained hovering over Shuichi allowing Shu to slip his brisk, caressing hands under his dangling shirt, pushing it over his head and forcing it off. Shuichi's curious fingers traveled Yuki's tempting body, stopping only to help slip off his pajama pants. The touch sent a sensual tingle throughout Yuki's body. He was no longer able to hold back his passion as he fleetingly undressed his tiny lover.

"I'll _get up_." Shuichi teased as Yuki shoved him back onto the bed. "But only if you make me." It didn't take much effort to fulfill Shuichi's wish; Yuki's sumptuous caress arousing him immediately. Yuki, deciding to please his beloved, left a heated trail of tender kisses all the way down Shuichi's delicious body, ending at his throbbing erection. Yuki close his salivating mouth around it and began to suck; at first very slowly and sensuously, paying close attention to his technique and the position of his tongue. The sucking became increasingly rougher as he carefully manipulated his young lover, bringing him close to climax and slowing it down again once more.

Shuichi didn't mind the teasing, the warmth of his lover moist mouth and skilled tongue felt like nothing less of absolute arcadia. Shuichi panted as his lover brought him to the edge of climax several times, giving him a taste of ecstasy. His heart raced with anticipation, his face beaming like the early morning sun, his breaths the cries of pleasure. He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched the bed sheets as Yuki allowed him to climax. Shuichi moaned, crying his lover's name and cumming into his welcoming mouth.

Yuki swallowed, positioning himself to penetrate but was cut short by the house phone ringing. The constant ringing startled them both out of their nearly touched heaven. They attempted to ignore it and finish what they started, but the phone continued. Yuki groaned, getting out of bed and picking up the phone.

"What?" Yuki scoffed.

"Hey, did you wake Shu yet? We have a lot of work to get done today. He should have been here by now!" Hiro scolded from the other line.

"He's coming, calm the fuck down." Yuki said and abruptly ended the phone call. He returned to the room where Shuichi was propped up on his elbows.

"That was your lame-ass friend saying you need to go to work, pronto." Yuki gathered his clothes and redressed himself, disappointed that he couldn't perfect the marvelous work he had already began.

Shuichi gave a disappointed look. He sighed and looked at the time. He was several hours late. He swung himself out of bed and dressed himself quickly, not bothering to shower, keeping the traces of Yuki's love behind. "I guess I should go then." Shuichi sighed, fixing his bed-head. Without a word, he gave Yuki a long, emotional embrace, tears welling up in his lusting eyes. "I wish I didn't have to leave." He whimpered, as if it were the last time he would see his love. He stood on his tip-toes and brushed his lips ever so slightly on Yuki's sensitive ear. Yuki blushed immediately, but had no time to retaliate. Shuichi was already out the door and on his way to N G.

* * *

Two days dragged on; Shuichi busy with finishing Bad Luck's new record and Yuki sulking home alone, working on his book in vain. The limited time they spent together consisted of mostly silence, either in sleep or just relaxing. Shuichi would come home tired, unenthusiastic, and over-worked. He seemed hardly interested to do anything but sit around by the time he would get home. Yuki felt somewhat depressed, being deprived of his lover all day and no excitement in the night, though he would admit it was a nice break from the norm; he missed his typical annoying Shu. _I can't complain._ Yuki would think as he trudged through the two days. _At least we're at peace like a normal couple. _But Yuki still didn't feel any closer to Shuichi.

When Wednesday came, Yuki was surprisingly excited to go see Tanaka and get his problems resolved. _I'm sure it's just the dosage. This kind of thing is common. It'll be fine._ He reassured himself as he closed and locked the door behind him. Shuichi was hard at work at N G Studios as he had been all week. Yuki hated when Shuichi would get so busy. Yuki would never tell Shuichi this but, he had always really missed Shuichi when he worked so many hours or, even worse, when he was touring and they were torn apart for days. Now that Yuki was in such a vulnerable state, his need for Shuichi's presence was rising. When he wasn't around, Yuki was scared. His mind would wander into forbidden depths and he would dream and imagine of unspeakable things; all involving Shuichi being dismembered, killed, raped, and tortured by his own hand. Sometimes it got to the point where Yuki could not differentiate between illusion and reality; it terrorized him.

Yuki strode into Tanaka's office. The waiting room was surprisingly empty and Yuki was able to reveal himself in front of the swooning secretaries. He shot a smile in their direction, amused by their admiring eyes.

"Haha! Stop teasing my girls!" Tanaka laughed, watching Yuki put on a subtle show. He beckoned Yuki into the room and shut the door behind them. As usual, Yuki flopped down onto the vinyl couch, letting Wanwan set up shop on his lap and stroking him kindly. Tanaka grabbed his papers and notepad and sat down in front of Yuki. He gave Yuki the once over as he caught a glimpse of him daydreaming out the window. The snow that had fallen two days ago still had not fully melted, truly a rare happening in Tokyo. Yuki didn't know whether it was a blessing or a curse.

"So…" Tanaka said, bringing Yuki to attention. "Tell me what has been happening since we last met a week ago. Has anything noticeable been happening?"

"Well…" Yuki was a little reluctant to speak, scared of what he might say or that something was even more wrong with him than when he had begun. He looked up at Tanaka's welcoming eyes and continued, feeling vulnerable. "I've noticed some of the side effects that have already been noted in the paperwork. I've been really hot most of the time. Even in the night when it's so cold, I'm sweating. And," Yuki paused, looking down at Wanwan innocently curled in his lap. "I've been having some bizarre dreams. Even when I'm awake, my mind wanders. I'm…" Another pause, "I'm kind of scared…of myself."

"Disturbed sleep is noted in the known side effects. What kind of nightmares have you been having?" Tanaka inquired. He jotted down notes quickly as Yuki spoke.

"They're all pretty…grotesque. I…I can't remember them in detail…" Yuki lied, trying to forget the nightmares. He could remember every bloody detail of the fucked up dreams he had been having but, he was too timid to voice them. He changed the subject. "I have been having trouble remember some things I say too. Shuichi has been really down lately and he keeps saying that I'm saying all this stuff like I'm not doing this for him. He said that I told him he's the problem in my life. Brat threw a tantrum and cried and said 'do you even love me?'" Yuki said, mocking Shuichi. "But, I don't remember saying that. My short term memory seems all messed up."

"Hmmm, this isn't the first case in which this has happened. Researchers are looking into it but, in other cases, this side effect cleared up within a month maximum. They must not have included it in the paperwork yet. Has anything good happened between Shuichi and yourself?"

"He's been pretty busy working with the band and everything. But, we've had some…memorable moments in the past week. I'd say some of it was very good." Yuki blushed as he thought back to the intimate times. "But, I have spent a lot of time at home alone so, it's hard to say. I'll give it to you straight; I don't feel any different. I still find him to be an annoying brat and I still can't emote. When I look at myself, all I see is the same old person."

"You guys are civil though, yes? Not too many tears on Shuichi's part?"

Yuki rubbed the back of his neck, trying to decide whether or not he had seen any kind of notable progress. "Well, I wouldn't say that. Like I said, things seem mostly the same."

"You guys go on vacation next week, right?" Tanaka inquired. Yuki nodded. "Okay, we'll up your dosage and I'll write you a new prescription. Please finish up what you already have. Instead of two a day, take four; two in the morning and two at night. You'll run out before you return to the country so, the new prescription will cover that time. I'll be out of the country as well; I'm leaving at the end of the week. You have my cell phone number, though. So, if you need to get a hold of me, you can still reach me." He filled out Yuki's new prescription and handed it to him. "Any other questions?"

Yuki shook his head, lifting Wanwan up and placing him on the couch. "Thanks, doc." He said, and left the room. Once again, Yuki strolled down the street to the pharmacy, perfectly concealed and deep in thought. Pensive as he was, he felt a new wave of hope come upon him. He was confident this change would work. This time, he was really going to break down the barrier between himself and his true feelings and finally bare his soul to his dearly beloved.

* * *

"Yuki! Are you home?" Shuichi called out from the front door. It was only mid-afternoon. _Yuki should definitely be home by now. He'll be so excited to see I'm home early!_ Shuichi thought hopefully as he set his things down on the kitchen table. Yuki emerged from his study, dressed casually with a cigarette hanging from his mouth. He had spent another mundane afternoon alone trying to write his latest novel and stay within the deadline but, failing to keep up, per usual.

"You're home early." Yuki said, stating the obvious as he wiped yawning tears out of his eyes.

"We finished the record today! So, we got to come home early!" Shuichi smiled until he remembered the downfall. "Oh…but, for the next couple of days we have to tour in Osaka so…I'll be gone for a couple of days."

Dread engulfed Yuki's mind. He thought of how hard it was to go through a normal day without Shuichi in the house; he couldn't imagine more than that. To be alone meant to let his mind wander to places he never wanted to see. _The medication will start working while he's gone and all these fucked up thoughts will vanish…it'll be fine. I don't need the brat around. I'm a fucking full grown man, for Christ's sake. I can handle it._ His thoughts of reassurance couldn't wipe the distressed look on his face. He put on an arrogant front despite this and scoffed. "Thank god for that! Finally I'll have a few solid days to work without worrying when your sorry ass is going to come home and bother me."

_He doesn't mean it…_Shuichi tried to reason, changing the subject. "How was your appointment today?" Shuichi stepped into the hallway and went for the thermostat but Yuki caught his hand.

"Are you fucking kidding? It's blazing in here. Plus, who do you think pays the electric bill around here?" Shuichi gave him a puzzling look. It had been so cold in the apartment for the past week that Shuichi had to wear triple layers at night to keep warm. It was baffling to him that Yuki wore such a sparing amount of clothes all the time even with the declining temperature outside. Shuichi ignored Yuki's bitterness once more and went into the living room to sit down. "And my appointment is none of your business." Yuki continued to speak, prying at Shuichi's fragile tolerance. "I know what you're thinking. You think that trying to be an active in my life and recovery is going to make me better faster. Well, it's not helping. So do me a favour and stop asking me."

Shuichi looked up at him, Yuki still standing in the room, eyeing Shuichi back. Shuichi's blood began to boil as his tolerance for Yuki's attitude finally broke. _What is with him? No matter what I say, I always lose._ He thought, the anger giving him the confidence to voice his dismay. "If I'm such a burden to you, why are you still in the room? You think I'm the annoying one? Ha! If we could trade places, you'd see what a brat YOU really are." Shuichi retorted. _So much for a nice afternoon with Yuki._ The disappointment was overwhelming but Shuichi held his tears down.

Yuki trudged over to Shuichi and before he could blink, slapped him hard across the face, leaving his right cheek tender and red. "Is that how you talk to someone who has an unstable mind?" His voice was cold and piercing, his hands grabbing Shuichi's thin wrists and forcing him hard against the couch. "You think you're so special, brat? You think you can talk back to me?" The heat rose in Shuichi's cheeks. Yuki's grip around his wrists tightened as he forced himself upon Shuichi. His lips caught Shuichi's in a violent kiss and he bit down hard on the brat's lower lips, drawing hot red blood.

Subconsciously, Shuichi began to cry, tears and blood streaking his face as he struggled to get out of Yuki's strong hold. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Shuichi screamed and kicked his blinded lover off. "What the fuck is wrong with you? I asked you because I care about you, Yuki! But, you make it hard for me to care when you act like this!" Shuichi stood abruptly, pushing Yuki aside. He stormed into their bedroom, dragging his suitcase out of the closet and frantically throwing his clothes into it. Yuki appeared in the doorway.

"Where do you think you're going?" Yuki's voice was flat; his mouth still tinged with the taste of Shuichi's boiling blood.

"The band is leaving early tomorrow morning for Osaka anyways." Shuichi kept his back toward the doorway, his body still trembling, and tears in his eyes. "I'm going to spend the night at Hiro's. You…you need some time to yourself. I hope by the time I come back from the tour, you feel at least a little better. Our trip is in a week…" _I'm the problem in his life…_Shuichi's mind flashed back to that bitter thought. He finished packing, grabbed his coat, and turned to Yuki, still standing in the doorway. Cool air surrounded them but their heat still resonated as they shared a tempestuous moment. Shuichi's wet eyes seared into Yuki's; Yuki's eyes unwavering. The stare seemed to last a lifetime, the both of them unwilling to back down from each other's gaze. A plethora of emotion simmered in Shuichi's heart. He tried hard to look stern, desperate to not seem like the weakling Yuki had always depicted him as. If there was any way to get through to Yuki, Shuichi knew he had to be astringent and mean it. Yuki's mind was blank and lost. It was if he were just a statue; emotionless and without a mind. No thoughts were generated in his head. All he knew was that he was pissed and he couldn't wait for the brat to leave. He stepped aside, allowing Shuichi to pass.

"See you next Monday." Shuichi said, opening the front door, his voice still trembling. "Please…get better." His pleading eyes gave Yuki one last once over before he departed. The last image of Yuki was cold; he stood in the hallway, back against the wall, arms folded. His face was made of stone. Nothing Shuichi could have said would change the emotionless expression. Shuichi stooped against the front door, sliding down to the floor and bringing his knees into his body. The hallway of the apartment complex was as unforgiving as the apartment he had just left, cold, unwelcoming, and lonely. He bawled silently, tears scattered across the screen of his phone as he texted Hiro.

_im so srry can i sleep ovr?_ He sloppily typed, knowing his presence would be a burden on Hiro and Ayaka tonight. He stayed huddled in the complex hallway as he waited for Hiro's response, the lonely and unwanted feelings humming in the background of his broken soul. Clouds overtook the sky, casting a shadow over the sun's magnificent light and increasing the bitterness of the bleak outdoors. The snow had all been melted, the busy Tokyo streets streaked with its glossy, wet remains. The magic had ended and reality continued. Shuichi's phone buzzed in his hand.

_I'm coming to get you. Be there in a minute._

_

* * *

_

* This passage is from Lord Byron's _Don Juan_. Although on the whole it is a satirical epic poem, I couldn't help but think of this description of a lover watching their beloved sleep when I was trying to describe how Yuki felt (and I definitely couldn't put it in such elegant of words!). So, considering Yuki is a novelist and probably is pretty well-read, I squeezed the passage in there. I hope it doesn't divert from the story and/or general mood!

**As always, thanks for reading and much love to you all!**

_To be continued..._


	6. Worlds Apart

Disclaimer: Gravitation=Maki Murakami's property.  
Author's Note: I'm sorry this chapter is such a shit chapter. I PROMISE! I will stop dragging it out so much (or will I? No promises!). I have to admit, I kind of rushed this chapter. I was a little eager to get it up and move on. I didn't want to drag it out all week like I did with the previous chapter. So, I really have no confidence in this chapter... I hope I haven't lost any of you!  
Thank you, as always, to all the wonderful folks following and reading this story and those of you who leave truly lovely and fantastic reviews. I will never forget your kindness!  
Anyways, please don't be too disappointed by this chapter. I need to fill in the gap of time before they go to Vermont but I really didn't want them to be interacting too much before they got there so, I had to seperate them. And, I figured I would throw in Tohma even though I don't like him so much. Someone needs to keep Yuki in line. So, anyways. Without furtehr ado, Chapter 6! (Don't slaughter me!)

Shuichi stood outside of the apartment complex, waiting for Hiro to arrive. It had gotten bitterly cold out and even with his thick winter coat on, Shuichi still felt the frigidness of the surrounding air. He took himself up in his arms, trying to warm himself. The wind froze his newly fallen tears as he continued to cry silently. He didn't want to think anymore but he couldn't stop his mind from racing. _Yuki's never done anything so crazy before…It's not really him right now…He needs to be left alone right now…_Shuichi still couldn't believe that Yuki hit him, especially with such force. He lightly fingered his swollen cheek as he remembered the severity of the blow and the crazed look in Yuki's eyes.

Hiro rode up on his motorcycle, heavily bundled to combat the cold. He removed his helmet and strode vehemently over to the front door of the complex.

"What are you doing?" Shuichi cried out. Hiro's stance was firm and his face was hard and determined. Shuichi knew this look; Hiro wanted to beat the hell out of Yuki.

"I'm going in to see what the fuck is wrong with that bastard." Fire spat from Hiro's mouth, his tone ferocious and deadly. "This is the last time he'll ever make _my _best friend cry." He grabbed the door handle, ready to barge in and fly up the flight of stairs to Shuichi and Yuki's apartment but Shuichi caught his arm.

"Please…don't…" Hiro pushed Shuichi aside and opened the door, ready to infiltrate the apartment and make Yuki regret whatever he had done to Shuichi. Shu grabbed him by the waist and pulled him down. "STOP!" Shuichi cried out. "You don't understand!" Hiro looked into Shuichi's desperate eyes looking for an answer to such foolishness. He caught a glimpse of Shuichi's reddened cheek and the fire inside him roared.

"Did that bastard hit you?" Hiro said, taking Shuichi's face up in his hand. Shuichi's pale skin was already rouged by the chilly winter breeze but his right cheek was puffy and significantly redder. On closer examination, Hiro noticed Shu's still bleeding lip. Hiro became furious and quickly got to his feet, slamming open the door and heading for the stairwell, Shuichi close behind him, begging him to stop.

Shuichi threw himself to the ground, tripping Hiro again and preventing him to go up the stairs. He lay broken on the ground, crying in fear of what Hiro would do to his sick lover. "Please…you can't hurt him…." Shuichi whimpered between sobs. "He needs help…I-I just need to….leave him alone for a while." He sat on the floor hiding his face behind his hands. Hiro's eyes softened as he looked at his empathetic friend. He scooted closer and took his shivering body in his arms. Though his anger wasn't nullified, he couldn't deny Shuichi's wishes; not when he was like this.

"I'm sorry, Shu. I won't." Shuichi clung to Hiro, absorbing his warmth. "Now, stop crying. I hate seeing you like this." Hiro's gentle, melodious voice soothed Shuichi's soul but he didn't want to break the embrace just yet. The feeling of being engulfed in the one person he could fully trust eased his mind and, once again, he was thankful to have such a loyal friend. The embrace lasted a few seconds longer as Shuichi allowed himself to be thawed by Hiro's doting touch.

Hiro helped gather Shuichi up, taking his things and putting them in the storage compartment in the seat of his bike. They both hopped on and took a quick ride to Hiro's place. Shuichi knew that Hiro had plans with Ayaka that night and felt guilty for intruding. Luckily, when they arrived at Hiro's place, she hadn't arrived yet. The sun had yet to set, which allowed the friends some time to talk.

Handing a glass of milk tea to Shuichi, Hiro settled down next to him on the couch. "So, what went on? You weren't home for even an hour and now you're here. You were so excited to go home. What happened?"

Shuichi tried his best to suppress his tears. He was so tired of crying and had a bad headache. "I got home and tried to talk to him. That's it. I don't know what I said or did to make him…freak out like that. But, before I knew it, he hit me and had me pinned on the couch." Shuichi explained, sipping his milk tea and keeping his trembling eyes on the floor. His voice was monotonous and the words lazily slipped from his mouth. "He was a different person. I just wish I knew what was happening to him to make him be this way. Every time I express my concern for him, he turns into another person all together. Someone I don't recognize…someone with ice cold eyes and no emotions. I don't know what to do…" The struggle ended and Shuichi submitted to his wavering tears. He didn't hide his face, his expression unchanging; just the hot tears streaming over his pillowy cheeks.

"Maybe it's like you said before. Maybe you just need to let him be alone right now and, by the time we get back from Osaka, he'll be even better than ever before." Hiro tried desperately to give hope to his broken friend despite his hatred for Yuki. Never before had he seen his best friend look so drained and completely depressed. For the past week, Shu had been forced on a rollercoaster ride he had never asked to be on and the sudden changes between absolute bliss to rock bottom showed on his tear-stained face. The room fell silent as Hiro took Shu in his arms again, simply holding him and giving him a warm place to stay. The kindness brought a new wave of guilt upon Shuichi. "I'm sorry…" he muttered, resting his chin on Hiro's shoulder. Hiro stroked Shu's incarnadine hair, whispering softly into his ear, "It's ok, Shu. It's not your fault."

Shuichi stayed cuddled in Hiro's snug embrace until his exhaustion overtook him. Hiro didn't even notice that his friend lay sleeping in his arms until the doorbell rang and he wouldn't rise. He took Shuichi to his room and settled him into bed. Ayaka was at the door and Hiro wrote a quick note to Shu before leaving. The night had a lot in store for the new couple but Hiro couldn't help but worry about his vulnerable friend. He locked the door to his apartment and swept Ayaka off her feet as they went into the heart of the city.

* * *

_Fucking brat. Who is he to say anything to me when he's the most childish piece of shit a person could ever meet. _Yuki steamed as he paced the house, smoking cigarette after cigarette, unable to control his rage. The confrontation was short and he wasn't even sure how it arose so quickly but he couldn't get it off his mind. The simple fact that Shuichi would even think of retorting brought Yuki's already boiling blood to complete magmatic heat. He quickly devoured his cup noodles, too lazy to prepare anything else, and choked down his medication; two pills instead of one.

In a desperate attempt to take his mind off of his fermenting fury, he dialed Tohma's number. He waited expectantly for Tohma to answer but, when he didn't, Yuki was even more enraged. He slammed his phone down and grabbed his pounding head. _I should have just killed him. Killed that fucking brat while I had the chance. I hope dies on the way to Osaka. Or even better, I hope he takes his own pitiful life tonight before he even goes. _Yuki thought of all the ways Shuichi might go about killing himself. Overdose, slitting his wrists, jumping off a tall building, going back to the very place they had met and blowing his brains out. Knowing that he could invoke this in the little bastard gave Yuki great pleasure and he smiled at the thought of Shuichi's brains scattered across the picturesque park in which he had first insulted his shit lyrics.

Unable to do anything else, Yuki threw himself down on the bed and began to think harder and deeper into the details of Shuichi's suicide in mirth. The visions became so vivid, it was as if he were standing there, guiding Shuichi threw the suicide, coaxing him gleefully, handing him the gun with a smile. Yuki laughed wildly, rubbing his hands across his face and digging his nails into his skin.

Shuichi and Yuki stood face to face in the park, Shuichi crying crimson tears as Yuki shot daggers into every fiber of his being through his words and inaudible insults. No sound could be heard; no breeze, no traffic, no words, no breathing. It was a world void of sound and yet his words pierced Shuichi's conflicted heart. Yuki couldn't hide his enchantment as he stared deeply into Shuichi's tattered soul; the soul of a broken man, a soul with no hope left to spare. He knew this was the breaking point. Shuichi had given up. This was the moment he had been waiting for, the moment he dreamed of.

Yuki beckoned Shuichi to him knowing he wouldn't resist. Although he was on the edge of suicide because of his very own lover, there was no way Shuichi could deny him. As expected, he came to Yuki, standing so close to him but they were galaxies apart. Shuichi brought his dull black eyes up to meet Yuki's, staring blankly. The bloody tears run thicker down his pale, dead face. This dissatisfied Yuki. In order to liven up his prey, he bent down and gave a tender kiss to his casualty's expressionless lips.

Life was restored to Yuki's zombie-like victim. His eyes gleamed with the same hope they had once gleamed with, colour returned to his cadaverous cheeks, the whole world was in bloom once again. Yuki's grin stretched further across his face as he presented Shuichi with the burnished pistol, progressing with fate as they both knew this vibrance would not last. Yuki gave an excited nod in Shuichi's direction, gesturing for Shuichi to start the show.

Shuichi brought the barrel of the gun slowly to his head, his finger hovering over the trigger. Yuki shook his head and briskly took Shuichi's hand. He guided has hand, placing the gun between his supple lips, pointing the newly polished pistol upward. Yuki smiled heartily at the opportunity to personally play a leading role in his lover's suicide. His eyes filled with anticipation, the smile never wiping from his maniacal face.

The sun quickly set, bringing a hurried nighttime scene to the set. A single street light cast a luminous glow on the actors, mimicking the fateful night in which they had met. Yuki lit a cigarette and let it hang from his grinning lips. His mouth moved but the sound was still inaudible. Though he couldn't hear the words, Shuichi could read his lips as the mouthed "Do it."

In that instant, in an attempt to fully please his sadistic lover, Shuichi pulled the trigger. The sound of gunfire exploded across the silent park, echoing several times before dissipating, the sound of Yuki's laughter rivaling the loudness of the shot. The exact way he had imagined Shuichi, his face down in a pool of blood, his intellect scattered behind him.

The whole thing played out in front of Yuki's very eyes but he had never left the bed. He was awake and conscious, feeling as though he was there in the park, cackling loudly in the silence of the apartment. His daydream was broken by the sound of his phone vibrating on the night stand next to him. He quickly snapped back to reality, seeing only the room he was presently in. He quickly snatched the phone and looked to see who it was. Tohma.

"Hello." He answered, voice a bit strained.

"Hi, Yuki? You sound awful." Tohma said, concerned. He knew that Yuki seldom called him out of pure sport. "What's the matter?"

"I-I don't know. C-can you…come over?" Yuki's voice shook as he realized the severity of his daydream, how realistic it felt and how happy he was to be the sole reason for his lover's bloody suicide.

"I'll be right over." Tohma said hurriedly and hung up. Yuki sat up in bed, rubbing his head, trying to soothe his distant mind. _What the fuck was that?_ His conscious mind thought. The daydream impacted him deeply. _This shit is so fucked up. Where is Shuichi? Why am I alone? Why did I call Tohma? _Yuki desperately tried to keep his mind focused, perilously trying to grasp onto something real. Tohma knocked on the door. It seemed like only a minute since Yuki had hung up with him.

"I got here as quickly as I could." Tohma said, struggling to catch his breath. Yuki scoffed, still wondering why he had invited this parasite over although he was thankful for the company. Finally he had something to focus his mind on; pulling him out of the treacherous unknown he had been submerged in.

Yuki sat down at the kitchen table and rested his elbows on the hard wood, propping his chin up in his arid hands. Tohma stepped into the arctic apartment. It was nearly as cold in there as it was outside and, when he saw Yuki in just a wife beater and boxers, he was noticeably shocked.

"Aren't you freezing? The heat isn't even on." Tohma said, walking into the room and taking a seat at the table. The chilled wood nipped his skin through the denim of his pants as he settled into his chair.

"Please shut the fuck up about the heat. It's the medication. It makes me so hot most of the time." Yuki stated. He picked nervously at his nails and gazed angrily at Tohma. There was a chilly silence between them. Normally it was no problem for Tohma to strike up a conversation with his beloved Yuki but, he just seemed too distant. Even in a conscious state, Yuki was conspicuously different. It was clear to Tohma that Yuki could be set off into a merciless indignation at any moment. He had seen this look in Yuki's eyes before, lethal and poisonous, almost as much as the day he killed Kitazawa. Tohma kept his distance but was nevertheless curious about why Yuki had invited him over. There seemed to be no reason and yet he knew Yuki would never call him over for nothing.

"Is there anything you wanted to talk about?" Tohma sheepishly asked, bracing himself for whatever words Yuki might spit at him. Tears welled in Yuki's flaxen eyes as his unstable mind tried in agony to find the answer. Squeezing his eyes shut, he stood abruptly, the heat inside him overwhelming his body. His hand slapped over his mouth as he hindered the emerging bile. Tohma let Yuki vomit in peace and waited anxiously outside the door. _What is going on? I knew he was on a new medication but this is overkill._

Tohma heard that Yuki's vomiting had ceased and yet Yuki remained in the bathroom. He listened intently and could hear the distinct sound of Yuki's sobbing coming from the other side.

"Yuki? Are you alright?" Tohma sympathetically tapped on the door, listening for an answer. After a couple seconds of Yuki's stifled crying, Tohma invited himself in. Yuki was curled forlornly on the icy white tiles, his back to the door and audibly crying.

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" Yuki shouted from the corner of the bathroom but Tohma refused to comply, kneeling down behind his dearly beloved, picking his pieces off the ground and cradling him in a compassionate embrace. Tohma buried his face in Yuki's convulsing back, trying in vain to steady his mind.

"I won't leave until you tell me what's happening to you." Tohma said, unafraid of the consequences this might hold or how mad Yuki might become. It was impossible for him to walk away from Yuki when he was shattered like this and it was the perfect opportunity to get closer to the man he had never stopped loving. He got to his feet, stretching out a hand toward Yuki. "Let's sit and chat. Like old times. No pressure." He tilted his head and smiled as Yuki took hold of his helping hand and followed him to the living room.

* * *

Shuichi rolled out of bed and looked at Hiro's glowing alarm clock. It was only a little past eight and the apartment was deserted. He looked to the slip of paper set neatly on the nightstand.

_Shu,  
__Sorry I couldn't stay with you.  
__I went out with Ayaka.  
__I'll try to make it home as quickly as I can.  
__If you need me for anything, don't be afraid to call me.  
__I'm here for you, buddy. Don't forget.  
__-Hiro  
__P.S. Help yourself to the fridge._

Shuichi slowly rose to his feet, his head still pounding from the immeasurable tears that had been shed that day. He was a little hungry and figured the nutrients might ease his headache. He rummaged through the refrigerator and fixed himself a simple, plain salad, not feeling in the mood for much else. He took his meal to the living room and flopped down on the couch, flipping on the TV to be greeted with an image of Yuki. Shuichi sighed. Must he be reminded of his troubled lover at a time like this?

It was a biographical program on the life of Yuki. Shuichi laughed at the mistakes and blatant lies throughout the program. When Shuichi thought about it, he was surprised about how much he had actually learned about Yuki since he had first met him. It was a rocky start and certainly a bumpy road but, in the end, all of Yuki's skeletons had been uncovered and Shuichi still loved every bit of him. Shuichi mused as he thought of all the good times they had together since their fateful meeting. Yuki's hard exterior never fooled Shuichi; Shu could always see through his façade into his creamy, soft center. But, things were different now. Shuichi couldn't help but think things were getting worse. _I know I shouldn't think like this…But, Yuki is even more confusing than ever…_

Heat rose to Shuichi's cheeks as an image of him and Yuki flashed on the screen. It was back from the very first time Yuki admitted to the public that he and Shuichi were lovers. Just as the sweet memories came flooding back, Shu's phone buzzed in his pocket, startling him out of his pleasant daydreams. _YUKI? ALREADY?_ Dread cloaked Shuichi's mind as he answered the phone.

"H-hello?"

"Are…are you ok?" Yuki asked hesitantly. Shuichi was shocked; this really was as messed up as it seemed. Just a few hours ago Yuki had dared to manhandle Shuichi with no remorse and now he was calling, teary eyed and sniveling. Shuichi didn't know what to make of the situation.

"I'm fine, Yuki. I thought we agreed that we both ought to spend some serious time apart to let you recover…" Shuichi said suggestively, trying to lightly coax Yuki off the phone.

"You're not hurt, are you?" Yuki continued, ignoring Shuichi's comment.

"No. I'm not hurt. Don't worry about me. You worry about yourself. Get some rest and try to get better." Shuichi said, lying. _I'm hurt more than you could ever understand, you fool…_Shuichi had to stay strong if there was any hope of Yuki recovering. He was determined.

"Ok…" Yuki complied. "I-I just wanted to know…that you were ok…Have a safe trip." Yuki hung up and collapsed into Tohma's lap.

Tohma and Yuki had sat on the couch for an hour straight giving Yuki a chance to cleanse his mind and ramble on to Tohma's listening ears. He told him of all the confusion, all the darkness, and nonsensical dreams he had been having. He told him of the daydreams, the thoughts of slaughtering Shuichi and watching him die and how good it made him feel. He also spoke of the blackouts he had been having and the large gaps of time that were simply lost from his consciousness.

Tohma took it all in, trying as hard as he could to process these raw feelings that where being expressed. "As hard as it may be for you right now," Tohma said, "you have to let him know you care." Yuki said nothing. Tohma continued. As much as it pained Tohma to be giving Yuki this type of advice, he knew it would be wrong to manipulate his beloved in such a vulnerable state. "Are you really going to just let him run off like that? And not show him that you're concerned? What if something happened to him? You need to let him know you care…Why don't you give him a call?"

After his brief phone call with Shuichi, Yuki wanted nothing more than to pass out and sleep for as long as he possibly could. He rose from Tohma's lap and announced that he was going to go to sleep.

"Would you like me to stay?" Tohma suggested. "I have no obligations for tomorrow." Tohma now knew that Yuki would have a horrible night's sleep if he didn't have company. Again, though it broke his heart to be so close to his love, he knew that Yuki would only hate him more if he failed to help him at such a vital time. Yuki told him everything, trusting him. He couldn't break that trust now.

Yuki nodded. "Can…can you just make sure…I don't do anything weird? And, if something weird happens, wake me up as quickly as you can." Tohma smiled and nodded, following Yuki into the bedroom. He dragged a chair from the kitchen in and set it next to Yuki's bed as an observation post. "You can sleep in bed with me if you want. You can get comfortable."

"I think it would be better if I just watched and made sure you were alright." Tohma said with a fake smile still plastered on his face. "Plus, I'm not at all tired. You just get some rest. I'll be here."

The company eased Yuki into a pleasant sleep void of any dreams at all, just the blackness of his idle mind. Tohma sighed as he straddled the back of the chair, slumping over the back rest. It was going to be a long, cold, tempting night for him as he watched the most precious person in his life sleep slovenly. Not much further into the city was Shuichi, still distressed over his lover's phone call. All was silent in Hiro's apartment. Hiro was not due home for another couple of hours at least, knowing Ayaka and the amount of fun she liked to have when they were out together. Just as Shuichi was letting his guards down and relaxing once more into the couch, someone knocked heavily on the door. Shuichi ignored it at first until the banging got louder and more urgent. Shuichi got up to look through the peephole and, upon seeing who it was, was apprehensive about answering the door.

Shuichi pretended not to be home, shutting off all the lights and hiding in the dark but the banging continued. "I know you're in there!" The voice called from behind the wooden door. Shuichi's attempts at evading the visitor were all in vain. He finally stood up and allowed the unexpected visitor in, petrified to spend time alone with him.

**Thank you for reading! I love you all so much!**

_To be continued..._


	7. Osaka

Disclaimer: Gravitation is all Maki Murakami's and _Stay Forever_ belongs to Ween.  
Author's Note: Wowowow. Ok, so, I am so so so so sorry for making you guys wait! I have had a really busy couple of weeks and I tried my best to write when I could but, it just didn't play out as I had hoped.  
I have mixed feelings about this chapter. I feel that it is not my best writing but, a lot happens in this chapter. Even I did not expect Yuki to do what he does! But, it will make the ending more intense, I think. By the way, the places mentioned in this chapter are real places but, Panya Bakery is in NYC, not Japan but, minor detail! And for those who may not know, shinkansen is the bullet trains in Japan and daifuku is a Japanese snack that is mochi rice filled with sweet red bean paste. It is very yummy! The song I included in this song is _Stay Forever_ by my favourite band, Ween. Ween is definitely nothing like Bad Luck but, I felt like the lyrics really went with the story and Shuichi's feelings so, I couldn't resist using it. Also, this chapter is a little longer than usual. I hope that makes up for my lack of posting!  
Hmmm...I think I covered all the bases. Again, I am so sorry for making you wait and so sorry if this chapter sucks. It was written over a long period of time and is very scatterbrained. I tried! But, thank you for your patience and I hope to get the next chapter up faster than I did this one. m(_ _)m Please enjoy!

Shuichi opened the door and led the unexpected guest into the once quiet apartment. _Hiro didn't mention he had company coming over…_he sighed.

"What are you doing here?" Shuichi greeted the guest curtly, a .44 magnum pressed firmly against the side of his head.

"Yo! Good thing you opened the door; I was about to blow it open! HAHA! I came to spend the night to make sure Hiro was in line for tomorrow!" K said in his accented Japanese. "I was going to hit you up next but, it looks like I can kill two birds with one stone!"

"Does Hiro know about this?" Shuichi asked, annoyed as he pushed the gun away from his head.

"No! That's the point! If he expected me to come, he would be in top shape. Where is he anyways? And why are you here?" K stepped farther into the apartment, his long blonde ponytail drifting whimsically behind him. Quickly making himself at home, he grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and collapsed onto the couch.

"Yuki's giving me a hard time so I came here to spend the night." Shuichi took an exhausted tone as he was once again reminded of why he wasn't home with his love. _Can't I just forget?_ K noticed his forlorn expression. Although he didn't want to press the subject, he was curious whether or not these emotions would conflict with the upcoming performance.

"I don't mean to be nosy but, is it very bad?" K looked over at Shuichi, genuinely concerned. Though K was Bad Luck's manager, he considered all the band members to be his personal friends and cared very much about each of them. He had only known Shuichi for such a short time but had been through the ups and downs with him. If something was wrong between Shuichi and Yuki, K would be sure to fix it…with force.

"It's not his fault…" Shuichi began to explain for what felt like the hundredth time. "I don't know if you know but, he's on a new medication to help improve his mood and his mind is really scrambled right now. Sometimes I wonder if the medication is just making it worse…" Shuichi had thought this for a long time but never voiced it to anyone. He was a little surprised to hear his own voice say it; he felt guilty. _It's not getting worse. These things take time. It just seems bad now because I expected him to be fixed too soon…It's NOT worse._ Shuichi tried in vain to convince himself otherwise but, he couldn't help but feel like his instincts were accurate. He let out a long sigh and tried to stop thinking about it, stop thinking about Yuki. So many times in the past he had allowed his feelings to get in the way of his work but not this time. He had finished the album before schedule despite his problems with Yuki and now he was going to perform flawlessly for his fans in Osaka. Most of all, he was not going to disappoint his friends…not again, not this time.

K continued to stare pensively at Shuichi. _Maybe I should pay Yuki a visit and set things straight myself._ If anyone knew how to set Yuki straight, it was K; and it wouldn't be the first time."You want me to go talk to him?" K asked enthusiastically. "Maybe I can get him to-"

"Don't bother." Shuichi interrupted. "We need to be apart anyways. I know what you're thinking; you think this is going to affect my performance. Well, it's not. I finished the album without any problem, right? I can do this." Shuichi's face convinced K that he was determined to do anything; nothing would stop him. Shuichi was such a little spit-fire and when he got like this, K knew he meant business. It was a rare occurrence that Shuichi would willingly push his emotions aside for the sake of the band. K wasn't about to question this new wave of motivation. Instead, he simply smiled at Shuichi and dropped the subject.

K and Shuichi chatted for a little while, watching television and talking about what they would do in Osaka on their last day there. The group had decided to stay and extra day to have some fun in Osaka after the big show. Hiro opened the door suddenly and K rose instantly, pointing his gun directly at Hiro who stood frozen in the doorway.

"Identify yourself!" K announced, finger steadily hovering over the trigger.

Hiro took his helmet off, exposing his face. "IT'S ME, YOU IDIOT! Who do you _think_ it is? And why are _you_ in _my_ apartment?" Hiro kept his feet rooted until K lowered his magnum.

"Never come into a room with your face concealed. It could cost you." K said sternly. _What is he even talking about?_ Hiro thought as he laid down his things on the kitchen table. It was only ten but, Hiro made sure to come home early for Shuichi's sake. He knew Shuichi would never do anything outlandish but, as a friend, Hiro felt better if he spent some time with him while he was feeling down. Ayaka had insisted to go to another club but Hiro told her it would be better if he got some rest. Thankfully, Ayaka had understood and Hiro was in the clear, feeling much more at ease to come home and play guardian to his dear friend.

"You still didn't answer me; why are you here?" Hiro huffed from the kitchen, scrambling through bags and setting the table.

"I'm here to make sure you are ready for tomorrow! I'm staying over tonight to make sure everyone gets up ON TIME and we make it as quickly as we can to Osaka." K gleefully answered, polishing his gun as he spoke.

"What about Suguru? You're never after his ass." Hiro scoffed.

"Suguru is related to Tohma; there is no way he would ever slip up like you knuckleheads do."

Hiro sighed audibly. "Anyways, why don't you guys come to the table? I got something special." Hiro brought a cutely packaged box over to the table and placed it in front of Shuichi. "It's really for you. It's up to you whether you decide to share." Hiro smiled as Shuichi examined the box. There was a little sticker marked "Panya Bakery" in the center of the lacy box; Shuichi's favourite bakery in Tokyo. He opened the box and was presented with a little army of a dozen cutely decorated cupcakes. Each cupcake represented a different animal and each had its own unique face, frosting, and design. Two strawberry-pocky poked out from each animals head and rows of fresh strawberries lined the bottom of the box. Shuichi's eyes widened at the cuteness of the little pastries, sparkling as they filled with tears.

"You didn't have to do this…" Once again, the familiar warmth of hot tears tickled Shuichi's pink cheeks as he looked over to his smiling friend. Again, Shuichi felt guilty. Even though the night was for Ayaka and Hiro, Hiro still went out of his way to do something special and came home early to make sure he was ok. Hiro was too good of a friend to him.

"Aw, come on now, Shu! It was nothing, really! I would have felt bad if I didn't do something for my best buddy while he's feeling low." Hiro's genuine smile warmed Shuichi's heart, his face beamed at Hiro's kindness. Although he still didn't feel like he deserved such kindness, he accepted his gift.

"Thank you so much, Hiro. You're too good to me."

"OH! THIS IS TOO MUCH!" K wailed dramatically from across the table. "Beautiful! This is simply beautiful! Two friends, coming together and the love! OH THE LOVE!" K fired a few rounds into the ceiling, "FOR LOVE!"

"What are you doing?" Hiro grabbed him by the arm, ceasing fire. "I have neighbors up there you know!"

K nudged him off effortlessly and turned his aim toward Hiro. "You're next." He said, suddenly very serious.

"Anyways!" Shuichi giggled, gathering everyone's attention again. "Please, I would love to share this with the both of you…Without the two of you, I would be nothing. Thank you for never giving up on me." Shuichi said sincerely wearing the biggest smile his face could handle. Peace was restored in the apartment as Hiro served some hot sake to lighten everyone up; a precursor to a good performance.

* * *

The sound of crashing thunder woke Yuki from his deep sleep. It was dark outside and even darker in the room although it was well past 10AM. Yuki felt rested but confused. He looked over to Tohma slumped over the back of the chair beside the bed. _What is he doing here?_ Yuki thought as he continued to stare puzzlingly at Tohma's sleeping face. He could remember only bits and pieces of the night before, remembering that he had told Tohma to stay and watch him, but not remembering why. After another moment of thought, he shrugged and lifted Tohma from the chair, placing him in bed and tucking him in.

The cold rain continued to fall heavily outside. The storm was brutal and the wind howled against the tall city buildings. Lightening illuminated the dark black clouds followed by explosions of thunder. However harsh the conditions, Yuki had always enjoyed storms such as these. The sound of nature at work was relaxing to him and his mind was once again at ease as he fixed a simple breakfast and brewed some fresh, steaming coffee. He sat silently at the breakfast table, thinking hard to the previous night. Flashes of memories came to him but it was unclear to him exactly what happened. He could remember the look on Shuichi's face as he left but, why did he leave? He remembered inviting Tohma over but, why? It was impossible for Yuki to piece it together.

The vivid image of Shuichi's suicide flashed in his head. Did it happen? Or was it a figment of his imagination? Yuki could only barely convince himself that it was just an illusion. _He left before that ever "happened". He's going to Osaka. This is ridiculous. He's not dead._ Curious, he checked his phone; Shuichi texted him a couple hours previous.

"on the train 2 osaka cu in a few days feel better" Yuki scowled at the hardly legible text but felt relieved to know he was still alive. The dreams and illusions were driving him mad. Disturbed sleep was one thing; full on illusions of events happening before his very eyes was another. For some reason it all felt very wrong to him but, he erased it from his mind and put his focus elsewhere.

* * *

Tohma finally rose and made his way to the living room where Yuki lay splayed out on the couch, reading something. He didn't want to disturb him but, when he tried to slip back into the bedroom, Yuki looked up and caught him.

"Good morning…afternoon." Yuki said, returning his eyes to the book in front of him, his chin cradled him the palm of his right hand.

"Did you sleep well?" Tohma asked, yawning widely.

"Yeah." Yuki responded, paying little attention to Tohma. As much as he wanted and needed the company of another human being, why did it have to be Tohma?

"Is there anything I can do for you?" Tohma felt Yuki's chilliness. He wore a hurt expression as he gazed pleadingly at Yuki, prepared to fulfill any request he had; willing to serve him in the hopes of gaining some affection.

"Try getting the fuck out." Yuki grunted without a shadow of concern. "I don't even know why you're here but, whatever the reason, I don't need you anymore. So, leave."

"I would leave if I knew you were alright. It's clear to me that your problems have not been resolved and, frankly, I don't want to leave just for you to leave another pathetic, crying message on my phone." Tohma sharply retorted, grinning at Yuki's reaction. He tried to hide his distaste but, Tohma was right; if he left, he wouldn't be able to keep his mind in check. He needed someone to be with him and, if Shuichi was gone, then it had to be Tohma. Yuki sighed deeply at his hasty defeat. Tohma was always so clever when it came to spending as much time as possible with Yuki.

"Fine, but you're only here as a stand in for Shuichi, got it? So don't try anything." Yuki said firmly, shooting daggers at Tohma from across the room.

Tohma giggled, keeping his typical warm, smiley expression. "I get it, I get it. Will you ever make up your mind on that boy?" The question was intended to be rhetorical but, Yuki shot an answer right back.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Yuki was beginning to get a little aggravated. It was different when Shuichi questioned his love but, when Tohma questioned it, that made him furious. "It's really none of you business what goes on between me and Shuichi."

"Well, what I mean is, one minute you nearly killing my songbird and the next you're completely devoted and can't live without him." Tohma continued to pry, out of jealousy, despite Yuki's blatant warning.

Yuki stood immediately taking an intimidating stance. One wrong move from Tohma would provoke Yuki to strike. "If you don't shut the fuck up, Tohma, I swear; you will be the next person I kill. Shuichi isn't your anything; he's nothing to you. So, stop trying to act like any of this is your business and stop trying to possess him like a piece of your filthy property."

"He's not the one I want to possess." Tohma said, approaching Yuki with a lustful look in his eye. "It's you." Tohma stood uncomfortably close to Yuki, putting his face close to his, keeping strong eye contact and smiling as he always had. His passion peaked as he felt the heat resonating between their bodies.

"I told you not to try anything, you piece of shit. Stay the fuck away from me." Lightening struck close to the apartment complex, thunder rolling heavily afterward, echoing through Yuki's demanding words. Tohma broke out of his lustful spell, realizing that this was not the way to make Yuki happy. He would only further hurt his beloved this way and, after the trust Yuki had instilled in him last night, Tohma would feel guilty to have betrayed him for the sake of his own emotions. Though it pained him to give up, he backed down. "Alright, alright. I won't, I promise. I was just testing you." Tohma took a seat on that couch. "But, I'm not leaving. You need help."

Yuki sat on the opposite side of the couch, scowling at Tohma but satisfied with the company. Though he was angry, his mind was still fully with him and he could focus on the situation at hand; the stress was controlled and he felt at ease. _If he's going to stay, we may as well talk. _Yuki thought, feeling the awkwardness of the silence between them.

"So, how many shows are Shuichi and the guys doing?" Yuki asked with fake interest, keeping the subject on something other than himself.

"Only one big show tomorrow. When they arrive today, they will rehearse, rehearse tomorrow during the day, and the show is at night at Osaka-jo Hall. The show sold out in minutes but, it's a special show with songs from their new album so, even though I begged them to do more than one show, they wanted the night to be special." Tohma was downhearted thinking about all the extra money they could have made from additional concerts. Yuki thought to himself, not responding. _One special night…_

_

* * *

_The two spent the rest of the afternoon separately. Yuki worked diligently on his new book, getting closer and closer to meeting his deadline, for once, while Tohma sat in the living room and made copious business calls. The storm rumbled on, giving Yuki peace of mind as he worked. To his dismay, he could not get his mind off of Shuichi's upcoming show. He already deeply missed his little lover and wanted to see him badly. A memory sparked in the back of his mind; Shuichi's first concert. Even though Shuichi's lyrics were so shitty and Shu was as annoying as ever that night, something drew Yuki to him. That night, when Shuichi announced on the top of his lungs that Yuki was his, Yuki knew his life would never be the same.

He stopped typing, thinking back to the treasured memory. What he wouldn't give to recreate such a night. _What am I thinking?_ Yuki stopped himself. _I can't do that. Shuichi would be so mad to see me in the crowd after being driven out by me. But maybe…_The plan he was cooking slowly in his head forced his lips to curl into a devious smile. Yuki, sensibly thinking for the first time in days, realized that the couple had to make amends before their trip to the US and he knew exactly how to do it…if only he could keep his emotions in check. But, the only way this plan would work would be if he could get his book ready for editing by tonight. With this in mind, Yuki typed furiously, his inspiration and determination refreshed.

* * *

It was early evening and the sun was slowly setting in Osaka, painting the reluctant sky delicate shades of pinks and purples before turning the sky over to the moon. The band had arrived and already settled in their luxury suite at the Teikoku Hotel Osaka. The hotel overlooked the Okawa River, their suite having the most elegant view of the crystal waters. The three band members shared one suite, K and Sakano sharing the adjacent one. The trip to Osaka had been a long and taxing one with several delays due to the severity of the storm. Everyone was wiped out; Hiro and Suguru passed out as soon as they stepped foot into the suite. Shuichi, though exhausted, was a little nervous, not only for the concert but for his lover back in Tokyo.

A feeble knock came from the managers' door. Too tired to make a scene, K calmly got up and opened the door.

"I know everyone is tired but, can I come in?" Shuichi shyly asked, tugging nervously at the bottom of his thick sweater. He knew he was getting in the way but, he couldn't fight his feelings off by himself. Though he did not outwardly voice what was wrong, just spending time with them would be therapy enough; anything to escape the guilt of leaving Yuki on bad terms and the loneliness of not being with the one he desired.

"You're worried." K said unexpectedly. "You'll lie and say it's the concert…but it's not that. It's Yuki, isn't it?" He had seen this look so many times before from Shuichi. From the very start of the trip, K knew they wouldn't be able to escape Shuichi's feelings. He had seemed so motivated the night before. K needed to once again spark that determined flame in Shuichi's heart.

Shuichi was shocked at K's accuracy and ability to read him. Unable to deny the accusation, Shuichi meekly nodded his head yes. "I'm sorry…I know you don't want to hear it. I just can't help but be worried. He's been so unpredictable lately. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing…" Shuichi was too drained to cry, too exhausted to emote. Guilt weighed heavily on his shoulders as he began to regret ever leaving Yuki. _He may be acting strangely but he needs me…I know he needs me…_

"It's like you said before, Shuichi; he needs some time alone to straighten out his head and figure out exactly what he is doing." K said, giving Shuichi a friendly look. "Don't worry! I'm sure he's at home missing you like crazy. Let's just get through the concert together and then, next week, you guys will be on vacation and everything will be perfect. Trust me. Now, go get some sleep. We have a long day tomorrow!" K gave Shuichi a manly pat on the back and ushered him out the door. It was uncertain whether or not Shuichi would succumb to his emotions just yet but, for the sake of the band, K hoped he wouldn't.

Shuichi slipped back into his suite, being careful not to wake the other slumbering band members. He lay in bed but couldn't sleep, unable to stop thinking about what Yuki might be doing. _What if he does something to himself…He's so fragile right now…I just want everything to go back to how it usually is. I don't even care if he isn't different…I just want the old Yuki back._ Shuichi finally allowed his mind to settle and fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.

* * *

_Done. I'm finally done._ Yuki thought with a feeling of accomplishment as he quickly added the finishing touches to the first draft of his book. He glanced at the corner of his computer. It was four in the morning and he felt the exhaustion setting in. He had been writing for hours on end, stopping only to fix dinner and take his medication. Most impressive was his ability to stay focused. Yuki looked at the little print club picture stuck to the bottom of his monitor and smiled as his brilliant plan was about to unfold. With a new air of accomplishment and pride, Yuki stepped out into the living room. Huddled on the couch, phone on the coffee table, and TV still on, Tohma lay sleeping. Guiltily, Yuki looked down at him, pitying him. _Hopeless._

Yuki took a blanket from his bed and draped it over Tohma. He scratched a note for Tohma reading:

"You didn't have to stay.  
I left for important business.  
When Mizuki comes, give her my flash drive.  
Lock the door when you leave.  
I know you have a key.  
Thanks for being there.  
I know what I need to do.  
-Yuki"

With that, Yuki showered and freshened up. He ate a quick breakfast and took his pills before packing a light bag and leaving his apartment, locking the door behind him. He hurried to the train station, hopping on the earliest shinkansen to Osaka. There were no delays and the trip only took three hours. Yuki slept the whole ride there; trying to make up for the sleep he had lost in order to finish his book. When he awoke, he was still quite tired but exponentially more alert and ready for the night he had so eagerly prepared last minute.

Arriving in Osaka, Yuki rented a room at a local, cheap motel. He was making good time and was able to squeeze in a few more hours sleep before he had to get ready to catch the show and sweep Shuichi off his feet. His mood was in top shape without a shade of anger or animosity and his dreams were average and quickly forgotten. The decision he had made was vital and potentially life changing for his and Shuichi's relationship. Yuki knew that if he was forced to stay in the apartment for the three days without Shuichi, he would have lost it completely, surrendering his mind to the black unknown. If he let that happen, no one would be able to drag him out of it, not even Shuichi. Tohma, though acceptable company for short periods of time would never be able to keep Yuki under control for too long; his feelings for Yuki had shown through too strongly. Yuki knew he had made the right decision and, best of all, he felt the desire to see Shuichi. How deep that desire was, Yuki was unsure. But, in any case, he needed Shuichi and he wanted Shuichi to want him back. It was a split second's decision but, if properly executed, it could change their lives for the better and finally help Yuki recover from his still present illness.

* * *

The morning had finally set in and the band was getting ready for their first rehearsal. Thankfully, everything was seamless and the band played each of their songs perfectly. Shuichi regained his lost confidence and was finally getting hyped for the big show that evening. Yuki was still on his mind but he knew he had a show to do and he was going to put his heart and soul into it, for himself, for the band, for his fans, and, most importantly, for Yuki. _Strong. I've got to be strong. That's what's going to get us through._

Since their rehearsals were flawless, the band got a chance to relax before the show. They all decided to go back to the hotel and veg out before the concert in order to keep a peaceful state of mind. Suguru and Hiro made sure to keep their mouths shut about Yuki or anything that might spark Shuichi's depression but, Shuichi's deep feelings and concerns were inevitable.

"This album has been a breeze for us, hasn't it guys?" Suguru chimed, sitting on the couch and picking on the daifuku they had picked up on the way to the hotel.

"Yeah." Hiro responded. "Not to mention tonight's concert is pretty much in the bag! I think this has been the easiest album thus far and definitely the most rewarding. It almost seems too good to be true! No loopholes or anything! We got this!"

"I have something to say." Shuichi said, suddenly becoming very serious. "I know that in the past I've been a real pain to work with. I let my personal life interfere with work…but, you guys are still here with me today and now…now we're going to put on our biggest show to date. I just want to thank the both of you…for never giving up on me…even when I wasn't doing my best." Crocodile tears slid down Shuichi's milky cheeks but he wore the most sincere of smiles as he looked up at his friends.

"Don't worry about it, buddy! We wouldn't be a band if we didn't stick together." Hiro said.

"Yeah!" Suguru cut in. "You don't give yourself enough credit. You're a hard worker, Shu! Plus, we're your friends. We'd be letting you down if we didn't push you every now and then."

"Now enough crying and getting all sappy and let's get back to concert hall. The show is in an hour and we need to get ready!" Hiro said excitedly.

Shuichi gave a determined nod and they were off, headed for a memorable night for both the band as well as the fans. It didn't take long for the band to arrive at Osaka-jo Hall; at least it didn't feel like very long. Adrenalin ran high in all three of them as they changed and primped themselves for the show which was now in less than an hour. Everything had gone perfectly up to this point and Shuichi was confident that this night would be the most impressive feat the band had ever experienced to date.

* * *

Yuki groomed himself in front of the mirror, preparing himself for tonight. He knew he would have no trouble getting back stage as he had planned given his status and role in Shuichi's life, as well as his connections. He stood in front of the full length mirror in his motel, adjusting everything so it fit just so. He wore his most expensive and elegant tuxedo which he hadn't worn in years. Surprisingly, it fit him well, better than it ever had. Yuki was pleased. The contrast between the black suit and his golden hair complimented his beautiful face and sultry bodice. He looked like a prince ready to sweep his lover off his feet.

Once Yuki was satisfied with his overall appearance, adjusting his tie and setting his hair, he dashed off into the city to gather all the items he needed to perfect the historic night. It was all very cliché to him but, he knew it was the kind of thing that Shuichi would gush over and something that he absolutely wouldn't refuse. He knew what kind of impression this would make on the credulous boy and he used that knowledge to his advantage.

After picking up the last of what he needed, he hailed a cab and made his way over to the concert hall located in Osaka Castle Park. As he sat in the back seat with all the items he had gathered, he thought of the kinds of reactions Shuichi might have. He was more than sure that it would be a positive experience, an experience that would make up for all the mistreatment Shu had been put through throughout their relationship. But, Yuki also doubted himself. _He seemed so intent on being separated during this show…what if he's mad that I'm here? What if I've lost him completely? What if he's sick of me? _Yuki shook off the doubt and turned his mind to more positive thoughts. _There's no way he could be mad. I know him. He'll be ecstatic to see me and everything will be ok. There's nothing to worry about. _Yuki couldn't help but be nervous when the taxi pulled up to the park. He paid the driver and tipped him generously. He gathered his things and walked through the crowded park to the concert hall in the center. _This is it…no turning back now._

_

* * *

_Shuichi stepped out onto the massive stage, his friends behind him. The crowd roared excitedly as the bright light shed on the ever popular Bad Luck. Shuichi gazed out into the crowd with an air of confidence. Over 16,000 screaming fans filled the enormous concert hall and even more stood outside, watching two massive screens fixated on the band. Shuichi waited for the roar to simmer before he began talking.

Yuki had pushed through security to get back stage; a fairly easy task for the renowned novelist. He searched the building before bumping into K.

"Yuki? What are you doing here?" the manager asked, genuinely surprised. Yuki explained to him in urgency. K grinned at the determined man and led him backstage.

"I…I have a favour to ask…" Yuki said sheepishly. K nodded, beckoning him to continue. "Could you tell Shuichi to play this…at the end of the night? For the last song?" He handed K an old piece of paper with Shuichi's sloppy handwriting all over the page. K smiled, remember the song and how much work Shuichi had put into it at the time. "Don't tell him it was me…" Yuki said. K smiled again at Yuki's thoughtful and sweet surprise. He nodded again and led Yuki backstage where he had a perfect view of his vivacious lover, on stage and working the crowd.

"Hey, Osaka!" The simple greeting brought on another roar from the crowd. "It's almost Christmas so, we're here to give you an early present! Our new album isn't released yet but, tonight, we're going to play all new songs! I hope you guys enjoy it!" The crowd went wild as the band began to play their new songs. Yuki stared in awe at his partner's charisma. It seemed as though Shuichi was not even fazed by their recent falling-out. It was almost as if Shuichi had forgotten all about Yuki. This made Yuki feel a little downhearted but, he knew it wouldn't last. By the end of the night, Shuichi would never forget him again and Yuki would never have to worry about Shuichi leaving him. _This is it…tonight is when we start our new beginning and…when we're in Vermont…_

Yuki was broken out of his trance when K went rushing by with the tattered piece of paper in his hands. _It's already time? _ The nervous feeling was reignited in Yuki as he saw K whisper in Shuichi's ear. He could see very clearly the look of surprise on Shuichi's face as he looked at the messy lyrics scrawled on the page. As K went to tell Hiro and Suguru the plan, Shuichi made an announcement to his confused audience.

"It looks like we have one last song for you tonight. It's a very rare song…I've only played it a couple of times and never thought to include it in any of the albums…This song is very special to me so, I hope you guys enjoy this one last gift." Shuichi was a little nervous and felt a bit panicked. He now knew that Yuki was there somewhere but he didn't know where. The crowd was too big and he couldn't see if Yuki hid amongst the audience. Even if he tried to search the crowd, it was hopeless; the stage lights were too bright for him to see any further than the first couple of rows. _This can't be a coincidence…it has to be him…but where is he?_ Shuichi didn't even think to look behind him and, before he knew it, the band had already started playing. He quickly refocused and sang the words he had never performed for anyone besides his close band mates and his bipolar lover.

_In the morning sun, I couldn't tell you_

_I couldn't tell you so many things_

_About how much I really love you_

_About how much you really mean_

_So far away but it's so easy to see you_

_When I'm away I want to put my arms around you_

_And I want to know - do you feel the same way?_

_'Cause if you do I want to stay forever_

_And I want to know - do you feel the same way?_

_'Cause if you do I want to stay forever_

_With you_

Shuichi put every ounce of himself into singing this particular song knowing that, somewhere, Yuki was listening. When he had first sung the song for him, it had no effect. Yuki had scoffed, making no comment. This time around, he planned to change that. His talent shown through as he poured himself into the song, hoping his love would feel the strong connection. Little did he know that, from back stage, Yuki was feeling the deep passion in the lyrics and the intensity of his voice and charisma. Never before had Yuki seen Shuichi so passionate whilst performing. His heart swelled at the realization that it was all for him and no one else; not the fans, not the record label, not the band, not the money, but for Yuki and Yuki alone.

_So many colors that surround you_

_Some so bright I can hardly see_

_A light reflects on all the things that make you real_

_Things that make you truly free_

Still desperately searching through the crowd, Shuichi continued to sing. He couldn't see Yuki anywhere. _Maybe he's really not here…maybe this is some kind of sick joke._ As he thought this, he began to tense up. He tried his best to hide his conflicted emotions and carried out the rest of the song as strongly as he had begun; perhaps even stronger now to ensure that, wherever Yuki was, he would hear it. Yuki continued to muse as he listened to his lover's melodious words. It was almost time for Yuki to make his move. He had all the things he wanted to say stored safely in the forefront of his mind. His pulse quickened as he imagined the bold move he was about to make at the end of this song. He listened closely; he was ready.

_So far away but it's so easy to see you_

_When I'm away I want to put my arms around you_

_And I want to know - do you feel the same way?_

_'Cause if you do I want to stay forever_

_And I want to know - do you feel the same way?_

_'Cause if you do I want to stay forever_

_With you_

The crowd screamed in delight at the end of the performance although they didn't know how deeply meaningful the song was to Shuichi. Shuichi forced a smile for the crowd but couldn't keep the light tears from streaming and sparkling down his face. This was Yuki's chance. Before Shuichi could have a chance to dismiss the crowd, Yuki walked slowly from backstage. The overzealous fans fell silent and a collective gasp filled the stadium. Shuichi was confused as he looked to the faces of his fans. Seeing that their eyes were diverted, Shuichi turned around slowly to see what was happening behind him.

The bright lights caught Yuki's arch angelical face, his fair, golden hair sparkling and dancing as he confidently strode across the stage. His appearance was immaculate and that of a true gentleman. His tuxedo was perfectly aligned and caressed his body's every curve. In his arms was a wild bouquet of flowers with a variety of species and colours as chaotic as their relationship. His face was stern and clenched from the nervousness that was coursing throughout him but a softness lay hidden in his eyes, a softness that Shuichi could see clearly as Yuki approached. Yuki's aroma was sweet and divine, his smell fresh as he finally neared Shuichi's love struck body.

"Yu-Yuki? What…" Though Shuichi knew Yuki was near from the moment K had handed him that old, tattered song, he didn't expect to see him quite like this. He could hardly get control of his words as he stared longingly at his handsome lover.

Yuki put a silencing finger to Shuichi's coy lips. He handed Shuichi the bouquet and kissed him gingerly on those same lips. He looked Shuichi dead in the eye, thinking hard to remember all the things he wanted to say. As he started to speak, the emotions tumbled out and his planned speech was completely scrapped. "I don't know what's happening between us lately but I do know that it's all my fault." He started, feeling the lump in his throat grow harder as he forced the words out. "I know I drove you to leave the other night. And I know I don't need to tell you that I'm going through a hard time. But…this…this is for all the things I put you through…I-I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate you, Shuichi. I need you. And I commend you for bearing with me for so long…I'm not… an easy person to live with. But, I want that all to change."

A trickle of sweat ran down the side of Yuki's face, the unbearable heat surrounding and boiling him. Nevertheless, he pushed through it and said what he needed to say. Now, for the biggest surprise of the night. Shuichi, the crowd, the band members, and the managers backstage watched in suspense as Yuki lowered himself slowly onto one knee in front of Shuichi, his confident voice ringing throughout the entire stadium. "We have all the time in the world to fix our indifferences. Will you spend that time with me?" Shuichi didn't say anything, still in shock from the whole event. He couldn't tell what was going on, whether he should be happy, sad, excited, worried, scared. His mind was racing, his heart about to burst as he saw his lover reach into his breast pocket only to reveal what he had never expected; a little velvet box. Yuki propped it open and held it out to Shuichi, revealing the most magnificent ring Shuichi had ever seen. It was one simple band encrusted with a plethora of pale sapphire leading to the eventual diamond in the center of the ring. The light on the stage made the precious gems sparkle in Shuichi's eyes as he gazed down at Yuki and the ring waiting for an answer in his hand. The crowd was tense but silent as they waited for Shuichi's answer. Shuichi stood completely still as he gathered his thoughts and tried to think reasonably, knowing he had to answer soon. The room was heavy with anticipation; everyone's eyes were on the romantic scene playing out on the stage. Even Hiro and Suguru were in complete shock by this unexpected turn of events. After a few more long seconds of thought, he reached a conclusion. He looked down at his lover's innocent eyes and began to speak…

**Thank you for reading and much love to all of you!**

_To be continued... _


	8. Eye of the Storm

Disclaimer: Nothing has changed. Maki Murakami owsn Gravitation, for realz.  
Author's Note: Gah! Sorry for making you lovely people wait so long once again! I've been very busy but, I've been trying very hard to keep up with this story. This chapter I'd say is just about the halfway point of where I want this story to be. This chapter is a bit fluffy and a bit...descriptive (?) Maybe even a bit redundant (?) I don't know...I don't know what to think of my writing anymore. All I can do is hope that it's not turning out to be horrible. I think once we move the story out of Japan and it is just the two of them in the middle of nowhere, things will get very interesting. I have a lot of ideas but the hard part was all this time before their trip. So, I hope this chapter isn't too boring. The story will definitely start to really pick up in the next chapter when they arrive in Vermont. And, by the pace I'm going, this story could very well be finished on Christmas! HAHA! I thought I would be done well before but, I am moving at a snail's pace here so, who knows! We'll have to see. Anyways, thank you for the constant support from my regulars. I love you very much and appreciate all the reviews I have gotten as well as all the readers out there in the world. It means so much to me that people even bother to take the time to read it so, thank you.  
OK! Enough babble from me! On with the story!

The stage lights burned brightly on the couple as everyone froze, waiting for Shuichi's answer. The pressure on Shuichi was unbearably immense as thousands of eyes pierced him, the most intense being the two looking up at him from the floor of the stage. Yuki's eyes couldn't sway him this time; Shuichi had made up his mind. Even so, the overwhelming feeling brought him to the floor, his tears scattered across the hardwood of the stage. Now on Yuki's level, he looked him sternly in the eye, his own eyes heavily misted with impatient teardrops. He gathered up Yuki's free hand in his, feeling the rush of uncertainty coursing through his veins. It was rare for Yuki to allow himself to be so unguarded, bringing down his defenses and letting Shuichi be responsible for his happiness. Shuichi recognized this as a highly dangerous situation; one misstep and Yuki could lose it. He chose his words wisely but kept his voice absolute. He came in close and began to whisper.

"What are you doing?" he said; not the reaction Yuki had been expecting. "This place has cameras from head to toe. The paparazzi are all over shows like this…what is with you? You should know this!" Yuki retracted the ring and stared at Shuichi, his feelings spread across his confused face. Still, Yuki did not speak. "Can we please take this somewhere else?" Shuichi asked, still looking Yuki square in the eye. Shuichi had never looked more serious or matured before, looking down on Yuki as if he were a child who had done something wrong. Embarrassed, Yuki turned his face away and nodded yes. Shuichi looked at him a moment longer before he stood and bid his expectant fans farewell.

"Can't let you guys know everything about my personal life now can I?" Shuichi announced into the mic, rubbing the back of his pink head and laughing nervously, still very much taken by the suddenness of the situation. The crowd groaned when they realized they would not get to see the steamy romance they had hoped for when Yuki stepped out onto the stage. Slowly the crowd started to filter out as Shuichi faked a genuine farewell and wished the 16,000 plus fans a merry Christmas. He turned back to Yuki who was still on the floor, a blank expression splayed across his face. Since last night, Yuki had been so sure that Shuichi would accept and that he would win him back for good. Now, although he still did not get an answer from Shu, he wasn't so sure of how things would pan out. Shuichi looked different; his whole demeanor seemed aged and authoritative. Yuki began to wonder why he gave him so much power.

Hiro and Suguru, still astounded themselves at Yuki's random show of passion, gave the couple time to go about their business as they started packing up their equipment. Shuichi knelt back down in front of Yuki, looking at him again with the same confident look he had given K when he told him that his personal life would not conflict with his work; that same confidence the base of his bold decision. Behind this confidence, Shuichi was shaken up, unsure of Yuki's reaction. He silently prayed that, by some slim chance, Yuki would remain as calm as he had been.

"Come on. I know somewhere we can go." Shuichi said, reaching a hand out toward Yuki who was still speechless. Nevertheless, he took Shuichi's hand and allowed him to lead the way. Shuichi looked toward Hiro, feeling bad to leave the work to his band mates. Hiro simply nodded and smiled, giving the OK for Shuichi to do what he needed to do. Shuichi smiled back, relieved, and gripped Yuki's hand harder as he led him to a private place.

As they quickly walked throughout the winding hallways of the concert hall, Yuki struggled to keep his budding emotions from growing into a much larger, potentially dangerous beast. _I knew I shouldn't have done this._ He thought, regretting ever making himself so vulnerable. Now the ball was in Shuichi's court, something Yuki despised even the thought of. Shuichi now had full control over his shaky emotions. The only thing keeping Yuki's mind from overflowing with eminent anger was the fact that a clear answer was still not given. Though he knew he shouldn't, Yuki clung on to the last bit of hope as the couple finally made it to their destination.

They arrived in an exclusive outdoor sector of the park directly behind the concert hall. During the spring and summer, the small outdoor corridor served as a tranquil garden where performers could come to meditate and relax. The winter stole the vibrant colours of the garden but still acted as a peaceful area for those who needed a quick escape. The sky was dark black with only the full moon piercing through the tenebrous atmosphere. Night had fallen hours ago, the chill in the air stinging their faces as they walked through the hibernating botanicals. The path led to a row of benches illuminated by dim streetlights lined against the heavy foliage behind them. Shuichi, still grasping Yuki's tense hand, led him to a bench and sat him down. Dressed only in his light stage clothes, Shuichi began to shiver. Instinctually, he huddled up to Yuki for warmth. Yuki didn't flinch, too distracted to stop him and too tired to chase him off. He sat in silence, letting his hesitant lover feed off of his heat. Shuichi knew he had to begin speaking and give Yuki an answer but the silence of the night felt so endearing, Shuichi wished it could last forever like this. When was the last time Yuki allowed Shuichi to openly cuddle him without complaining? It was the small details like this that Shuichi had fallen in love with.

No matter how much he tried to forget the subject at hand, it was impossible to deny Yuki the answer he was eagerly waiting for. From the moment Yuki had proposed, Shuichi thought hard about his reply, thinking with a level-head and not jumping to an answer. Shuichi conjured up a reasonable response with a fair explanation, feeling mature in his decision instead of childishly falling into the same old trap which his heart so dearly desired. Yuki wouldn't be please with the answer but, Shuichi couldn't stall any longer. He thought out his words and tried his best to soften the blow, genuinely unsure of how Yuki would react given his unpredictable behavior lately. He turned to catch Yuki's moonlit eyes and began to speak.

"Yuki, please just hear me out on this, ok?" Shuichi said, hoping that Yuki would listen to his full explanation before cutting in. Yuki remained silent and looked with worried eyes at his lover. His doubt was now personified and he knew what was coming but couldn't stop the train from derailing. "I can't accept this." The answer Yuki had been dreading. He continued to listen despite the strong feelings in the core of his being. "I don't want to accept this knowing that you're only doing it because you're afraid that, if you don't, you'll lose me. I want to accept it when you truly want me which means you need to recover first. I'm not saying no to hurt you; I'm saying it because we're both not ready. You know that. And, you really don't have to worry, Yuki, because you'll never lose me. I love you so much, I could never think of being with anyone else."

It surprised Yuki how insightful Shuichi had become over the course of just a couple of days. Something in him had changed; he wasn't the typical love-struck dolt Yuki has always known him to be. Although he was disappointed, he couldn't fault Shuichi on his reasoning. In fact, Shuichi was dead on and Yuki knew it. The only reason he did such an outlandish thing was because he was afraid. If he ever lost Shuichi, his life would become a void of nothingness and he would slip slowly from reality. Yuki would not be strong enough to deal with the loss of another passion. In his mind, he wasn't mad at Shuichi, but in his heart, he was blindly raging. Yuki sat feeling conflicted but keeping his eyes in Shuichi's, keeping his reality alive and not succumbing to the indignation building up in his acquiescent heart.

Seldom had the couple ever saw eye-to-eye but now, no one said a word. The tension had dissipated and Yuki's taciturnity felt welcoming to Shuichi or, at least it was better than if he had put up a fight. Yuki looked ahead of him into the frozen night, feeling the weight of exhaustion pressing on his entire body. He fished for a cigarette and lit it, taking a deep drag and letting it burn slowly between his lips. The rage he had felt was stamped out by his fatigue and he had become docile. He looked over to Shuichi who still looked a bit uneasy, waiting for the moment when Yuki would snap back at him and ruin the moment. Yuki crushed out his cigarette and leaned over to give Shuichi a gentle, reassuring kiss. Suddenly, any doubt that Shuichi had been carrying was quickly melted by the warmth of Yuki's tenderness. Shuichi reached up his hand and rested it on Yuki's hot cheek, absorbing his heat through his agile fingers. Although Shuichi was completely engulfed by Yuki's ardor, he realized he shouldn't let his emotions get the best of him; that this was only the beginning and Yuki was still not completely better yet. New storms would come in their relationship until Yuki would finally be ok enough to truly want Shuichi forever by his side. But, for now, the couple sat in the eye of the storm and Shuichi couldn't help but be captured by Yuki's sweetness.

As Yuki pulled away, Shuichi could see the weariness in his eyes. "Let's go back to the hotel." Shuichi suggested, feeling more than a bit tired himself. He lent a hand to Yuki and helped him get to his feet.

"I already have a motel." Yuki finally spoke, his voice defeated. "I need to catch the train back to Tokyo anyways…" Since the night had not ended in the fairytale fashion Yuki had expected, he really had no desire to stay in Osaka. In addition, he didn't want to burden the other band members on their day off in Osaka. He knew he wouldn't be wanted if he stayed. All Yuki truly wanted to do was sleep for as long as he possibly could while he still felt normal. Even he knew this tame mood wouldn't last.

"Are you kidding? Save the train for tomorrow morning. I'll come stay with you tonight." Shuichi's pleading eyes meant that his decision was absolute and he would not back down. Luckily, Yuki was too drained to protest and, despite his conflicted emotions, he wanted to be with Shuichi. The day and a half spent without him was lonely, even with Tohma to keep him company. Yuki simply nodded, not putting up a fight.

It was so unlike Yuki to be so agreeable. Shuichi found it strange; Yuki was acting almost human. Maybe their brief time apart really did set Yuki's change in motion. Since Yuki had started his medication, Shuichi had many ups and downs; believing one minute that Yuki was fine and then suffering the consequences of disappointment later. Shuichi was happy for the moment but, he realized that this mutuality could turn on a dime. Try as he may, he couldn't help but fall for the same old trick; Yuki's love was irresistible to him.

The couple returned the dressing room and found Hiro packing up the rest of their things to go back to the hotel. "There you guys are! I was about to leave without you!" Hiro said jokingly. Seeing the contented look on Shuichi's face told Hiro that things must have blown over well. Curious, he glanced down at Shuichi's left ring finger; naked. Surprised as he was, Hiro said nothing, hoping to keep the civil mood between everyone alive.

"I'm actually going to spend the night with Yuki. He has a room somewhere so, I was going to spend the night and meet up with you guys in the morning for our trip around Osaka." Shuichi said, yawning. This made Hiro even more curious; not only had Shuichi declined Yuki's offer to marriage but Yuki was calm, calm enough to allow Shuichi to spend the night with him. It was completely bizarre. Was Yuki getting better after all? The situation was very uncharacteristic of Yuki but, no one dared question it.

"Oh, well, it's still a little early. You guys want to come to the hotel for a couple of drinks before heading out?" Hiro offered, eager to talk to Shuichi alone. Shuichi looked up at Yuki who looked mildly uninterested, remembering his strict ban against alcohol.

"We're both pretty tired." Shuichi answered for the both of them. Yuki was glad Shuichi didn't make mention of his embarrassing restrictions.

"That's aright. I hear ya. Long night!" Hiro said with his typical smile. "Where do you want to meet tomorrow? The hotel?"

"Yeah, I'll call you in the morning and tell you when I'm coming. I'll try to wake up early. See you later." Shuichi said and left Hiro eager to know what exactly happened. The night had been such a surprise all the way around from their solid performances to the amount of fans to Yuki showing up and proposing to Shuichi declining. _Oh well._ Hiro thought, desperate to gossip with Shu. _Looks like I'll have to wait until tomorrow._

_

* * *

_Yuki and Shuichi arrived at the small motel room. It was nothing fancy; just a small room with a bed and a TV. The rug was a deep maroon and the walls were white; a standard room for the cheap price Yuki had paid. Yuki stripped off his clothes and flopped down in the bed in only his boxers. As always, his body was immersed in heat and he craved the cold air to sink into his skin.

"Dang it!" Shuichi exclaimed, realizing he had left all his clothes back at the hotel. "I don't have anything to sleep in and it's freezing in here." Shuichi tried to hide his distaste for the cold remembering the price he paid for trying to turn on the heat but, he couldn't help but be mad at himself for not considering bringing a sweatshirt.

Yuki flipped the lamp off and took Shuichi by the wrist, dragging him down into bed and drawing his childlike frame close. The two lay huddled under the down comforter, Yuki's cumbersome arms holding Shuichi, letting him lavish in the warmth of his own body. Shuichi was stunned; yet another surprise from his lover tonight. It felt too good to be true. Shuichi hesitantly snaked his arms around Yuki, clinging to him, forcing his body as close as could be allowed. Yuki's body was warm and inviting, like a cup of hot tea on a cold winter's morning. The feeling of Shuichi's chilled skin felt refreshing to Yuki; his presence easing his enervated mind. The heat transferred evenly between them, the temperature of their bodies meeting a happy equilibrium. Their flesh meshed into one skin, their breathing in sync and their bodies perfectly connected.

"Yuki?" Shuichi suddenly broke the silence, his head tucked into Yuki's chest. "Are you awake?"

"Yeah." Yuki whispered back, barely in a state of consciousness. The exhaustion had an intoxicating effect on Yuki as he struggled to stay awake.

"Why did you come after me like that? I…I thought you were mad." Shuichi tensed up as he waited for an answer. He didn't want to break this loving spell but the curiosity was killing him. He silently prayed that the question wouldn't set Yuki off, hoping beyond hope that he didn't screw up by asking. He flinched as Yuki tightened his grip, holding Shuichi impossibly close.

"I missed you." The simple question beckoned a simple answer but those three words rung in Shuichi's mind for the rest of the night. Even more powerful than Yuki's proposal, the simple fact that Yuki had missed him set his heart aflame like never before. _This is the new Yuki._ Shuichi thought as his lover succumbed to his sleepiness. _Yuki would never say such a thing so liberally. The separation did do us good. And now he really does love me._ Shuichi lay blushing in Yuki arms, his soft breaths the only sound present in the room and the only sound Shuichi wanted to hear.

"I love you." Shuichi whispered softly to his dreaming lover, all his worries evaporating into the midnight air as he joined Yuki in his slumber.

* * *

Shuichi woke up bright and early with the winter sun filtering through the room behind the sloppily closed blinds. He sat up and stretched his refreshed body, sad to leave the warmth of Yuki's protective embrace. He looked down at Yuki with admiration, wishing he could spend the rest of his life nestled in his arms. The feel of Yuki's apotheosis body surrounding him lingered on as if Shuichi had been permanently branded. The essence of life had been reborn and repaired for the impressionable boy, his hope restored. Although Shuichi could never predict what the future had in store for his relationship, he was overwhelmed with faith. _It's going to get better._ He thought with a smile as he lifted himself out of bed, planting a loving kiss on Yuki's cheek, letting his subtle taste tease his hungry lips. He looked down a bit longer at the picturesque look of Yuki's sleeping face. Shuichi had always thought he looked like a bona fide angel on earth when he slept. He looked completely relaxed and innocent, perfectly at peace. Shuichi reached out his curious fingers and fastidiously touched Yuki's white velour face, his senses accentuated as he caressed the face of the man who embodied paradise; Shuichi's personal Shangri-la.

Shuichi scrawled a note and left it on the night stand for Yuki. With that, he left the apartment, smiling and energetic, excited for a day with his friends. Shuichi quickly hailed a cab and jumped in before he could be noticed by the public. Since he was still in the clothes he wore the night before, it would be easy for any hungry, delusional fan to spot him and tear him to bits. The ride to the hotel was short but long enough for Shuichi to reminisce, still thinking deeply and passionately about the previous night and how Yuki looked when he first emerged from back stage. Yuki looked so nervous like a puppy that had been kicked around too much in its short lifetime; a look Yuki did not often bear. Shuichi was still mystified at how calmly Yuki took his denial, almost as if he was relieved by Shu's answer. And maybe it was this feeling of relief that caused Yuki to be so gentle and loving, finally treating Shuichi as a lover and not simply a sex toy or an annoyance. Shuichi still shuttered at the thought of Yuki's luxurious touch. No matter how simple, any attention from Yuki was enough to cause Shuichi's innocent heart to race with excitement. Whatever the reason for Yuki's actions last night, Shuichi didn't care; it was the dawning of a new age and Shuichi was excited for their promising future, never giving a second thought that this kind of love would ever end. This was the new Yuki and there was no going back, as far as Shuichi was concerned and as far as his narrow foresight could see. Shuichi was falling hard and fast, deeper and deeper in love with his dearly beloved, the hope in his heart outweighing the doubt in his mind.

* * *

Yuki woke slowly, taking in the sweet morning air and feeling completely revived, having one of the best night's sleep he had in what felt like years. For two nights in a row his nightmares had subsided allowing him to catch up on his much needed sleep and causing his mood to improve drastically. He noticed that he also wasn't having any blackouts or horrible visions and, even though his body was still very hot, it felt as though it might be cooling down; it didn't bother him to wear something more than a simple wife-beater. He was surprised with himself, feeling as blithe as he had a couple weeks ago when Shuichi had put his heart into impressing him. Yuki was glad that he could finally look back so thankfully on past events with his little Shuichi, feeling as though he was inexorably appreciating Shuichi for what he was worth and, to Yuki, he was worth far more than even the accomplished novelist could define. _Finally this shit is having some kind of positive effect._ He thought hopefully as he chugged down his morning pills. The scrap paper on the nightstand caught his eye; a note from Shuichi.

"Good morning, sweet heart!  
I had to leave early to meet Hiro and the others.  
Sorry, I wish I could have stayed with you  
I'll get home as soon as I can!  
I'll take the fastest shinkansen in Japan to get back to Tokyo!  
Have a safe trip home and I'll see you tonight!  
I love you  
-Shuichi"

The sloppily written note brought a sincere smile to Yuki's face. _Well, may as well beat the brat home._ Yuki thought as he ran his fingers through his bed tossed hair. It was nearly noon and the sun was high on Osaka. Yuki put on the clothes he had been wearing yesterday and packed his formal clothes into his bag. He tidied the room a bit, leaving a generous tip for the maid before returning the key to the main office. Unable to go totally unnoticed, he signed the secretary's copy of Yuki's recent book, falling into the assumed persona of handsome, manly, tender romance novelist. Before walking out the door, Yuki looked over his shoulder and gave the receptionist his most seductive eyes. _Pfft, women. They're easier to please than Shuichi._ He thought as the woman swooned.

Yuki made it on the shinkansen a little before one o'clock, his mood still blissful. Like Shuichi, Yuki was hopeful that his attitude had permanently changed, believing he was on the way to a beautiful and peaceful relationship with Shuichi. He decided to call Mr. Tanaka. He rang his cell phone but no one answered. _Must be having too much fun on vacation._ Yuki thought as he got Tanaka's voicemail.

"Hey, Tanaka. It's Eiri. I just wanted to let you know that I think the meds are finally working. I haven't had any nightmares in a couple of days and I feel just great. Hope all is well on your vacation." Yuki hung up and looked out the window, watching the fleeting scenery pass by as the shinkansen buzzed steadily along its track. It was only a couple days now until the couple would go on their trip to the USA and Yuki couldn't be more excited. They would spend up until Christmas there, staying 2 weeks in an isolated cabin in the snowy mountains of Vermont. With Yuki's improved attitude, the trip would truly be like a new beginning for the couple. Yuki was convinced, like Shuichi, that this was how it would stay and that, together, they would begin creating their own slice of heaven on earth.

* * *

Thinking reasonably, the band and its managers decided to stay indoors during the bustling hours of the day in Osaka. They all realized that they hadn't brought any disguises with them and they would all be too easily recognizable. Nevertheless, they brainstormed, still eager to explore the great city.

"Where can we go where we can just relax and not have to worry about a fangirl attack?" Hiro said from the couch, reading the front page of the newspaper which featured their performance at Osaka-jo Hall and Yuki's surprise appearance.

"Well, why don't we bank on staying here for the rest of the day and going out for dinner later?" Suguru suggested. "Everyone knows we're here and we don't have any disguises. We'd never make it out of Osaka alive if we went out." What he said was true; the whole city was aware of Bad Luck's presence and everyone was itching for a chance to meet their god-like band mates.

"I agree." Sakano quietly chimed in, not wanting to get killed by the swarming mobs of teenage girls that filled Osaka's busy streets.

"Ok but, where can we go eat? Anyone know anywhere good?" Shuichi asked slumped over the back of the couch and looking over Hiro's shoulder at the headlines. The pictures of Yuki and him were amazing. Shuichi would have to make sure to snag the paper later and cut them out.

"I've got it!" K said, jumping into the middle of the room. "Kankoku Katei Ryori Minzokumura! It's all the rage with Korean celebs these days! The food is great too. Everyone will love it!" K boasted as if he had already gone. Thankfully, everyone was interested in the Korean-style restaurant and everyone agreed on going there for their night in Osaka. For the rest of the day, they all lazed around the hotel. Hiro took a dip in the pool on the 5th floor of the hotel. Suguru practiced and wrote more music for his synthesizer. K and Sakano played a game of Texas hold 'em, in which Sakano failed horribly, over hot tea. And, last but not least, Shuichi sat, gazing out the window onto the river and into the bustling city of Osaka, daydreaming about none other but his dear Yuki. _I know I shouldn't get my hopes up this high but, I know that Yuki has to be improving. It's been weeks and now he finally is agreeable and no temper. It took a little while but, he's definitely starting to get better. No doubt about it. Yuki will finally be able to express himself…_

Shuichi was so wrapped in thought that the time simply slipped from him and he hardly moved from his spot in front of the river. The clear waters moved steadily through the city, a huge artery embedded into the earth giving life to all that surrounded it. The blue waters reflected the early evening sky as the sun clung lazily to the great expansive atmosphere, the winter sky an enticing shade of orange. Lights shown through the steady darkness of the falling night; buildings that towered over the earth, piercing the sky and casting their image on the cascading river. Through the generations, life had evolved around the stoic river and light had scattered over its ebbs and flows since its birth but, the pure water stood absolute in the face of all the unnatural atrocities surrounding, keeping true to its form despite how humans had betrayed it. It too hid many secrets beneath its deep crystal surface but, if just one person cared to delve into those unknown waters, the true life of the river would be unveiled. It just took one person to go deeper than the surface to see it, no matter the strength of the current of depths of the river. For those who sought Atlantis, one would surely find it with a little effort and determination. Shuichi intended to be that person, the person to touch the deepest depths of a life that nourished his soul and find the hidden paradise within that life.

By the time Shuichi snapped out of his dreamy reverie, night had enveloped the once tangerine sky with the smooth ivory moon replacing the winter's sun. Hiro had returned to the room and everyone gathered in the main living room of the suite, putting on their jackets and preparing to hit the ripe nightlife of Osaka. The group hopped the subway across the city and arrived quickly and safely at the Kankoku Katei Ryori Minzokumura. Before entering, Hiro stopped Shuichi. They ducked into the alley next to the restaurant and talked.

"What's up, Hiro?" Shuichi asked, a little nervous of being cooped up in the dark alley with only the dim light from the street flickering through.

"I just wanted to talk about last night. What happened? Yuki seemed so different." Hiro was not just asking this for the gossip aspect of it; the event seemed too idiosyncratic to be legitimate. Yuki had seemed too calm and nice. It worried Hiro more than anything. It seemed too good to be true and, if Hiro knew anything about Yuki, he knew that something was bound to go terribly wrong and soon.

"I'm not sure myself." Shuichi admitted, feeling a bit naïve. "But, I'm not going to complain. I think he's finally starting to get better. He was so gentle, even after I declined his proposal…The regular Yuki would never…"

"That's what I mean, Shuichi. It seemed like a split second change. Just a few days ago he was hitting you and running you out of the house and now this? Don't you think it's a little weird?" Hiro tried to be subtle about his approach, giving Shuichi an eye of concern. "What exactly happened between you guys anyways? You went off and then went straight to his room. What happened?"

Shuichi blushed thinking about how sweet last night had been. "Well, I took him to a bench outside in the botanical garden at the park and I basically just told him that I knew he was doing it because he was afraid to lose me. I told him that we both weren't ready yet for it. He didn't say much of anything. He was really very silent. He just kind of accepted it and that's it. When we went to his room, we pretty much fell asleep immediately. It was really as simple as that."

Hiro looked down at his beaming friend overflowing with emotion. He didn't want to completely ruin this mood for his friend but, nevertheless, Hiro couldn't help but feel like something was wrong. "Just be careful." Hiro warned. "I don't want to see my best friend get hurt anymore." Hiro smiled his genuine smile as he always had and the two of them finally joined the rest of their group in the restaurant and sat down amongst famous Koreans and Japanese for an exquisite Korean style meal. They all relaxed and were able to enjoy their last night in Osaka without having to conceal their identities. Most divine was the variety of Korean wines, all of which the group had tested leaving them all a bit tipsy by the end of the night. They finally decided to leave and stumbled happily throughout the city to pick up the next shinkansen back to Tokyo.

Night had fully consumed the great city of Osaka. When Shuichi realized it was well past midnight, he got worried remembering that he had promised Yuki he would get home early. He took his seat on the train and called his lover but there was no answer. Shuichi left a slurred message but knew Yuki probably wouldn't respond. A little down-hearted, Shuichi sat through the whole ride in silence, watching the night sky follow them as they returned to their home city, catching his translucent reflection in the cold glass.

* * *

Strawberry shortcake laid waiting on the table. Yuki had bought it with the intention of sharing it with Shuichi, expecting him to be home no later than early evening. It was now rounding one in the morning and Yuki just couldn't wait any longer. _I'll only have a little piece…_ He sat at the table in front of it and cut himself a decent sized piece succumbing to his ultimate weakness. As he ate, he thought deeply about Shuichi and their relationship over the years. He could have never imagined that the chance meeting in the park that portentous night would evolve into such a big thing, something that consumed his entire life and forced him to change. Not only that but, Yuki would have never imagined himself loving anyone again after what had happened with Kitazawa many years before. For so long Yuki had lived a solitary life being cold and mean to anyone who tried to get close to him. He became reclusive, even denying seeing his own family and having very few friends. He spent all his time writing books during those lonely years and, that night in the park, he contemplated ending his mundane, lonely existence. His life had been torn apart by the one person he ever loved and, even after years of carrying on life in Tokyo, Yuki still couldn't shake the mild depression that filled his broken and abused heart.

That night, he met Shuichi; the rambunctious teen with shitty lyrics and big dreams. Yuki thought nothing of trashing his lyrics and the small boost of confidence broke him out of his depressive spell. He walked by the wimp and returned home that night. But, that wasn't the last he saw of the boy. Shuichi had forced himself into the life Yuki Eiri, loving him through it all despite his bitter past and ugly attitude. Now, Yuki couldn't imagine his life without Shuichi's lively spirit. Without even trying, Shuichi had mended the broken man and gave him a purpose, although Yuki would never admit it. And now Yuki felt as if he had been reborn, keeping the memory of Kitazawa but opening his heart to his new lover.

Yuki snapped out of his reminiscing, looking down and realizing he had eaten well over 3/4s of the cake. The density of the cake finally hit him, making him feel like the undigested cake would burst from his bloated stomach. He wrapped up the rest of it and threw it in the fridge. Shuichi still hadn't arrive home but Yuki, with a fully belly, was beginning to feel sleepy. _I'll just lie on the couch…he should be home any minute…_Yuki laid on his back, looking up at the familiar ceiling, smiling to himself for no other reason than Shuichi. Just thinking of how adorable and easily excitable the boy was brought peace to Yuki and the words he had said the night before resonated in his weary mind. He had nothing to worry about; Shuichi would never leave him and would love no one but him. Even though Yuki knew this all along, the extra reinforcement settled his anxiety and made him feel as if he could recover at his own pace. Best of all, Yuki once again felt a desire for Shuichi much as he did when their love was still young. Out of his whole recovery, if there was one thing he wanted it was to want Shuichi like Shuichi wanted him and now, he was beginning to feel that spark. With hope in his heart, Yuki rested his eyes and let his mind wander carelessly as he soon fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

Shuichi marched up the steps to the apartment, knocking lightly on the door. No answer. _Sleeping…_Shuichi thought as he fished for his keys in his pocket. It was nearly three in the morning now and Shuichi was exhausted by the mixture of pure sleepiness and slight intoxication. He had still not fully sobered up, the effects of the alcohol warming his body and reddening his boyish cheeks. He opened the door and noticed quickly that the lights were still on. Stumbling in, he dropped his suitcase on the floor, took off his shoes, and entered the living room where he found Yuki on his back on the couch, dreaming jovially. _He musta tried to wait up for me…_Shuichi thought, feeling a little melancholy that he had let Yuki down. But, Yuki had waited. Since when had Yuki ever waited up for Shuichi? To Shu, this was another indicator of Yuki's advancements in his self recovery and he smiled at the pureness of this simple, sweet action.

Shuichi flicked the light off and tried to lift Yuki to bring him to the bedroom. It didn't take long for Shuichi to realize that not only was he not strong enough to carry his dead-weight lover but, he had no balance due to his current state. Instead, he stripped off his clothes down to his underwear and flopped down on the other side of the couch. It was hot in the apartment, Shuichi noticed. _I can't believe the heat is on…first time in weeks._ Shuichi thought and gave out a big yawn. He rested his head in his folded arms, looking through the dark at Yuki's shadowed figure rising and falling as he slept. It couldn't be a coincidence; all signs were pointing to an optimistic future between the two men. Shuichi regarded Hiro's warning but, this time, Shuichi knew that Hiro must be wrong. Hiro didn't get to see it from the perspective Shu did and Shuichi was absolutely sure that he was right on this one; Yuki was changing and that was the end of it. Yuki was becoming the ideal lover, Shuichi's muse and he couldn't wait to prove all the non-believers wrong.

**Thank you for reading! I love you!**

_To be continued... _


	9. Doubts of a Hungry Heart

Disclaimer: As always, Gravitation belong to Murakami the Great.  
Author's Note: Sorry for the millionth time for not updating as quickly as some of you would like (although, by now, this seems pretty routine so, maybe I'm actually on time lolol). You have all been quite patient and I very much notice and appreciate it. But, let me give it to you straight; this chapter is pretty much a lemon. I couldn't think of anything else for our beloved character to do in their day before the trip other than to have sex. Hahaha! Anyways, you can read or you can skip it although I would suggest reading it because, although it is littered with a lot of sex, I think it still has some important bits in it. I don't know, do whatever you want! I hardly even know what I'm doing lately! Anyways, I PROMISE that they will leave next chapter! The moment we have been waiting for, I'm sure! As always, thanks to all those who have read and reviewed my story! I still don't think I deserve it but I really appreciate your wonderful comments and your undying attention. You people are wonderful! Ok, so, go on and read if you wish!

Monday morning drew on indolently as the couple made no haste about waking. Shuichi's eyes flickered open and met Yuki's, their faces only an inch or two apart. Yuki lay on his stomach, his face withdrawn into his folded arms. He had just woken up himself but waited and watched as Shuichi tossed into alertness. Yuki's eyes were kind and curious, illuminated by the shivering sun. Shuichi sat up and scooted over to Yuki on the couch, scooping his face up and leaning down for a kiss. Yuki lifted himself on his elbows and returned Shuichi's candied morning kiss.

"Good morning." Shuichi said with a smile that stopped Yuki's heart. "Can I fix you anything for breakfast?" Shuichi stretched and peeled off his shirt, the same shirt he had worn the day before.

"Don't worry. I can get it myself." Yuki responded, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Yuki felt overwhelmed with happiness, the pure feeling cascading through his body. Shuichi looked so cute this morning, his lightly tossed hair and his agile little body moving about the apartment, his ripe ass shaking a little as he walked. Yuki had never felt such adoration before; he couldn't erase the smile from his eyes.

"What do you want?" Shuichi said, persisting, eager to serve his lover.

"If you insist, just a cup of coffee and whatever you make yourself for breakfast, I'll have some." Yuki said, being purposefully lenient, not wanting to sound too demanding. The last thing Yuki wanted was to scare Shuichi off with demands. "Do…do you want any help?" Working together still felt very awkward to Yuki but, he tried his best to keep a friendly tone.

"Hmm? No, leave breakfast to me! You stay there. It'll be breakfast in bed." Shuichi said, winking with enthusiasm. _It wasn't a dream!_ Shuichi thought, pulling out eggs and milk from the refrigerator and adding them to the pancake mix he already had in a mixing bowl. _It's lasting. His mood is lasting. This is the real deal._ Shuichi shot a glance over the cluttered kitchen counter and gazed longingly at Yuki still lying carelessly on the couch. Just looking at Yuki made Shuichi's sanguine heart pound with anticipation. From here, the future looked glaringly bright, almost blindingly so.

The pancakes sizzled on the griddle, the smell of maple filling the cool morning air. Shuichi stepped back into the living room, placing Yuki's mug on the coffee table beside him. "Thanks." Yuki said looking up, his eyes still dancing. Shu tilted his head and smiled before returning to the kitchen, taking the golden-brown pancakes off of the stove and fixing a plate, dressing the pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream, just how Yuki liked it best. He fixed himself a plate in much the same fashion and sat down next to Yuki on the couch, serving him his quickly made but nevertheless delicious and heartfelt breakfast.

"Can you believe that in only two days we'll be in Vermont?" Shuichi exclaimed with excitement. "I've only been to the U.S. a couple times but only ever to New York City and mostly for work so, it hardly counts. I'm so excited to see another part of the states! We should probably start packing soon and make sure we don't forget anything, huh? How cold do you think it will get there?"

"I'm not sure." Yuki answered, sipping on his hot coffee. "We'll be in the mountains, right? Maybe we should go get new winter coats. It will probably get pretty cold there, especially at night."

"You're right!" Shuichi jumped at the opportunity to go out in public with Yuki. "I looked at some pictures of where we'll be staying and there was a lot of snow, especially this time of year."

Yuki nodded. "After breakfast we can go out and get some. We should start packing tonight. Have you made a list?" Yuki inquired.

"Errr…no…." Shuichi hesitantly replied, remembering how Yuki had pestered him the last time they went on a major trip.

"It's ok. We can do it together tonight." Yuki said calmly. Shuichi's heart soared. _Yuki wants to do things…together? _ Shuichi power-ate his breakfast, eager to get the day started.

"I'm going to take a quick shower, ok?" Shuichi said getting up, grabbing a towel from the closet, leaving Yuki to finish his breakfast. Yuki listened from the living room as Shuichi got undressed and stepped into the steaming water cascading from the shower head. He wolfed down the last bite of pancakes and devised a plan. He wanted to take a shower too so, why not kill two birds with one stone? They had plenty of time, both of them not having any obligations but Yuki couldn't resist; he was drawn to Shuichi in the worst way.

Yuki slipped out of his clothes leaving them scattered on the sofa. He walked briskly through the apartment in his nakedness, sneaking into the bathroom without a sound. Steam bellowed out into the open air of the apartment; Shuichi always loved his showers hot. Yuki slinked into the shower behind his lover completely unnoticed as Shuichi tended to his hair. Slowly, Yuki wrapped his arms around Shuichi's waist causing him to jolt from the unexpected presence.

"What the fuck, Yuki?" Shuichi exclaimed, swinging his head around to meet Yuki's devious eyes. "Are you trying to kill me?" Yuki just smirked in response, running his hands up along Shuichi's wet skin, feeling his fleeting heart beneath his ripe surface.

"Shut up. You know you like it." Yuki said, still grinning, forcing his formidable fingers into Shuichi's gaping mouth, feeling the moist flesh inside. Shuichi blushed, pleasured tears gathering at the corners of his violet eyes, his whole body submitting to Yuki's hands. Yuki brought his covetous lips to the nape of Shuichi's moist, steaming neck, nibbling and sucking on the tender juicy skin. Shuichi's back arch and he lurched forward grasping for the wall of the shower to regain the support that had been lost from his weakened legs. Yuki bit down harder on Shuichi's spot making him gasp and writhe in a fit of pleasure. Both men were now fully erect, their bodies cherried by the scalding shower water which continued to rain down on them.

Now Yuki couldn't help himself. He wanted Shuichi so badly; his body called for Shu, yearning to be inside him. Yuki, using his size, pushed Shuichi against the front wall of the shower, the water slapping Yuki in the face, drenching him. Shuichi's fingers scratched the tiles, searching for a grip on the slippery surface. Yuki grabbed him by his slender waist, ramming himself into his tight backside. Panting, Shuichi felt as though he might pass out from the lack of oxygen, the moist air filling his lungs with each labored breath. Yuki's rhythmic force persisted, crushing Shuichi's torso further into the cold tiles. His assault came harder and faster, his strong fingers gripping onto Shuichi firmly for support. Shuichi called out in satisfaction, his tears mixing with sweat and hot shower water. Yuki began to trick his senses, moving faster and the slowing it down just to come back with an exponentially hard force, moving his hips to get different angles and caressing Shuichi's tender insides. Without warning, Yuki came inside his happily receiving lover letting all of his juices overflow in the small orifice. After a moment, Yuki pulled out but he wanted more.

Shuichi turned his head, his face blaring red, his body quivering, begging for the job to be finished. Through it all, Shuichi had not released his pelt up indulgence, the nectar of his passion waiting to be set free. His breaths still came heavily as he struggled to keep up with his pounding heart, the force of each beat shaking his entire body. Yuki took his face in his impatient hand, drawing it near and taking his parted lips in his own. Shuichi held his breath as he let his tongue dance with Yuki's making it impossible for him to bear the heat of the shower and the weight of his own body. He slumped to his knees finding himself struggling for air once more.

Shuichi's glazed eyes looked up at Yuki's with a look so powerful it pierced Yuki's soul and snapped him back to reality. He reached out and shut off the water letting the last of the water drain at the bottom of the tub. Yuki stepped out of the shower before bending down and scooping up his enervated boyfriend and carrying him out of the steaming bathroom. The significantly colder and drier air relieved Shuichi's stressed body. Yuki carried him to his study and dropped him on the easy chair which sat in the corner next to the bay window in the room. The shades were drawn and rays of sunlight filled the room, scattering across the two wet bodies making the glossy skin shimmer. Shuichi scrambled to a sitting position, still very much erect, his body still frustrated. Yuki hovered over him, cornering him between his arms, a wide smile still spread across his utopian face. He moved in closer to Shuichi, kissing him over and over, forcing his tongue deeper into his throat.

"Yuki…" Shuichi gasped, pulling away from his inescapable lips. "The…the window…" Yuki silenced Shuichi with another assaulting kiss.

"I want them to see." Yuki whispered, taking Shuichi up in his arms, his fingers sifting through his damp, ruffled hair. Shuichi gasped, his whole body trembling from the sensation, his mind buzzing from Yuki's words. Who would see them? The neighbors? The paparazzi? What would that matter? Those people meant nothing. No, not only would they see; the whole world would see. All of humanity would see how much Yuki loved Shuichi, Shu thought as he clung to his lover, his passion. Yuki took position and lowered himself slowly onto Shuichi, penetrating himself with Shuichi's throbbing erection. He worked his hips, moving slowly at first but quickly kicking up the tempo. Shuichi tried in vain to stifle his erratic breaths, biting his lower lip and whimpering, digging his fingers into Yuki defined back muscles.

"Relax." Yuki whispered into Shuichi's ear, taking advantage and biting it softly as he continued to gyrate in Shu's lap. He moved down to Shuichi's neck, slowly working his way down to Shuichi's pleasure spot. Shuichi's whole body jolted, every muscle tensing up as he screamed Yuki's name, moaning with the drop of every supple tear.

"YUKI!" He shouted. "I...I'm going to…" He breathed hard, his mind dripping with ecstasy, he could hardly speak. Yuki kept his place, working his body most furiously now, biting and sucking hard on Shuichi's neck as he felt the sweet warm liquid of Shuichi's passion fill him. Yuki lifted himself but remained hovering over his recovering lover. Both men stayed absolutely still, taking a minute to catch their breath before coming into puissant embrace, their exerted naked bodies connecting like the last piece in a puzzle.

Suddenly, Shuichi stood, knocking Yuki to the ground. Shuichi dropped to the floor, kneeling above him and pinning him down, the coldness of the hardwood floor tracing Yuki's spine. They stayed motionless, staring into each other's hesitant eyes. Yuki couldn't help but laugh at Shuichi's determined but nervous face.

"Wh-why are you laughing?" Shuichi asked immediately in an attempt to keep face.

"Nothing!" Yuki said and forced Shuichi down on top of him, the two bodies lying perfectly parallel to the floor. "You just look so cute when you try to impress me." Shuichi's naïve heart thumped hard in time with Yuki's, their still wet skin clinging to one another. He sighed and nestled his head under Yuki's chin, relishing in the sensation of becoming one with Yuki once more. Yuki smiled; the light flutter of Shuichi's heart on his chest, the clean smell of Shuichi's wet hair, the graze of his windy breath on his neck. Yuki sighed deeply absorbing the complex details of the simple morning, feeling as though Shuichi were melting into him. _What a morning…_ Yuki thought without any regret.

"We should get going if we want to go get coats." Yuki said, forcing himself and Shuichi up off the floor. "We have two weeks worth of packing to do and we haven't even started."

"Right." Shuichi said, nodding his head enthusiastically. The two of them got dressed and headed out into the bright, promising city. The couple went uptown going to one of the most expensive clothing stores in Tokyo. Both picked out incredibly bulky, warm coats for their trip into the mountains, laughing as they saw each other in their new puffed up attire. Yuki's smile was irresistible and he wore it all day as he shopped around with Shuichi. They both felt carefree, even out in the public eye, Yuki broke his chilly habits of being especially mean in public and loosened up, showing the world a kinder side to his madness even if he was heavily disguised. Shuichi didn't take this enchanting mood for granted. He basked in the essence of Yuki's magnetizing spirit and fed from his positive energy. Yuki saw Shuichi's response clearly, seeing the authenticity in his smile and the melodious ring in every word that he said. For once, it made Yuki happy to see him like this and it made him even happier to know that he was the source of this happiness.

* * *

The couple entered their cozy apartment and dropped their bags off in the bedroom. It was growing dark, the hazy setting sun glimmering in Shuichi's astral eyes as he admired the urban scenery from the bedroom window. It was still hard for him to fathom that the day had actually been real, that it all happened. He had always loved Yuki for who he was but now he was truly perfect and he finally had the relationship he had always imagined. In his mind, Shuichi had won. He had knocked down the thick, inauspicious wall blocking his heart and made a new settlement where no one had dared to travel. Shuichi smiled widely to himself, unable to contain his excitement. From this day forward, everyday would be endless perfection.

Breaking out of his daze, Shuichi returned to the living room. Yuki had already starting cooking dinner, the smooth aroma of grilled fish filling the entire apartment. Without a word, Yuki set the table, fixing a plate for himself and Shuichi. Shuichi sat delightedly at the table, overflowing with pure, ungranulated bliss. He could be eating rocks but, so long as Yuki put it in front of him, Shuichi was pleased. Yuki was delighted, the warm feeling he had felt throughout the day still lingering.

"I guess we should seriously start packing after this, huh?" Shuichi said, picking up another piece of fish with his poised chopsticks.

"It'd be a good idea. We can finish everything up tomorrow and make sure everything is squared away with the flight. We'll have to go to bed early tomorrow." Yuki said, unimpressed with the notion of packing, wishing he could just fast forward to their arrival in Vermont. They would be leaving early Wednesday morning while it was still dark. They would have no time to waste tomorrow and certainly no time to fool around. The two men were both silently overcome with excitement.

Yuki stood and went to the kitchen to deposit his dishes into the sink, rinsing them and leaving them to be cleaned later. He took Shuichi's dishes and did the same, clearing the table totally. Shuichi stood and waited for Yuki who stepped into the bathroom to take his pills. Together, they pulled their large suitcases from the hallway closet and returned to the bedroom to sift through and pack the clothes needed for the trip.

Shuichi knelt on the lacquered floor, pushing carelessly through his clothes, examining an article and tossing it back, unsatisfied. The packing process had always been a difficult task for the young man and normally took him hours to successfully pack for a short excursion. Packing for such a long trip was torture for him and he wore his anguish on his face. Yuki stood in the walk-in closet, peering over his shoulder to his frustrated lover. _There he is looking cute again…_ Yuki thought, unable to stamp out his temptations. He snuck out of the closet and behind Shuichi who was heavily distracted by his underwear drawer. Quickly and suddenly, Yuki knelt down behind Shu and scooped him up in his arms. The abrupt movement caused them both to teeter and fall backward, Shuichi livid for having been attacked in such a manner twice in one day.

"What are you doing, Yuki?" he said, flipping over and kneeling above Yuki who still lay splayed out on the floor, smiling contagiously. "Why are you smiling? It's almost midnight and we're not even close to being done with packing! Try to focus, will you!" Shuichi scolded, turning to get up but Yuki caught his arm. Startled, Shuichi stopped and looked back.

"I never have been able to make a deadline." Yuki said coolly, his lips still curled into a nonchalant grin. He propped himself up on his elbow, taking Shuichi's rouged face in his hand and drawing him close. _What is with him today?_ Shuichi thought to himself as he indulged in yet another one of Yuki's indomitable kisses. _Yuki would typically find any excuse to avoid being nice…normally he'd pick doing work over me…Is it real? Is this real?_

Without a moment's notice, Yuki flipped over, reversing positions with Shuichi and pinning him to the chilly floor by his thin wrists. Yuki hovered over Shuichi on his hands and knees, stealing another kiss as he reached a devious hand downward, forcing Shuichi's pants off his waist. Yuki slid his own jeans off his waist, not removing them completely. His body was voracious; he just couldn't wait. Yuki kept Shuichi caught by the wrists, keeping his curved body around him, sheltering him, the light behind him crowing his golden hair giving him a heavenly look as Shuichi peered at him from the bedroom floor.

Before entering Shuichi, Yuki gave him one last sentimental look, holding the gaze for what felt like an eon. Shuichi let out an excited gasp as Yuki satiated his undying need to have Shuichi over and over again. He wrapped his legs around Yuki's busy body, reaching his hands up to clutch his tensed forearms. Shuichi could feel the movement of his back against the cold, dry wood; his hot, perspiring body clinging, as if it had been rubberized, against the surface. His fingers dug harder and harder into Yuki's arms as Yuki took him with more force, causing Shuichi to cry out; fresh tears littering the floor. The pain from Shuichi's solid fingers only coaxed Yuki to move faster and harder, grunting and breathing deeply with the exertion of his built frame. Yuki escaped Shuichi's death grip, bringing a hand down and stroking Shuichi's pulsing erection in time with his own heaving movements. Shuichi held his breath, trying hard to suppress himself from coming too soon, trying to let the pleasure live on. But, it was to no avail and soon Shuichi came, letting out his pent up breath with a loud moan of bliss, his seed shot across his own body making a mess of his askew shirt. Not long after Yuki came as well, releasing his load into Shuichi's inviting body once more and pulling out quickly, exhausted.

"Yuki…" Shuichi uttered between breaths, picking himself off the floor and sitting on the bed, wrestling to get his shirt off. Yuki stood, fixing himself and giving Shuichi a quizative look. The words lingered on Shuichi's lips but he thought it best not to question Yuki's behavior. At this point, there was no need to. He knew the answer and it was simple; Yuki had recovered. It was absolutely concrete and irrefutable. Shuichi shook his head and shot him a smile. Shuichi put his head between his arms, his eyes welling up with the feeling of disbelief. This is what he had been fighting for and, now that he had attained it, he didn't know what to do or how to feel.

"Come on." Yuki said, lending a hand and bringing Shuichi to his feet. "We've got to finish packing our clothes, at least." And, as if nothing had happened, the two returned to work, packing their separate suitcases in relative silence, both dreary and tired from a long, passionate day.

* * *

"I'm going to go get some things from the study." Yuki said. "How are you getting along?" It had been nearly an hour since they returned to their packing. Yuki had finished getting his clothes together and hoping to chip away at the other necessities that he knew Shuichi wouldn't think of. Shuichi was three-quarters done with his clothes, already over –packing but desperate to fit as many outfits as he could in his suitcase fearing the ice cold of Vermont.

"I think I'm doing alright…What do you think?" Shuichi said, looking to Yuki for advice.

"I think you have enough. Why don't you get some sleep? I'll be in in a minute. We'll take care of the rest tomorrow." Yuki said, making his way for the door.

"Wait!" Shuichi exclaimed suddenly, unsure of whether or not he would regret what he was about to ask. "Was today for real? Or…or are you just playing with me?" Although Shuichi wanted so hard to believe that Yuki was sincere in his actions, he couldn't help but live under a shadow of doubt. At this point, Shuichi had come to expect Yuki to get his hopes up with the intention of smashing them. He was afraid; afraid that this was just another trick. Hiro's warning came to mind as he waited for Yuki's answer. Yuki strode across the room, his brows furrowed and his face suddenly serious. He stopped directly in front of Shuichi who stared, frightened and unsure of what was to come. His anticipation was answered as he felt a quick, sharp sting across his cheek. His hand instantly came up and cradled his reddened cheek, looking at Yuki with surprise.

"And you wonder why I don't show you any compassion. Do me a favour and keep your stupid doubts to yourself." That was all Yuki said before exiting the room, leaving Shuichi who continued to stare at the doorway long after Yuki had left. He quickly flipped the lights off and through the heavy comforter over his head, a new team of tears staining his white pillow. _I knew I shouldn't have said anything…Great…I ruined everything…now he hates me…Fuck..._ Shuichi's mind raced in regret as he slowly fell into a melancholy state of sleep.

* * *

In the adjacent room Yuki sat at his desk, his forehead in the palm of his hand. _I may have changed but he's just the same._ Yuki thought disappointedly. _Stupid piece of shit brat always does this anytime I get close to him. He always has to question my motives. When will he learn…?_ Yuki flipped through the papers on his desk, unmotivated to do much else. Most of it was drafts of his most recent book; scribbles, cross-outs, and corrections littering the printed pages. Then Yuki came across a folded piece of memo paper. Curious, he unfolded the paper. It was the old note from Shuichi a couple weeks back, the first night he started taking his medication. Shuichi didn't question him then. The night had been perfect for the both of them, the night preserved by their mutual silence. Yuki smiled at the memory, wishing Shuichi would be so careless as to not let his doubts be so easily uncovered. He slipped the paper into his wallet, rationalizing that Shuichi had every right to feel the way he did given the past hardships of their relationship. But, he and Yuki were both sure of his full recovery. Shuichi had no need for such doubt, so why did he? The notion kept Yuki awake, his pensiveness causing him to be inactive.

After a long bout of thought, Yuki stood, not completing what he had originally intended. He tried to keep himself calm, not letting his anger get the best of him but he couldn't help but allow Shuichi's naïve doubts affect him. Nevertheless, he knew this was not what they needed and he knew that he loved Shuichi no matter what he thought. Now he had to prove himself. _He probably thinks I hate him…_Yuki thought, remembering his poisonous slap. Yuki erased these thoughts from his head as he slyly lowered himself into bed next to Shuichi who was already fast asleep. _Only one more day until the trip; then we'll start anew._ Yuki tried to keep positive as he laid his head to rest but the conflict in his heart remained well into the night without any indication of easing up or any sign of letting Yuki live his life as he intended.

**THANK YOU FOR READING AND MUCH LOVE TO YOU!**

_To be continued... _


	10. Until the End of December

Disclaimer: All rights to characters go to Murakami.  
Author's Note: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry! I really mean it m(_ _)m There is no excuse for such a time gap between chapters but I did not and will not let this story die so, please! Don't worry! I hate to make excuses but the end of the semester was very busy for me. Then, after finals, I got very caught up with work and Christmas time. I had no time to write anything. And, even now that I have something written, I'm not confident in how good the content is...UGH! I'm sorry! I'm just so conflicted but it can only get better from here since I'm on winter break. Again, I'm sorry. But, thank you loyal readers for your patience. I'll try not to do it again.  
Anyways, this chapter...I don't know...I wrote it in such weird intervals of time. I hope it will hold you over until I put up the next one. Good news, though! I have FINALLY put them in fucking Vermont! Took long enough, right XD Ok well, please read and enjoy and, once more, I am so sorry for the delay. Hope you all had a lovely Christmas!

The next morning dragged on invariably and emotionlessly; the fiery passion the couple that had been felt over the course of the past few days almost completely fizzled out and things had returned to normal. Shuichi did his best to avoid Yuki, afraid of setting his pent up anger aflame and wanting only to be civil with him. Shuichi thought that maybe, if he was quiet and submissive enough, Yuki might come to him and ask what was the matter or at least let last night's question blow over with out being too mad. This wasn't Shu's typical style which normally consisted of whining and crying until he got an answer of whether or not Yuki hated him. He hoped that this change in approach would lure Yuki in but, so far, it hadn't, his fantasy growing more and more wild as he had time to think as he packed mindlessly. The only benefit to their mutual silence was Shuichi's motivation to work. Along with keeping his mouth shut, Shuichi thought that if he worked diligently and got his packing done early, Yuki might be impressed and maybe even compliment him on a job well done. With that in mind, Shuichi pressed on with the mundane task.

Yuki had already finished packing all of the liquids properly for their trip to the USA, succumbing to the ridiculous regulations of how one should pack liquids. Shampoo, soap, and even tooth paste had to be put in a gallon sized zip lock back if it were to be taken on with carry on luggage, which would save room in Yuki's regular luggage. Nevertheless, Yuki had cleared out the bathroom of all the things they would need over the two weeks. He wouldn't pack his pills until that night when he would take his last two before bed. He left them on the kitchen counter as a reminder.

Throughout this process, Shuichi did not even cross his mind. His silence made him seem invisible and his presence was almost unknown to Yuki. Although Yuki realized this was his doing, he couldn't find it in him to apologize. _Maybe I really didn't change after all…_he thought, an eerie feeling slowly growing in his gut. This feeling was familiar; he had felt it before. It was the same feeling he gotten a week before during his terrible nightmares and mental breakdowns. He threw his hands up, clutching his head between them, a violent headache stirring at his temples, pinching and biting at the inside of his head. If he didn't know any better, Yuki would have sworn that his brain was being melted with acid, boiling slowly into a bubbling pool of pain in the bottom of his skull.

_Where is Shuichi anyways? _Yuki thought, his eyes darting, frantically scanning the room for any traces of Shuichi's presence. _He's here, right? He's got to be here._ Yuki tried to stand but the pain in his head brought him down like a wild animal being ruthlessly poached. The room was like an oven cooking Yuki alive and blurring his vision, the smoke of his burning, fizzling mind blinding him as he dropped to the floor, groping at his clothes and forcing them off, tossing his sweat drenched t-shirt aimlessly to the side. The room was inescapable and the heat was consuming Yuki, his mind totally void of any thoughts but his body pushing on, looking for the one thing that could bring reality back.

Sweat accumulated on Yuki's forehead as he squirmed on the floor, reaching out for Shuichi but he wasn't there to answer Yuki's begging hand. He tried to call out but his throat was dry, closing up at any effort of speaking. Desperate to get to his feet, Yuki grabbed the coffee table, putting all his weight on it as he lifted himself up, fighting through the pain that grew stronger and stronger in his head. The pressure of his full weight caused the feeble table to tip and smash to the floor, bringing Yuki down with it. Yuki writhed in pain, clutching his body, his mind becoming more and more paranoid. Like a child, Yuki poked his head out from under his folded arms, his eyes fixated on the corner of the living room. There waited the figure of a person, a complete shadow with the glowing eyes, staring at him, waiting. Yuki couldn't break his gaze with the figure and, as he stared, the shadow multiplied. More and more shadow people stood waiting in the room, waiting for the chance to take Yuki's body and do what they would with it. The room had warped, the paint pealing off the walls exposing the throbbing flesh of the building, blood spilling onto the floor. There were hundreds of thousands of newly hatched spider crawling from the veins of the hideous building's exposed flesh, covering the shadow people as well as Yuki. Yuki tried his best to wipe them away, to rid his skin of the horrible tickling sensation of the spider's miniscule leg marching across his body. He squeezed his eyes shut, keeping the image of the approaching shadow people out of his sight, their fingers, like knives, caressing his faces, cutting it cleanly. As suddenly as he had fallen into the shadows, he was brought into the light by Shuichi who dashed out of the bedroom at the sound of Yuki crashing to the ground.

"Yuki! YUKI!" Shuichi called out, taking Yuki by the shoulders and shaking him violently. "Yuki! Wake up!" Yuki slowly opened his clenched eyes; the image of Shuichi's face flushed with concern staring back it him. He lifted himself into a sitting position, putting his head in his hands. "Yu…Yuki? Are you alright? What happened?" Shuichi's words came slowly, sinking into the quicksand of Yuki's frantic mind. Yuki looked up at Shuichi who sat across from him on the living room floor, his eyes trying to suppress the fat tears waiting on the brim of his eyelids. Shuichi looked at Yuki's clearly shaken state, nothing else mattering but Yuki's well being. Yuki's harsh words voluntarily slipped from Shuichi's mind as he reached out and drew Yuki close.

"It's ok, Yuki." Shuichi said, blushing as he held Yuki, feeling his hot tears scatter across his shoulder. "Can you tell me…what's happening?"

"I…" Yuki's response came as hesitantly as the question presented, not knowing fully himself what happened but feeling an unmatched comfort in Shuichi's arms. "I just didn't know where you were." Yuki breathed deeply, inhaling sharply, trying to regain control and feeling immensely vulnerable. "I didn't know where you went and…I just…wanted to find you."

"What do you mean?" Yuki's answer didn't help clarify at all leaving Shuichi even more confused. "I never left. I was in the room all along. You could have just called for me if you needed me for something."

Yuki wiggled out of Shuichi's embrace becoming more and more agitated by his lover's ignorance. "What don't you understand?" Yuki said, taking a stern tone. "I just didn't know where you were and that was it. I tripped on the coffee table and…that's it." Yuki put up his defenses realizing how little sense he was making but how could explain the things he saw or how he felt in those few long minutes? _I just need to act normal and everything will be ok. He's overreacting. What happened…was nothing…Just one little loophole in my recovery…it's bound to happen; I'm not perfect yet. Everything is fine._ Convinced, Yuki got to his feet, wiping the remaining tear tracks from his face.

"Are you sure you're ok, Yuki? You look like a mess and you ripped all your clothes off. Why would you have to do that if you were-"

"I told you I'm fine!" Yuki sharply interrupted. Shuichi stayed frozen, kneeling on the floor, staring up at Yuki. Something seemed different about Yuki's combativeness. It was clear to Shuichi that Yuki was hiding something but it seemed desperate, hopeless as if Yuki was embarrassed of his own weak mind and anxious for Shuichi not to find out. Shuichi got to his feet and looked at Yuki a second more before breaking the silence.

"If you want to talk, Yuki, I'm here, ok? And I'm not leaving you." Shuichi's tone was absolute, yearning to reach out and comfort his distressed lover but knowing that it was better to keep his distance; to wait for Yuki to be ready to talk and not push him. Without another word, Shuichi began to walk off and finish his last minute packing but Yuki swiftly grasped him by the arm, his head down and his grip loose, his lips slightly parted as he tried to speak but the words clung in his throat and he quickly gave up, releasing Shuichi. He turned away and began packing the small things they would need on their trip, his mind temporarily at ease by Shuichi's presence. Shuichi walked back to the bedroom, looking back with a worried expression. Now he couldn't tell what Yuki was feeling or if he was still mad at him or not but, nevertheless, he still needed his help. Shuichi quickly finished up packing and sat in the living room watching television solemnly, letting his presence be known. The silence between them made him feel uneasy but Yuki was in such a tender state that he dare not speak his mind.

* * *

After a few minutes, the apartment was so quiet that Shuichi couldn't help but glance over his shoulder. He could hear no movement, no zipping of luggage, and no shuffling of items. Shuichi saw Yuki standing in the kitchen, the lights turned off, the three-fourths empty glass sitting idly beside his had. Yuki's head was down, his face unable to be seen, his arms gripping the countertop, his shoulders tense. Shuichi could hear over the television the sounds of Yuki's labored breaths but he could not piece together what was happening to him.

"Are you finished packing?" Shuichi asked from the living room, staring at the devastation standing firmly in the kitchen. After a moment of silence, Shuichi stood and asked again but still no answer. He flipped the light to the kitchen on and stood beside Yuki, laying a hesitant hand on his tensed shoulder. Yuki's head quickly dashed to meet Shuichi's confused peer.

"Don't forget to pack you medication." Shuichi said, continuing to look at Yuki, searching for an answer in his mysterious eyes. For a moment, they seemed dead. Something about those brilliant, moist orbs seemed dark and ominous but only for a moment before Yuki moved out of his tense state and answered.

"I won't. It's the last thing to pack." He said robotically.

"Yuki…" Shuichi said looking after Yuki who was zipping his pills in a zip-lock bag and placing them in his carry-on. Yuki grunted, signaling Shuichi to finish his thought. "Are you sure you don't want to talk about what happened today?"

"If I have to tell you I'm fine one more time, I'm going to beat your ass. Don't worry; it was nothing." Yuki said unconvincingly.

Shuichi's lips formed a disquieted frown. "I just want to help you…" he muttered.

Yuki abruptly turned around in a rage, every muscle in his body enveloped in hot anger, his fists tightly clenched as his long strides brought him to Shuichi who remained in the kitchen, looking out unto the apartment.

"I swear, if you don't want to get killed then please shut up. I'm going to tell you once more and ONLY once more that I'm fine. I told you what happened and that's it. So drop it or you'll be dead before tomorrow, understand? Dimwit?"

Shuichi tried hard to suppress his own anger not wanting to get on Yuki's bad side but he couldn't help but feel like something was very wrong. He couldn't let the feeling pass. He pressed on even further.

"You can lie to yourself all you want but I know there is something wrong and you're just keeping it from me. Is it so wrong that I want to help you, Yuki?" The seconds ticked by as years, the room feeling like a fiery cauldron filled with a boiling soup of rotting corpses, the air thick as pudding. The heat quickly rose to Yuki's face and coursed through his body. Blinded in anger, he moved slowly toward Shuichi. With each move from Yuki, Shuichi stepped backward until he was cornered between the wall and the refrigerator. As a last ditch effort, Shuichi tried to push past Yuki knowing danger was imminent but Yuki caught him instantly, throwing him back into the wall causing the fridge to shake and the clutter that sat atop it to fall. Shuichi was hesitant to look up, keeping his eyes to the ground and treating Yuki like an animal in a newly aggravated state. Yuki kept his bulging eyes on Shuichi but saw nothing at all. His mind was lost in fury, his own conscious state swept up from under his feet leaving him blank and maniacal. His thought processes stopped completely and his body functioned on instinct alone.

Although Shuichi felt that there was no grounds for him to be apologizing, he just wanted this nightmare to end. His eyes still to the ground, he began to apologize, apologize for being a good lover and apologizing for trying to help.

"Yuki, I didn't mean to offend you. I'm sure you're right. It's not my place to question you. I'm sorry. Now, can you please let go." Shuichi winced at his own words, unable to believe that he was apologizing for nothing. Now more than ever he felt like nothing more than Yuki's pet, under his complete control no matter how wrong he was. But, even with the forced apology, Yuki would not back up. Unsure of what to do, Shuichi simple stood there, feeling his glare as Yuki remained hovering, cornering Shuichi and pinning him against the wall. It took all of Shuichi's strength to retain his own pent up anger and, after a few long minutes, he couldn't take it anymore. The tears he tried so hard to repress quickly penetrated the barrier of his eyelids and splashed to the cold kitchen tiles. Finally, Shuichi lifted his face and showed his hurt, distressed expression to Yuki but Yuki didn't budge; he was so fully detached from the reality standing right in front of him.

Shuichi clenched his fist, deciding whether or not he should try to escape this human cage or whether he should continue to wait it out. He stood thinking just a bit longer, letting the scattered tears multiply on the kitchen floor but, before he could make an honest decision, his fist answered for him. Without much range for a proper wind up, Shuichi's punch into Yuki's jaw was fairly weak but strong enough to snap Yuki out of his blinding rage. As Shuichi sulked to the floor, Yuki stepped back, cradling his jaw, surprised at his surroundings and the state of his riled up little lover. Looking around curiously as if he had just woken up, Yuki stared at the mess strewn across the white tiles and wondered how long he had been out. _What the fuck just happened? Don't tell me this shit is starting up again._ Yuki remembered just last week when these episodes came commonly, close to everyday; large chunks of time simply forgotten and lost a horrific, vivid nightmares and daydreams that consumed him. He thought they had all ceased after their stay in Osaka but was he mistaken?

After a moment of pensiveness on the floor, Shuichi stood up and dashed to the bedroom, uninterested in anything Yuki had to say. For all Shuichi was concerned, the trip was ruined before it had even started. What he thought was bliss was already crashing down on him. And, even though he still didn't have the strength enough to say it, he knew the reason for this behavior. How long would he allow himself to suffer before taking action? How long would he pretend to be happy? How long would he force himself to please Yuki just to avoid episodes like this? How long was Shuichi willing to be his dog? It scared Shuichi to think this way but, something in the back of his mind told him that he would do this forever. Too afraid to leave Yuki alone and broken and too scared to break the fatal attraction that forever bound him to Yuki, Shuichi decided to do his best to ease his pains and keep on pretending. But not forever.

Shuichi threw himself into bed and hid himself under the heavy comforter, the warmth of the covers pressing down on his small, fragile body, still heaving with tears as he snuggled close to the cold pillows. _That's exactly what Yuki wants…for me to wait my entire life for him to get better…He knows exactly what he's doing and he has an excuse to abuse me but I'm not going to wait forever. I'll give him to the end of the year and if he's still like this, I'll leave him…for good._ Confirming the unsettling thought in his head, Shuichi turned over in bed, lying on his side. Just as he was succumbing to his forced sleepy state, he heard Yuki enter the room.

"Shuichi?" Yuki whispered, unsure if Shuichi was still awake or not. _Fuck! _Shuichi thought to himself, deciding quickly whether or not he should answer.

"What?" Shuichi answered reluctantly with hopes of a sappy apology on Yuki's part, his typical fantasies running wild in his innocent head.

"Are you going to bed?"

"That's what you want to ask?" Shuichi said with a tone of sarcasm. "Isn't it obvious?" Shuichi inhaled sharply as his infamous tears returned. His body trembled as he tried to keep quiet, wishing he could fall asleep and never wake up, to leave this nightmare behind.

"Well…" Yuki began, picking his words carefully, still not fully aware of what happened or why. "Our trip is tomorrow so, it's probably a good idea…" Yuki sighed at his own stubbornness, yearning to apologize but completely unable.

"I know…" Shuichi said, his voice wavering. He squeezed his eyes shut, desperate to force sleep upon himself and forget the nuisance Yuki had become.

"Shuichi…" Yuki said placing his hot hand on Shuichi's quivering shoulder. The moon shown brightly on them, the city lights destroying the stars. The moon hung alone in the dark sky, showing its face to the humanity below. Yuki looked to the moon for an answer, the mythical feeling many felt toward the moon radiating out but Yuki could not hear the answer. Not even the celestial guardian of the night could guide his way and yet he could not find the path on his own. He sighed deeply, shutting the curtain, becoming alone as the moon in the light-polluted city. _We can't sleep like this…I have to say something…_Yuki thought, coaxing himself to say the words his mouth refused to utter.

"Shu-Shuichi…Since we leave tomorrow…And, it'll be Christmas…Well, I don't want something like this to prevent us from having the time of our lives…Ok? I…"

"Don't say it if you don't mean it." Shuichi stopped him before he could utter those irretractable words, feeling the emptiness behind them. "Let's just forget it, Ok? We'll leave tomorrow and have a good time, don't worry. We'll leave home behind." Shuichi said, hardly convincing himself. Yuki could still sense Shuichi's frustration but, desperate to leave it all behind, he accepted Shuichi's uncertain words.

"Goodnight, Shuichi." Yuki snuggled into the covers on the opposite side of the bed, frustrated himself. He wanted so badly to take Shuichi up in his arms and go back to the way things used to be but he couldn't. Now he couldn't. He was bound by his own unpredictable actions and he paid the price. Shuichi was more distant than ever; Yuki felt it now more than ever, the area between them in bed putting galaxies between them, the gravitational pull between them completely lost in the blackness of space. _If only I could stop these outbreaks, we would have some hope for this recovery…_Yuki pushed the disturbing thoughts out of his head and forced himself to sleep, feeling very conflicted and alone. Shuichi lie on the other side of the bed, feeling much the same, his lover even more untouchable than ever before. _By the end of December…I'll know my answer…_His eyes pushed out their last tears for the night before sleep overtook him.

* * *

Tokyo's sky still shown dark when the alarm clock buzzed loudly, startling Yuki awake. Their flight was at 6 AM but, to have ample preparation time, Yuki had planned to wake up at 3. Instead of hitting the snooze like he normally would, he sat up on the edge of the bed, rubbing his sleepy face as he tried to wake up, the thoughts of the night still floating around in his troubled head. Although his sleep was undisturbed, he couldn't help but feel the emptiness beside him. It was as if Shuichi purposely pushed himself to the complete opposite side of the bed, avoiding Yuki at all costs even in his sleep.

Yuki looked over at Shuichi who was still sleeping, breathing gently through his parted lips. A horrible weight of guilt pressed down on Yuki's perplexed heart. Shuichi had done nothing but love Yuki from the very day they met and, through it all, Shuichi had never given up; giving everything he had to offer to the insensitive, uncaring man. Yuki felt that guilt looking down at the bundle of dreams and hope that lie before him. _I can't disappoint him on this trip…that would just be the icing on the cake…_Yuki thought. _Everyone has a breaking point…it's just a matter of time until he reaches his. How long will he wait? That's it…this Christmas I'm going to quit fucking around and show him exactly how I feel._

Giving Shuichi's sleeping face one last look, he got up and took a shower, allowing Shuichi to sleep in just a little longer. While in the shower, Yuki thought long and hard, somewhat stressed by the thought of the trip. The last thing he wanted to do was ruin Christmas for Shuichi. He always hated to see Shuichi sad especially around this time of year. Shuichi loved Christmas so much; Yuki had to be on his best behavior if he had any hopes of winning back Shuichi's heart and getting married someday. After his short, relaxing shower, Yuki felt a new wave of confidence wash over him. No matter how corny or unnatural it felt, Yuki would try his best to treat Shuichi the way he deserved to be treated. Determined, he gulped down a quick breakfast and choked down his pills before going back into the bedroom to wake Shuichi.

The door creaked softly open as Yuki tip-toed in, letting a slice of light shine in from the living room. A refined, sharp slice cut into Shuichi's dormant face, his radiant skin beaming in the sliver of artificial light. Yuki snuck up beside the bed, admiring Shuichi's cherubic face. His limber fingers ruffled Shuichi's warm pink hair as Yuki brought his face in for a kiss so soft, not even the finest cashmere could compare. He held his lips on Shuichi's until his eyes fluttered open.

Shuichi kissed back, resenting his actions but overtaken by the overwhelming lust that still lingered between them. _No use in letting yesterday mar today…_Shuichi thought, justifying his feelings.

"Good morning." Yuki whispered. "Are you taking a shower?" Yuki broke the gaze and went to his dresser, picking out the clothes he would wear for the day, still in the dark.

"What time is it?" Shuichi asked, the sheer darkness of the room deceiving the time.

"We should leave in about an hour so, you've got time to go take one if you wanted." Yuki answered, tugging his shirt over his damp head, opting for something comfortable and uncharacteristic. The plane ride would be over 10 hours; Yuki didn't care whether or not he looked his part.

While Shuichi showered, Yuki went through their luggage making sure everything was there. Finding that everything was in its rightful place, he went to his study to kiss his things goodbye for the next 2 weeks. He organized his papers and as he did, a tiny folded piece of paper dropped to the floor. Recognizing it immediately, he refolded it and stuck it in his pocket, remembering the night that seemed so far off in the past; the most perfect night lovers could ask for; no animosity, no bickering, just absolute bliss. _We will relive that night._ Yuki thought, standing as he heard Shuichi shut the water off in the shower.

As Shuichi finished getting ready, Yuki fished through the paperwork they would need for their flight, triple checking that everything was there and ready, hoping beyond hope for a seamless flight to the snowy, mountainous cabin waiting for them in Vermont. Without a word, Shuichi threw on his new coat and waited by the door with his luggage while Yuki gathered up his things. Before exiting, Yuki stood, looking down at Shuichi, seeing the resentment still lingering in his tired eyes. _I really did it this time…_Yuki shook his head, brushing away the depressing, nervous thoughts that cluttered his mind.

"We have everything?" Shuichi asked, weary of being in the apartment, eagerly awaiting their descent.

"Yeah, sorry." Yuki muttered, finally making his move for the door. "The limo is probably waiting for us so, let's go."

The couple dragged their suitcases down to the sidewalk, city lights illuminating the sky in a dim, neon glow. The sun would not rise for another couple hours, the air retaining the frigidness of the moon, chilling them to the bone. Yuki lifted his face to the sky once more, looking at the lonely moon struggling in the pollution of man-made light, its own illumination greatly outnumbered. He sighed, his breath visible in the crisp winter air, slowly dissipating upward toward the lonely sky before accepting his seat in the limo.

* * *

The ride to the airport was silent and mundane; almost as glum as the flight there. The only thing that could brighten their flight was the subtle fact that everything had in fact gone according to plan but the weight of the tension was more than the two men could bear. Though they sat next to each other on the daunting flight, they were left to their own separate thoughts; Shuichi gazing out the window, growing more depressed as his submissive thoughts took over his malleable mind, his hope diminishing more and more as he thought of Yuki's repressive state. Was he so wrong to feel like there was some progress being made? For those few days after their big Osaka concert, it seemed to be true. But now…now it was back to what it had been. Yuki's unexplainable actions puzzled Shuichi. More than that, Yuki was beginning to scare him. It was no question at this point. Shuichi new the answer to this behavior but, if he was to voice it, who knows what consequences would wait for him. _December…_

Yuki sat, reading in the aisle seat of their first class arrangement or rather appearing to read. His mind anxiously wandered, worrying about various things. How could he make it up to Shuichi? What if he had another black out on the trip? What if he had one on the plane? Though Yuki was outwardly strong, uncaring and aloof, on the inside, he had many mental struggles between his relationship and his own mental wellness. Though he tried to settle his mind with a book, he couldn't help but feel anxious about the trip. This trip was supposed to be the best time of their lives and yet Yuki felt an ominous grey matter lingering between pure happiness and the façade. If he had any hopes of warming up and eventually having Shuichi for the rest of his life, he would have to win over his heart on this trip, this Christmas, without fail or else he felt that he might lose the most precious thing in his life a second time. This time, it was not an option. This time, he would stop being a coward hiding behind a stone wall and finally surrender to the feelings he knew to be true. He just needed his mind to hold out as long as the end of the month, the end of their vacation, and he would be in the clear.

Finally, after 12 long hours and two layovers, Yuki and Shuichi arrived in Burlington International Airport in South Burlington, Vermont. Although they were both horribly tired and anxious, the tension between them quickly faded as they stepped into the busy airport, the hustle and bustle of busy feet feeling very reminiscent of home but, through the massive glass walls, the couple could see the magnificence that lay before them, the radiant winter sun just setting in the states painting the picturesque scenery shades of purples and pinks, kissing the snow before moving to its next location in the world. Their tired eyes met, the mutual excitement quickly felt between them. They rushed to grab their luggage and stepped out into the cool mountain air, picking up their cab and heading toward their hidden cabin up in the snowy peaks of Vermont.

Shuichi and Yuki sat in the cramped cab, their luggage in the trunk, and their carry-ons in their laps. Shuichi stared excitedly out the window, watching the natural scenery pass endlessly. Yuki looked over at him, sensing his excitement and feeding from it, feeling warm at heart. No matter what the mutual feeling between them, though, they were still silent, still on edge. Yuki decided finally to take action. He reached out, slowly and unnoticed, until his big hands captured Shuichi's idle one. Shuichi gasped at the sudden touch, looking over to meet Yuki's beaming face, red hot from embarrassment. Shuichi smiled back, flipping his hand over and lacing his fingers in Yuki's, telling him without words that he felt the same. Both were too tired to speak but the small gesture was all the reassurance any of them needed. They looked their separate ways, admiring the vastness of the forest and snow surrounding them, but stayed linked the entire ride until they finally arrived at their destination, the cabin that would decide their fate.

**Thank you for reading and so much love!**

_To be continued... _


	11. Cry for Help

Disclaimer: Ya'll should know by now that Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami.  
Author's Note: Late again. But, I think you guys are getting used to it! Haha! Anyways, a mix of writer's block and a social life has made this delay possible. What I busy break I've had...Between Christmas and my birthday, I've had my fill of plans. But, as promised, I would never give up on this story. I'm determined to finish for all my fans out there (however few you may be!) So, here it is! Chapter 11. It was fun to write this one. I hope you all enjoy it and thanks for your understanding. I can't promise that I'll be any more or less hasty with the next chapter but, keep a look out, folks!

The couple stepped out of the taxi and into the fresh open air, absorbing the organic beauty, looking out onto the small villages that lay nestled in the valley. The scene was much like a postcard; the brilliant white of the untouched snow, the deep natural viridescence of the wooly evergreens, cloudy puffs of smoke billowing from the neatly stacked brick fireplaces of the homes below. Yuki took the justice of removing the luggage from the trunk of the taxi as Shuichi stood in absolute awe of the beauty that was presented before him. The atmosphere alone was enough to bring hope back into Shuichi's heart although he could not forget his silent promise. His gaze quickly turned to the ground, his footprints scarring the once perfect snow. Shuichi didn't know why, but a small feeling of regret seeped into his optimism, his eyes still staring into the blinding white snow and the heavy footprints, wishing he could erase the small imprints, wishing unfold the postcard and regain the masterpiece.

Yuki stood next to the pile of luggage, watching the yellow taxi vanish behind the trees. Nothing could be heard here; the silence was startling. Standing here, not even the wind seemed to make a sound. Yuki reached his hand into his coat packet, retrieving a cigarette and lighting it, looking out on the horizon. The sun's last rays poked out from behind the mountaintops in the distance, bidding the sky farewell. The smoke of Yuki cigarette reached for the sky, chasing the last rays, dissipating before getting to close to its fantasy. Yuki turned his stare to Shuichi's cherried face and puzzled expression. Although the cold of the wind and snow cut through them like knives, there was an unmistakable warmth that could not be denied. Alone, the two of them; they had made it so far to be in this position, but a foreboding undertone hid beneath the warmth and amazement, strangling the life from such hope so long as they would allow.

"It's amazing, isn't it?" Yuki's soft voice broke the silence, his deep tone lingering for a second before returning to the depths of the cosmos. Shuichi heard the crunch of snow as Yuki took a step toward him but he dared not to miss the death of the day's last light. He raised his head, meeting the darkened sky as Yuki wrapped his heavy arm around Shuichi's shoulders, his padded coat adding to his warmth. "It's nothing like home…" Yuki took one last drag from his cigarette before flicking it into the frigid snow.

With those words, the two men stood, completely engulfed in the moment. Shuichi was too aware of his fluttering heart, the seconds ticking by almost becoming too much. _Let's just hope this lasts…so I can break my promise…Please just last…_Exhaustion mixed poorly with this overwhelming feeling of felicity doused with anxiety, Shuichi's tears sliding silently down his cold face leaving hot trails behind them. Shuichi praised the sky for such darkness as the day finally ran out, the moon taking its place amongst the stars, the specs of light from the village blending into the night sky. If they hadn't known better, Yuki and Shuichi might have guessed they were standing alone in the galaxy; just the two of them in the wide expanse of the universe, the fate of creation in the palm of their hands.

Yuki took his weight off Shuichi, returning to where the luggage sat and retrieving the key to the cabin from his pocket. He dragged as much luggage as he could handle up the wooden steps leading to an expansive patio which wrapped around the cabin. Shuichi broke his mystic state of mind and grabbed the rest of the suitcases from the driveway, struggling to take them up the stair. Yuki fumbled with the key, slowly opening the door and dropping their things in the foyer. He flipped the light exposing the interior of the private cabin. Upon walking in, one was met with a large foyer which branched off into the kitchen. Past the kitchen was a large open dining room with a spacious entertainment room adjacent to it. Branching from the foyer was a guest bedroom. Once into the entertainment room, one would find stairs leading up into two large bedrooms and a full sized bathroom complete with shower, bath, and jacuzzi. The interior of the cabin was strictly wood; a dark rustic colour that gave a warm, old fashioned feeling. A large, intricate oriental rug dressed the living room floor. From the living room, there was a large slider leading to the back patio looking out onto the snowy forest. The lighting was dim but there were many lamps scattered through the cabin if one sought more light and plenty of windows to welcome in the natural sun.

After giving the cabin a thorough once over, Yuki and Shuichi hauled their luggage upstairs into one of the vacant rooms, throwing themselves onto the unbearably comfortable king sized bed that waited for them. Feeling dirty from the long plane ride and desperate to relax his still very anxious and tense nerves, Yuki began to undress himself, grabbing a towel from his bag and walking to the bathroom. Shuichi perked up.

"Taking a shower?" He asked, holding himself up by the elbows on the bed.

"I'm gonna hit the jacuzzi. Wanna join me?" Yuki responded, giving Shuichi a come hither look. Shuichi took a second to think but ultimately decided to break his pity party. _Leave our problems at home…_He nodded and stood up, throwing his clothes on the couch that sat against the wall in the room. He grabbed his towel and followed Yuki to the bathroom. It took a few minutes for the jacuzzi to fill; as they waited, they stood in silence, completely naked and vulnerable to each other. Still silent as the beginning of their trip, Shuichi shied his face away, the awkwardness, though thin, still present. They had been naked with each other plenty of times but this felt different to Shuichi. For him, it felt as if it was the first time all over again.

Once the jacuzzi was filled, Yuki took no time to jump in, sulking down into the steaming hot water, submerging his whole body and breathing deeply with contentment. Shuichi stood on the numbing tiles, looking at the water, contemplating his course of action.

"What are you waiting for?" Yuki questioned but before Shuichi could answer, he had him by the arm, dragging him forcefully into the hot water. Shuichi landed in the jacuzzi face first, frantically bringing up his head and coughing as he regained his composure.

"What the hell?" Shuichi demanded between his coughs. "I was coming in!" Yuki looked at Shuichi's ruffled face, trying hard to retain his amusement but failing. "Why are you laughing?" Shuichi frowned, hating himself for blushing at a time like this; no matter what the circumstances, Yuki's smile was irresistible.

"Lighten up! You've had that puss face on all day." Yuki said jovially, rustling Shuichi's wet hair. "This is what we've been waiting for, right?"

_He's going to try to make the first move…_Shuichi thought as he gazed at Yuki sitting directly across from him, close enough to lean in for a kiss. _Well, I'm not gonna let him. _Shuichi brought himself in close, wearing the same flustered expression, overcome with uncertainty as his face hovered close to Yuki's. Instead of accepting his lover's fitful kiss, Yuki gently took Shuichi by the shoulder and eased him off back to where he had been sitting.

"Listen. I know you're still thinking about what happened yesterday." Shuichi's look of astonishment brought home Yuki's suspicions, "I know you said you didn't want me to say it unless I meant it but… I do mean it. I'm…not really at the point yet where I can just speak my mind like you do but…I don't want you to think that I don't feel bad about what happened, ok?"

Shuichi sat in amazement, shocked by the sincerity in Yuki's voice. Though he hadn't planned on bringing the matter up again, it had been stuck in Shuichi's brain. If anything told Shuichi that Yuki was changing, this was it. He may have been over thinking it but, to Shuichi, this apology was no subtle thing. Yuki never apologized for anything, ever. Not only did he find the confidence to apologize to the likes of Shuichi, he was sitting there naked, completely unguarded, and unable to hide behind his many faces. Shuichi still didn't understand what these outbursts were but he didn't need to understand them anymore; Yuki was making an effort to make things right, to make the trip enjoyable. With this, Shuichi finally took initiative to do the same. He pushed up from the bottom of the jacuzzi, launching himself toward Yuki, draping his wet, slender arms around Yuki's neck. In the same instant, Shuichi took Yuki's lips up in a spellbound kiss, his inner light radiating uncontrollably as he let his mouth dance. Their lips separated but Shuichi moved his body in close, their skin gliding beneath the steaming waters. Shuichi kept his face close, his misty eyes staring into Yuki's, his lips curved into a permanent smile.

"I love you so much…" Shuichi uttered, so overcome by emotion that he couldn't think of anything more to say. Finally his worries were brushed aside; he could relax for the moment. But hidden in the back of his mind were the incidents leading up to this trip, to this point in their lives, as well as his promise to himself. It was impossible to forget those things but, when Yuki was like this, it was impossible to tame his wild passion. Nevertheless, Shuichi would remain cautious, thinking it best to treat Yuki normally unless something happened. Any change in demeanor might send Yuki over the edge. _We'll just carry on normally and hopefully we can make it through this…push through like we have every other time. _

Yuki responded to Shuichi's words with a long, tempting kiss, his lips still unable to form the words that Shuichi longed to hear. He drew Shuichi close to him, enabling him to move and keeping him as if he were his possession. The couple stayed cuddled, chatting about what they would do during their stay until the water turned cold. When they finally stepped out into the chilly air of the cabin, the effects of jet lag hit them and hard. Just before Yuki cashed in for the night, Shuichi caught his hand, demanding his attention. Yuki looked back with an inquiring look.

"Don't forget your pills…" Shuichi reminded, feeling guilty for doing so. Even though it seemed Yuki was in an improved state of mind at the moment, Shu couldn't help but feel the pills were the cause of all these problems. He felt even guiltier for thinking that way but, before the pills, Yuki had never acted as rashly as he had during the past couple of weeks. At this point, for Shuichi, it was more than just a hunch, but Yuki didn't see it yet. With this thought, Shuichi devised a mission: make Yuki realize the seed of his problem was this good-for-nothing medication. But he had to be clever; if he was too forward in telling him, the consequences could be lethal. _Yuki will be normal. So help me God, I will change Yuki back to his normal self._ Shuichi thought to himself, looking over as Yuki stuck his head under the faucet in the bathroom, getting water to drink down the pills. _With all his flaws…I'll bring him back._

_

* * *

_

Back in Tokyo it was already afternoon and the sun shown brightly over the busy city as it always had. The intense light of the orb burst into Dr. Tanaka's office as he leafed through the paperwork on his desk. The research on the new drug was turning in an eerie direction, many of the unknown problems coming to an ugly head. He had been receiving phone calls all morning from the research center, gaining more and more new and disturbing information about the development of the effects.

"We've already had to detain a patient for attacking one of our nurses here! None of our patients show any signs of improvement." The frantic voice came from the phone as Tanaka continued to leaf through his paperwork.

"Elaborate on that, please. What exactly do you see happening in these patients? I understand the violence but why do you think it's coming to be this way? I thought this drug was supposed to be close to finalization. So, what's the problem?" Tanaka said anxiously, looking through the names of the patients he had prescribed the drug to already.

"What we're finding is that the drug is reacting with the traits the patients are trying to eliminate as opposed to what they are trying to strengthen. The perfect example is with the violent types we have found here. If there is someone with a dual personalities and one of their personalities is violent or even just has traces of anger issues, the drug will react to that and…and…just turn them into an animal. There is no other way to describe it."

"Is that the only symptom you've been finding? Or is there something else strange? Have you been able to talk to the patients about their experiences?" Tanaka leaned back in his chair, rubbing his temples as he listened to the disappointing news.

"Many of the patients are very conscious that there is something wrong but they don't want to say anything about it. What I have heard or seen is that many of these patients black out completely when they are enraged and many of them participate in unusual, unexplainable behavior. But, when we try to talk to them about what is happening to them, it often turns violent. If there was anything I could compare this to, I would say it's much like what you would find in someone with a serious drug addiction." The researcher sighed thinking back on the experiences at the research clinic involving this drug. It was more like a psych ward than anything. No one could believe that the drug they were so confident in would take such a turn. Not only would they lose funding but they also might lose the wellbeing of the patients or even lives depending on the severity from patient to patient.

"What do you suggest we do about this?" Tanaka asked.

"The only thing we can do is to stop treatment immediately. We're still unsure if the patients will go into withdrawal but we are offering a recovery service for all those affected by this drug. Please, contact all the patients you have prescribed this to and get them off it immediately. There is nothing else we can do right now."

After hanging up with the researcher, Tanaka started contacting his patients, telling a loved one in the household of the current status and new information and what they should do to wean them off the drug. Eventually, he reached Eiri Yuki's name. When he called his phone, no one answered. Yuki's phone buzzed expectantly on the coffee table in his apartment. Tanaka sat puzzled. He tried the landline but still nothing. He gasped, the sudden realization startling him. _Yuki is overseas…alone with Shuichi…and taking 4 pills a day. This explains it…_

_

* * *

_

_The road was vast, the pavement a crumbled mess of tire-tracked snow. No cars came in either direction; whether it was fear of the storm or something else, Yuki couldn't tell. Perhaps they knew of the events to come but no one could say for sure. Or maybe time had stopped altogether and no one acknowledged the phenomena save the two young men whose fates would clash. Yuki pulled his car over, the distinction between the road and the rolling fields disappeared under the pillow of freshly fallen snow. The place was unfamiliar and quite, nothing at all like home. In any case, Yuki felt as if he knew the place but his discomfort persisted. He opened the door and stood in front of his beloved Mercedes, lighting a cigarette and leaning against the door. The sky was clear, the atmosphere unpolluted, the only light coming down from the moon and its flock of domesticated stars. The snow continued to fall, submitting to Earth's gravity and begging at Yuki's feet as the smoke from his cigarette reached for the heavens. The urge to continue waiting in the spot was overwhelmingly unexplainable but something told Yuki he needed to stay here, right here in the endless expanse of the road, the end of reality._

_ Off in the distance, a pair of headlights slowly approached on the flat terrain. Yuki didn't move, but shifted his eyes to the approaching vehicle. Was this what he had been waiting for? The amount of time it took for the car to approach felt as interminable as the scenery in which Yuki stood, as unknown as the sky. The only gauge of time was the time it took for Yuki's cigarette to ash and even then, Yuki couldn't tell. He took a deep drag, the embered tobacco glowing in the black night. It was a freezing night but Yuki felt nothing but warmth beneath his flesh, his light, black jacket sufficing. _

_ His wait finally ending, Yuki dropped his cigarette butt, crushing out the dying flame beneath his slick black shoe, putting it out of its misery, bringing it the salvation of a quick death. The car approached, the headlights blinding as it pulled up in front of Yuki and his Mercedes, the only two things in this white universe. The driver's door flung open but the driver was still not revealed, only a shadow behind the blinding, unnatural light. Car still running, the figure flung himself into the space between the car and Yuki. Now he could see; it was Shuichi. It was no mistake, the dumb, flustered expression, the glisten of his unnaturally pink hair, his misty eyes, and his childish stance. There was no mistake. Just seeing him made something unpleasant stir in Yuki's heart. Shuichi's faltering steps persisted, Yuki's expression unchanged. Yuki would not even grant the gift of acknowledgment as his overexcited partner approached him. _

_ "Yuki." Shuichi's breathless voice muttered. He stopped a few feet in front of Yuki, his brows furrowed upward in his classic concerned expression. "What are you doing here all alone? Come on, let's go back. Hurry, before you freeze to death out here."_

_ "I'm not going with you." Yuki responded flatly, his answer absolute. This was his world now, his reality. He wouldn't go back with the one person pulling him back into his depression. "I'm not going anywhere. This is where I belong. So get out of here." The silence fit the atmosphere as if time had truly stood still. Shuichi stood in disbelief, his eyes glued to his cold lover. _

_ "What are you talking about? You can't stay here!" Shuichi pleaded in desperation. "There's no way you can make it alone. You must come back with me." Shuichi moved forward, taking Yuki by the shoulders. Shuichi's hands were ice to Yuki's warmed exterior, the magma boiling further inside him but still, he did not move. _

_ "How many times do I have to tell you, I don't need you? I don't need anyone. This is where I'll stay. You'll forget me soon enough and I'll disappear. I don't need you or anyone else so get your hands off me and leave." Yuki said, looking down at Shuichi. His normally spectacular golden eyes now showed black, his face harder than diamonds, and his beauty fading behind the fog of his words. Shuichi's hand began to grope and burrow, anything to bring Yuki back. He tugged using all the force his small body could muster in an attempt to move Yuki himself but it was of no use; Yuki was not moving. Shuichi's efforts took Yuki closer and closer to the edge but he stood._

_ "YUKI! COME ON! STOP KIDDING AROUND! WE NEED TO GO!" Shuichi started to shout, his voice disturbing the balance of the white world, his face growing nearer to Yuki's. Shuichi pushed Yuki's back hard against his Mercedes, a familiar look of determination on his face. Yuki stood. The pressure of Shuichi's frozen hands felt like truck loads on Yuki's thinly protected chest, the heat from within dissipating as Shuichi persisted. He moved one leg between Yuki's, bringing his body impossibly close, his face centimeters away from Yuki's, his icy breath stinging his partner's face. Before he could come in for a kiss, Yuki thrust forward, knocking Shuichi to the snowy pavement. Disgusted with Shuichi's perseverance and desperation, Yuki planted his unforgiving foot hard on Shuichi's abdomen, knocking the wind out of him and keeping him down as he fished at his back pocket._

_ Shuichi's eyes glittered in the moonlight, his fearful tears melting the snow as they fell. "Yu…ki…" Shuichi said weakly, lifting his head and breathing hard, catching his breath from the sudden blow. Yuki placed another cigarette firmly between his teeth, lighting it and dragging on it slowly. His hand continued to fish in his back pocket, his eyes still nailed to Shuichi. Shuichi lie frozen on the ground, daring not to move in fear of another painful blow. Yuki's lips curled up into a curious smile as his fingers stroked the cold, smooth metal. Planning his course of action, Yuki stood frozen, his foot idle on Shuichi's stomach, his hand wrapped behind his back, the cigarette burning slowly and smoothly between the confines of his smiling lips. He took one last deep drag and flicked it into Shuichi's face, letting it burn instead of stomping it out. Instinctually, Shuichi's hands flew up, wiping the burning tobacco from his face. Just as Yuki had timed, his hand dashed from his back pocket revealing the gun that not even he knew was present and shot Shuichi hastily in his teary eyed face, then again and again all across his body until it was nothing more but a bullet encrusted corpse, completely faceless, nameless, nothing. _

_ Yuki looked down at the mess, the contrast of Shuichi's deep red blood on the pure white snow fascinating to Yuki. The close range shots scattered Shuichi's insides, bits and pieces freezing on top of the bloodied snow. Yuki knelt down and observed Shuichi's remains closely, the smell of blood the only thing present in the vacant world. At first his fingers teased Shuichi's stationary organs, the slippery rubber masses feeling unexpectedly pleasurable beneath his insulated skin, the warmth of Shuichi's life lingering and fading. Before long, Yuki began to pick up the pieces, trying to ease Shuichi's body up by what was thought to be his shoulders. But Yuki stopped, frozen by the sound of crunching snow behind him. It was distant at first but drew closer then stopped. He heard a thump on his car but he dare not turn around to meet what lurked behind him. He eased Shuichi's mutilated body down and knelt, staring out into the darkness, waiting. He heard the cock of a gun and the cold barrel resting on the back of his head. _

_ "I told you to come with me." The person whispered. Yuki took a sharp breath._

_ "How…how?" He stammered, recognizing the threatening voice. _

_ "This won't stop until you come with me. Just give up." The voice said peppered with sadistic joy. Yuki whipped his head around but as quickly as he had killed his prey, the prey killed him. In the milliseconds before the gun was fired, Yuki could see Shuichi's grinning face looking down at him from atop his Mercedes, the sound of the shot resonating endlessly in the vacancy._

Yuki jolted awake from his disturbed sleep, his body drenched in a cold sweat and his arms grabbing tightly around Shuichi who had already awoken. Though he clung to him, Yuki couldn't help but feel resentment. Out of embarrassment, Yuki quickly retracted his limbs and rolled over, looking up at the pastoral cuckoo clock that hung in the cabin's room. It was early considering the both of them still felt the subtle effects of the jetlag.

Shuichi stared at Yuki's back with concern, the feeling of his grip still lingering. Unsure of whether or not he should say anything, Shuichi sat up in the bed, flinging open the curtain of the window above their bed. The brisk winter sunlight burst into the room, hitting Yuki's dormant face. He squinted back his tired tears and rose, his back still to Shuichi. Without looking back, he began to get up but Shuichi stopped him, tugging like a child at the sleeve of his pajamas.

"Did you have a bad dream?" Shuichi asked innocently, trying his best not to sound like he was implying something deeper but Yuki couldn't be tricked.

"I told you not to worry about what was going on with me. Stop asking, you idiot. Do you want to piss me off?" Those words lingered in the room and Yuki slipped from Shuichi's grasp and made his way to the bathroom. From where he sat, Shuichi could hear Yuki use the bathroom and the sound of the water running in the faucet. A hot flash of dread washed over his body. _Pills again…_Shuichi felt guilty for being upset but he couldn't let go. He just couldn't bring himself to trust that pill after seeing Yuki transform into something he was not. But still, it was only the beginning of the trip, only the middle of December, and Shuichi was willing to give Yuki the chance he deserved to redeem himself for his recent actions.

Yuki stood in the bathroom, looking at his flushed face as he guzzled down his morning pills. _What on Earth? These dreams again?_ Yuki thought in disappointment. _Things are supposed to be getting better but I feel like I've gone a hundred paces back. This can't be right._ Among his vivid dreams, Yuki couldn't help but notice he could remember less and less of his days. Any time anger sparked within him, long periods of blackness followed. Not to mention the visions he would see during the day. Yuki cupped his hands under the sink and splashed the cool water on his burning face, snapping out of his thoughts and moving forward. _No use harping on the subject._

Yuki heard Shuichi's light footsteps tapping against the hard wood floor but ignored them, continuing to get ready and brushing his teeth in front of the bathroom mirror. Shuichi snaked his arms around Yuki from behind, resting his head on his back, trying to keep the Yuki he loved close.

"What are we doing today?" Shuichi asked.

"There's a snowmobile in the shed in the yard of this place." Yuki answered, taking his toothbrush out of his mouth and taking a moment to spit. "We'll ride it into town and pick up the rent-a-car. Then we have the rest of the day free." Shuichi let Yuki free to get dressed. Shuichi followed him in the room and decided to do the same.

"Hmm. Well, if you want, once we get the car, we can drive the snowmobile back and the head back into town. Explore a little. Find a mart and get something for the fridge." Shuichi suggested. He waited until he was done talking before he pulled his shirt over his head and went back to the bathroom to fix his bed-head.

"Sounds like a good idea." Yuki called after Shuichi unenthusiastically. No matter how impractical it seemed to Yuki, he couldn't shake his resentment. The impact of his dream seemed to be too much. He had done what he always did in those dreams; he killed Shuichi. But Shu had re-spawned and turned his back on the one he supposedly loved. Yuki didn't know why but it picked at his brain, the uneasy feeling refusing to leave his cortex.

After the two were finished primping themselves, they bundled up and went down to the shed a little ways in the yard. Yuki used the key and revealed a plethora of useful tools, the main one being the snowmobile. Tin barrels of gas stood in the shed ready for use in the snowmobile. Yuki took the justice of filling her up before putting the key in the ignition and easing her out. Once out into the snow, Shuichi hopped onto the back, pressing his marshmallow body against Yuki's and holding on tightly.

"Ready?" Yuki said, looking back. Shuichi stared at the snowy ground, immersed in thought. Irritated, Yuki elbowed him hard to get his attention. Shocked by the sudden blow, Shuichi looked up, gasping. "Ready?" Yuki asked again, sneering at Shuichi.

"I've _been_ ready." Shuichi sharply replied and they were off. Though small, the snowmobile was fast and, despite his current distaste for Yuki, Shuichi couldn't help but be scared enough to hold him in a death grip. They buzzed down the steep hill of their driveway and drove for many miles on snowy mountainous paths, snow kicking up behind them as they sped through the forest. When they reached the town, they parked the snowmobile and Yuki fished in his coat pockets for the map of the small village. Even though the village was small and homely, the cabins surrounding it were popular vacation spots and the village accommodated the needs of the vacationers. Unlike the city, it was easy to navigate and everything was relatively close to each other. It took no time for Yuki and Shuichi to locate the car rental building and it was equally as easy to fill out the paperwork.

Shuichi let Yuki deal with this business and wandered outside to look at the small but busy little village. It looked as if it was straight out of a story book, Shuichi could hardly believe he was standing in the middle of it. No matter what his status was with Yuki, Shuichi was determined to have a good time and enjoy what this beautiful town had to offer, even if it would be better to spend such times with Yuki. Shuichi sighed. _I need to stop feeling like it's his fault._ Shuichi thought, watching the villagers carry on with their simple lives, carefree smiles spread across their faces. _This trip was supposed to be about us…why does it feel like it's only separating us even more? Is there nothing I can do to turn this around? _Shuichi, feeling a little down on himself, returned into the building and met up with Yuki again right as the deal was being finished.

"You drive the car and lead the way back to the cabin. I'll follow behind in the snowmobile, okay?" Shuichi said, waiting for the key to the snowmobile.

"I'd rather just hitch it to the back and take it up." Yuki replied, going out the building.

"Wait! That doesn't make sense! Look at the car we have; it's not equipped to pull it back up!" Shuichi retorted, getting a little antsy at Yuki's mistrust. "What's the big deal?"

"Look, I don't trust you doing much of anything let alone driving a vehicle which my wallet is responsible for, ok? Just get in the car and stop making a scene, k? Brat?" Yuki said dryly, opening the driver's side door and popping the trunk in the hopes of finding bungee cords.

"Yuki!" Shu whined. "I'm perfectly capable. This car doesn't even have a place to hook anything. It makes more sense for me to-"

Before Shuichi could finish, Yuki grabbed him by the arm and pushed him back, pinning him against the icy metal of the car. "Like hell I'm taking orders from you. Get in the car and shut the fuck up if you know what's good for you." Yuki's eyes had the look of a madman, those empty eyes Shuichi had seen before. _He's not going to push me around this time._ Shuichi thought. With his vacant hand, Shuichi quickly snatched the key to the snowmobile and wriggled out of Yuki's grasp. He ran down the road to where the snowmobile sat parked and shoved the key into the ignition hurriedly, buzzing off before Yuki could catch up.

"That bastard!" Yuki said aloud, the peek of his anger reached. He ran back to the rental place and jumped into the car, starting it immediately and zooming off onto the plowed roads back to the cabin. Smartly, Shuichi had taken the way they had come through the paths between the trees, following their track back home. Without the worry of traffic signs or twists and turns, Shuichi beat Yuki back with a considerable amount of time and since he had the keys, he was able to get in the apartment and relax for a moment. Even so, he had a bad feeling about how Yuki would react when he got back. Still bundled, he sat on the couch and waited nervously until he could hear the crunching snow and motor of the car coming up the driveway. His muscles tensed. Yuki's hulking footsteps pounded on the wooden patio outside, the front door slammed open. Shuichi stood abruptly, looking toward the door like a deer in the headlights.

Yuki stammered in wearing nothing but is undershirt and jeans having completely stripped from the immense heat pouring out for the inside. Before he could get a word out, he dropped to the ground, kneeling in the foyer on all fours, watching as his hands trembled. His emotions took the best of him but he couldn't figure out which was flooding him. Everything came crashing in on him until he just didn't feel anything at all; not worry for Shuichi, not anger, not apathy, nothing. The emptiness took him to a place he had been once before.

Shuichi ran to the front door, gathering Yuki up in his arms, feeling his whole body quivering against his. _Not this again._ Shuichi remembered the attack he had not so long ago. He couldn't pinpoint the reason for these unexplainable attacks but he knew the root of the cause. _How long can we put up with this?_

"Yuki! Snap out of it" Shuichi shouted, shaking Yuki but he didn't respond. He just kept staring, his body hot and trembling. "Come on, Yuki! You're gonna be ok, alright? So snap out of it!" The wind blew hard in from the front door and even though he was bundled, Shuichi still felt the piercing cold and wondered how Yuki could stand to just sit there in only an undershirt. His tactics exhausted, Shuichi held Yuki, placing a hand on the back of his head and bringing it to his shoulder. After a moment, Shuichi could feel Yuki reach up with his juddering arms and grab at his back until his whole body went limp.

"Yuki?" Shuichi said, holding Yuki's body out in front of him. With all his strength Shuichi gathered Yuki up and placed him on the couch, checking his pulse to make sure he wasn't dead. _Between the jetlag and his breakdown, he's probably better off sleeping right now._ Shuichi thought as he rummaged through the cupboards, finding a zip lock back and filling it with ice to place on Yuki's burning forehead. _Well, looks like I'll go get groceries alone._ Shuichi wrote a quick not to Yuki explaining where he had gone and locked his passed out lover safe and sound before hopping on the snowmobile and dashing off into town.

* * *

Yuki woke slowly, taking in his surroundings as he did. Realizing he was back in the cabin, he then began to search for traces of Shuichi, immediately being greeted by the short note Shuichi had scrawled and left on the coffee table beside him. The not was direct, lacking the normal flowery obnoxious diction his notes normally carried. Yuki didn't care, tossing the note in the trash and taking a glass of water from the kitchen faucet. His head buzzed, a small but painful headache forming behind his forehead. He looked around; the apartment seemed normal. Yuki breathed a sigh of relief, thanking the gods that nothing violent had ensued. If he was being honest with himself, Yuki couldn't remember anything past taking the keys from the rental man and, even then, the events before that were a little fuzzy. It began to scare him more and more that he couldn't remember things that only happened a few hours ago and scared him even more that he couldn't control himself or his anger towards Shuichi.

Yuki sat back down on the couch, sipping religiously at his water. The cabin was eerily silent, nothing like back home. No matter how empty the apartment was, the busy city could always be heard, the sound of people comforting to Yuki. Now it felt like he was completely alone in the world, not even Shuichi by his side, and his mind started to play tricks on him again. He stared up at where the ceiling met the wall, trying hard to focus on the dark wood but unable to keep the merciless shadows from taking form. He closed his eyes but it didn't help; the feeling of tiny legs all over his body becoming more and more intense.

"Yuki? Are you awake?" Shuichi called out, breathing loudly as he dragged the groceries into the house.

"Yeah." Yuki called back, seemingly uninterested but inside he knew he was saved from another horrible vision, pulled back into the light. "Need help?" Yuki asked, seeing Shuichi struggle with the copious amount of bags.

"No, it's ok. You just rest." Shuichi said with a forced smile.

"I'm fine, Shuichi. I can carry a couple groceries." Yuki said with annoyance, his anger kicking up. Shuichi sighed. Nothing pleased him now; every little thing set him off.

"Ok, Yuki. I'm not trying to undermine you. If you want to help, start putting things in the fridge. There are only a couple bags left outside. I'll grab them." Shuichi looked up at Yuki before walking past him and going outside. Yuki sneered, uncovering the bags contents and putting them in the fridge. Again, the feeling of resentment was sparked in the depths of his soul.

After putting all the groceries away, the couple flopped onto the couch, both exhausted from the day's events. Yuki reached out for the remote to the TV but Shuichi stopped him abruptly.

"Listen, you need to tell me what is going on with you." Shuichi demanded, sick of having to deal with this non-sense on what was supposed to be the trip of a life time.

"I don't have to tell you shit and I'm not going to tell you again." Yuki said, cigarette dangling from his unsatisfied lips.

"Do you even know what happened today? Tell me, what's the last thing you remember before passing out?" Shuichi said, keeping Yuki's hand in his, urging him with a gentle squeeze, hoping to break through to him.

"Of course I remember what happened, asshole. Stop coming up with assumptions that something is wrong with _me_. You're the degenerate." Yuki said, his eyes growing stiff and cold again, a look Shuichi was well accustomed to by now. He knew he should back off the subject but he needed to know what was going on in Yuki's head.

"You know, you are supposed to be getting better but you are getting worse. It's becoming…it's…it's becoming hard to love you, Yuki." Shuichi's words faltered with his falling tears, his stern expression quickly turning to one of agony. "I…I don't know how many chances I can give you before…before I give up…and something tells me….you wouldn't…wouldn't even care." Shuichi hiccupped between words, his hands flying up to wipe away the legion of tears spilling onto his face. Although his expression was unchanged, the words drove deep into Yuki's heart affecting him astronomically. _He won't wait forever._

The pressure in the room was too much for Shuichi. He stood and ran to the door, flinging it open and slamming it shut again, sitting on the snowy porch and crying his heart out to the silent spirits of the forest. Shuichi felt lucky to be in such a serene place where no one could find him or judge him. He had a lot on his mind but he just let it flow, his hot tears leaving holes in the cold snow. He could hear Yuki inside, his footsteps lumbering toward the door. A spike of fear hit Shuichi as he remembered Yuki's animal like rage earlier in the day. He buried his head in his arms, his body quaking with the onslaught of tears that badgered at his eyes. He heard the creak of the heavy wooden door opening behind him, a breeze of warmth coming from inside as Yuki closed the door behind him. Without a word, Yuki took a seat next to Shuichi on the porch, nudging him. Shuichi looked up, his eyes swollen and wet, his face flushed, his nose looking like a little cherry on his rosy face. Yuki took a drag of his cigarette, looking up at the lazy sky, and reaching out his hand toward Shuichi. A tissue. The pure white material a subtle sign of Yuki's surrender.

"Come on. You'll catch a cold out here." Yuki said standing and extending a helping hand to Shuichi. Shuichi looked up, his face so innocent and trusting, taking his hand and pulling his drained body up. "I can't answer all your questions." Yuki said as the couple stood on the reticent porch. "I don't know the answers yet. Maybe you can help me." Yuki looked at Shuichi's messy face and watched as it transformed to the normal look of determination and passion. Shuichi nodded, dropping the subject after that and walking back in the cabin. They replaced themselves on the couch where they had begun and flipped the TV on. Shuichi couldn't understand any of the programs, all of them being in English, but he wasn't interested in television anyway. He had an even harder time understanding Yuki. _Help? It seems impossible…but…I have to try._ Shuichi's focus was solely on thinking of tactics to make Yuki realize his problem without getting killed in the process but he was too drained and sore from crying to continue these painful thoughts. He cocked his head back and closed his eyes, envisioning the vacation he had hoped for, the tears coming back at the thought of his harsh confession to Yuki.

Yuki shifted his eyes, peeking over in Shuichi's direction. He saw the pain on his face. Yuki shook his head, running his hand through his hair before reaching over and bringing Shuichi close. Shuichi nudged over on the couch to get closer to Yuki, nuzzling his head into Yuki's chest. His heartbeat was slow but reassuring. No matter what kind of beast Yuki turned into, he was still merely a human and Shuichi needed to bring him back. Uninterested in the TV, Shuichi closed his eyes, enveloping himself in the sound of Yuki's heart beating stoically beneath his ear. It didn't take long for him to fall asleep and soon Yuki joined him, both enjoying the warmth of each other's bodies as they shared a much needed sleep, the sun still clinging to the sky, shining on the couple as their minds picked apart the day's happenings and forming their dreams; the dreams that held a key.

**Thanks for reading! Love you my babies!**

_To be continued... _


	12. Excuses

Disclaimer: Yeah yeah yeah. Same old. I don't own anything.  
Author's Note: School has started once again and you know what that means! More delays! Haha! I think I'm doing pretty good time wise though but that could be because I've lost track of time. Anyways, this is the real pinnacle point of the story so, I hope it is good enough for you guys! As always, thank you for all of your kindness and thank you most of all for taking the time to read this. It was fun to write this chapter as well. I like coming up with cryptic dreams for Yuki. HAHA! This one is a little sick, I almost can't believe my little mind dreamt of such a thing! But, in any case, I hope you guys continue to enjoy my story and thank you for your support! Oh! And there is some weird time jumps in this chapter so I hope it isn't too confusing to follow. I know you're smart enough to put it together, though!

Shuichi awoke hesitantly in the cold, empty bed of the two story cabin nestled deep within Vermont's lush forests. The couple had only been here a day but Shuichi already felt the burdens piling up on his shoulders. Yesterday felt almost like a dream to him, Yuki's actions completely lost from reality. Things were getting worse by the minute but Shuichi couldn't find the chance to tell Yuki and end the madness once and for all. _He must have moved us up here last night,_ Shuichi thought, propping himself up and dusting the sleep from his weary head, concerned about Yuki's disappearance from bed. _He could be doing anything right now…_Shuichi's sleepy mind told him as he yawned loudly, rubbing the last bit of sleep from his face.

It was already well past noon but Shuichi still felt as if he hadn't slept a wink, the heavy feeling of jetlag and the exhaustion of keeping up with Yuki mixing horribly like oil and water.. Steadfast to start his day, he rolled out of bed and hunted for any traces of Yuki but to no avail. He wasn't in the bathroom, kitchen, living room, or even anywhere outside the cabin. Shuichi searched for a note but none could be found. Astonished and a bit worried, Shuichi returned to the bedroom and picked up the landline that lie waiting on the nightstand. It took him a minute but Shuichi remembered Yuki's cell number and tried calling it but there was no answer. _Must've left it home. Does us no good now. No time to waste!_

Curious, Shuichi peeked out the window in the bedroom and looked out onto the driveway. _That explains it…the car's not here, _Shuichi thought, eyeballing the vacant path. He tried not to worry himself but Shuichi couldn't imagine Yuki being able to go out into public, not in his current state. Who knows what kind of madness he would stir up with his unpredictable moods and short temper? He was worried more for the general public than Yuki at this point. Shuichi had to make a decision; stay home and wait for Yuki to show up or go out and try to find him. Choosing the latter, Shuichi snatched the keys to the snowmobile and road off through the forest, heading first for the small, pristine village in the valley.

* * *

_Yuki stood in the middle of the familiar road, the night sky weighing heavily on the snowy atmosphere. Very little was different about the scene of the crime; the cars headlights shedding light on Shuichi's body scattered across the pure white of the newly fallen snow, Yuki's bloodied hands, the jet black gun resting in his back pocket. But something was missing. Yuki stood, confused. He reached behind him, groping for the door of his Mercedes but he stumbled. Gone. _

_ At first, Yuki's interests in Shuichi's remains were peeked as they were before, the desire to tamper with whatever was left almost unbearable. But now Yuki was disgusted to the point of vomiting, dropping to his knees. He knew Shuichi's clone was out there somewhere but knew not where. The wide expanse of his surroundings gave him few options. Without much choice, Yuki high-jacked Shuichi's still running car and drove over the pile of blood and organs once characterized as his own lover. _

_ The road was vast and endless with nothing on either side, an everlasting world of white defined by Yuki's confusion. Yuki lit another cigarette, this time with the simple task of keeping track of time. With no landmarks, it was impossible to tell how long he had been driving or even how fast. The dials showed completely blank on the dashboard, nothing illuminated save the headlights. Losing himself, Yuki simply drove, forgetting Shuichi, forgetting the murder, forgetting himself. Just as his mind was slipping through the cracks of his broken consciousness, Yuki came to a screeching halt, unknowing of the cause. He felt his body jolt, the matter of the world around him quickly changing. The outer layer of his skin felt the icy air stinging at it but his insides continued to boil. _

_ As quickly as he had stopped, Yuki began to accelerate, his senses tempted by a mysterious but familiar presence. In an instant, the car turned off and the headlights flicked off, only the light shed from the moon and stars showing but it hardly mattered; Yuki knew what there was to see and he didn't want to see it. He sat stone still in the driver's seat, waiting for his inescapable fate. Even if he could flee, there was nowhere to hide here. Something told him this was the end, the ultimate atonement for his sins. Not even the light of God could reach him now. So he sat in the darkness, the hazy moon watching and waiting._

_ "Did you really think I would forget?" The whisper of a raspy, war-torn voice nipped at his frozen ears but his gaze did not break. Shuichi rustled in the back seat, adjusting himself so he could comfortably wrap his naked arm around Yuki's stubborn neck. "You thought I would forget how you ruined my life?" _

_ Yuki gasped, the sharp words piercing a tender place in his heart. If there was any doubt, it had been answered. "I tried to tell you in the beginning that I was no good." Yuki responded in a sullen tone, Shuichi clenching his arm tighter around Yuki's neck. Shuichi's idle hand slithered around to the driver's seat, patting and searching until it found the warm gun just beneath Yuki's thigh. Slowly, his hand took it up, placing it firmly at the back of Yuki's head._

_ "That isn't the problem. I still loved you then." Shuichi said, his voice caught in the icy air. "How long is it going to take for you to kill me?" _

_ "I…" Under the pressure of Shuichi's strength it was impossible to speak, impossible to make any sense. _

_ "First Kitazawa. At least he did something to deserve his fate." The snark tone of his voice awoken a beast Yuki had tried so hard to suppress. _

_ "You don't know…" Yuki muttered as he tried to slip out of Shuichi's grasp. "You don't know…what he did to me…" _

_ "So he let a few thugs tear your asshole apart. It would have happened sooner or later." Yuki felt Shuichi's hidden grin behind his words, his muscles tensing with every tear at Shuichi's skin, anything to turn around and beat him to a pulp or blow his brains out again but he couldn't break free. Effortlessly, Shuichi kept him pinned, sneaking his lips closer and closer to Yuki's ear as he spoke. "The best thing Kitazawa did for you was become an excuse."_

_ "Wh…What?" Yuki said, his face engulfed in flames, spit flying with every labored breath. _

_ "Drive." Shuichi said, keeping the same position, holding Yuki back, keeping the pistol contently placed at the back of Yuki's scrambled head. Yuki reached for the key, his fingers desperately turning it. After a few tries, Yuki dropped his hand and tried to breath, his esophagus slowly collapsing on itself. "DRIVE!" Shuichi shouted, like a warning from an angered beast, beating the back of Yuki's head with the barrel of the anxious gun. Although the pain was sweltering, Yuki pushed his body forward and put all his might into starting the ignition. Fortunately, the car started and the headlights flipped on. _

_ Yuki's eyes widened, glazed over with premature tears as they settled upon on unimaginable image, his cortex laden with repugnance. "This is what I think about your past. This is what I think about Kitazawa."_

_ Put on stage by the sharp headlights, another Shuichi clone stood naked and unscathed, holding and shamelessly fucking someone from behind. His face laced with pleasure, his legs grew weak and he quickly took it to the pillowy bed of snow covering the pavement. Vapor like smoke from a chimney billowed from Shuichi's gaping, moaning mouth as his thrusting became more violent, his partner limp and unmoving, crumbling under the weight and movement of Shuichi. The flesh was grey, a shadow in the snow, and slipping from the bone. As Shuichi pushed deeper and deeper into the rotting flesh, the ooze of decomposed matter bubbled from the cadaverous mouth of what was Kitazawa, the silver bullet shining in the starlight. _

_ Yuki began to sweat; vexation, contempt, terror, and an inability to breathe churned until he could do nothing but give up the fight. He lay limply in the driver's seat of the shabby car believed to be Shuichi's, letting his words slip in useless drabble as he casually watched the Shuichi clone literally fuck the brains out of Kitazawa. Nothing was sacred anymore. "So…this is all…all I meant…" _

_ "Kitazawa makes a poor excuse." Shuichi's voice changed. He sounded as he would in the real world, whimpering and pathetic. "I tried to erase that boundary but it wasn't enough. This is what I think of you." Without hesitation, Shuichi's lingering finger pulled the trigger, the gunshot echoing forever in the white space._

Yuki woke up abruptly, a white flash smashing into his face, his body lunging forward. In a panic, Yuki looked around, astonished to find that he was in the rented car, crashed in the forest. The whole front end hugged a lumbering tree, the airbag had released on command into his drowsy face.

"What?" Yuki said, wincing from the whiplash and rubbing his sore neck. Smoke and emissions flew to the grey sky, snow melting on contact with the overheated vehicle. Yuki quickly shut off the car then fumbled for the door but the car was totaled; it was a wonder he survived. Both doors of the small 2-door were forced closed by the twisted metal; Yuki had no choice but to wait. _How long was I out?_ Yuki pondered as he continued to try fruitlessly at the door. Giving up, he sat back and took in his surroundings. He was wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and still burning from within. Nothing looked familiar to him but how could it? _It doesn't look like I'm on a main road at all…_He peered out into the dark forest, unable to determine time or location, a slave to space and time.

In an attempt to find some comfort, Yuki climbed into the back seat, huddling to fit his body on the seat. With nothing to hold his mind in place, his thoughts began to wander until the vision of his dream played before him. "No…" He whined, squeezing his eyes shut and clasping his hands over his ears, trying to keep things in check but failing. It was too late for anyone to bring him back.

"You can't hide, Yuki." A voice came from outside, taunting him.

"SHUT UP!" Yuki screamed wildly, breathing harder and harder as the unforgettable image over Kitazawa's abused corpse play over and over in his mind. "JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!" But the voice continued to laugh and prod at his vulnerable brain.

"I found you exactly where you thought I wouldn't." The voice snickered. "It's a shame you didn't die as I had hoped." Yuki perked up, wiping the fog from the windows to look out into the black forest. Trees took horrifying shape turning to menacing giants, their digits turning into a tangled mess of vessels, all seeping the same rotting internal fluids that Kitazawa had foaming from his mouth, an ocean of it collecting at the forest floor. He stared into the night, the moon once more his only guide. The shadows of the forest played tricks with his suffering mind.

"How long are you going to search, you idiot?" The voice beckoned. "I'm right here." Yuki's eyes darted and fell upon Shuichi coupled with Kitazawa's lifeless corpse. Shuichi waved and grinned as he unzipped Kitazawa, starting from the behind, ripping the tender hole and separating the leathery skin. Yuki winced, tears running from his eyes, sticky mucus from his nose. Try as he may, he couldn't tear his gaze away from the two men. He stared on as Shuichi wordlessly, balefully tore the corpse's grey, petrified skin, ripping his body with his bare hands. Kitazawa's lifeless face, void of those crystalline eyes Yuki had known so well, seems to wane in misery, his jaw hanging open as if he was trying to scream from the other side. A plethora of maggots huddled in his eye sockets and nostrils, moving agitatedly at the movement caused by Shuichi's tearing.

Yuki tried to call out, try to make Shuichi stop but his voice was lost. Sweat drizzled from every pore, his muscles throbbed and his mind bending reality in unspeakable ways. The air in the car was dense as Yuki's breaths came harder and harder. He was blinded by tears but stared on, watching intently as Shuichi lifted the pile of skin he had tore from Kitazawa's dead bones, leaving his naked, exposed corpse lying face first in the snow, the family of maggots screaming in the ice. Shuichi lifted the bloody rotting skin and draped it around his body, using the skin from Kitazawa's face as a mask.

"Is this better, Yuki?" Shuichi questioned, coming up to the foggy car window and smiling behind the corpse's skin. Yuki could do nothing but scream in immaculate terror, his face a mess of tears, snot, and saliva. He pushed his body back onto the seat and, with every ounce of strength he had, kicked at the back window of the car over and over until it began to crack. With each powerful kick, Yuki screamed wildly until the glass shattered and Shuichi disappeared.

The sun kissed the snowy mountains as it crept over the horizon, burning any remains of the nightmare world Yuki's mind had created. Yuki lay back, breathing in the fresh cold air that stampeded in through the broken window. He closed his eyes, rejoicing the morning, before wiping his messy face off and sitting up, tending to his bleeding ankles and picking away shards of glass. He found a bundle of his clothes in the passenger seat and snatched them, climbing out the smashed window, careful not to step on the invisible glass hiding in the snow. He quickly dressed himself and slipped his boots on, wincing as the high tops touched his tender ankles.

_Fuck…_ He thought, looking at the totaled car. _What am I supposed to do with this?_ He looked a while longer and decided to simply walk away from the scene. He walked in the direction of the rising sun, following his now almost hidden tire tracks in the hopes of finding the road. He stopped to light a cigarette, pondering how far he could have gone from the cabin. _When did I get in the car?_ The questions picked at his mind like a jackal. _How long has it been? Hours? Days? Where is Shuichi?_

_

* * *

_Snow flew like misplaced pixels as Shuichi continued to dash through the forest path atop the snowmobile. After following the main path down into town, he decided to check the forest more thoroughly, unable to ask the villagers if they had seen him. _Anything could happen now…_ he sorrowfully thought worried more than anything that Yuki might be in danger, or worse.

The sun was slowly setting but his search continued. Trying his best to keep the unsettling thoughts out of his head, Shuichi called out for Yuki over and over, desperate for any sign of his presence. The light of day growing dimmer and dimmer, he flipped the single headlight of the snowmobile on and continued to drive. The temperature plummeted with the light, slicing through Shuichi's coat as he flew deeper into the forest, tears of labor flying backward with the accelerated wind. _What if he left town completely? What if he abandoning me here…_ Shuichi came to a halt, catching his break and sniffling under the pastel sunset. Feeling defeated, he sat back down on the snowmobile, resting his head in his arms and hunching over on the handles. _Is this really happening? After only two days? _Shuichi hit the center consul, growing angry with himself for being so useless. _I couldn't save him…he's probably dead in a ditch somewhere and I couldn't do anything._

Just as Shuichi started the snowmobile again, something caught his eye. A little ways into the forest he could see another vehicle. Apprehensive but curious, he approached it. His heart jumped up into his throat, recognizing the car immediately.

"YUKI!" Shuichi cried out, running to the car. "YUKI?" He looked down at the broken glass glistening in the depleting sunlight, seeing the drops of blood imbedded in the pure white snow. Hurriedly, Shuichi jumped onto the trunk of the car, poking his head into the broken window. "Yuki! Are you in here!" No response. He pushed his small body into the car and searched frantically but was confused to find nothing in the car. _He must have broken out but where would he go? Yuki…_ Shuichi could only faintly see Yuki's descending foot prints in the shifting snow. All he could conclude was that Yuki had made it out of the forest alive but once he hit the main road; there was no saying where he went. Broken inside, Shuichi head back up the mountain to the private cabin.

* * *

Finally up the mountain only minutes before sunset, Yuki sat to rest on the porch of the silent cabin, sweating from excursion and withdrawal. His whole body shook as he sat in the frigid snow, vomiting the small contents of his stomach mixed with a pinch of blood. He hadn't eaten or drunk anything all day and, without his morning medication, he felt weak, his insides boiling, his muscles feeling as though they were unraveling under his skin. With great effort, he finally stood up and rushed into the cabin, stumbling as quickly as he could to the top of the stairs, taking a double dose of his pills. He struggled to keep them down; his head dipped low into the bowl of the toilet, clenching his stomach to keep the pills down. He rapidly tore at his clothes until he was completely naked once more; the cool tiles of the bathroom only a temporary relief to his magmatic body.

A few moments passed before Yuki felt well enough to stand without feeling nauseous. Enervated from the day's events and eager to lose himself in the comfort of an alternate reality, he threw himself onto the bed, shutting the light and closing the blinds. Up here, it was pitch black. Yuki couldn't feel the bed beneath him, looking out into the blackness as if he was floating. Nothing could shape-shift; nothing could break him up here. He clenched his eyes shut, waiting for the drug to take effect but feeling worse as time ticked slowly on, the heat inside his body driving him to the edge of what little sanity he had left. His hands searched the bed, grabbing the empty, cold pillow beside him, clutching to the only indication of earth he could find. He focused on breathing, feeling the hands of death tighten around his entire body as he tossed and turned trying in desperation to find a comfortable position, a cold spot in space, somewhere he felt welcome but it was no use.

"Shuichi…SHUICHI!" Yuki screamed subconsciously. Even in torturing him, Shuichi was the only one that could make him realize his past or present, the only one that could bring the world crashing back down on him. But, he wasn't here. The cabin was empty and Yuki felt trapped in the weightless bed. Even in the darkness, he could feel the presence of things spawning in all around him, the marching legs of baby spider stomping on his bare skin and climbing into his body through his open holes; filling his mouth as he screamed, scratching at his eyes, filling his nostrils, breathing becoming an even more daunting task. He could feel them enter his ears, invading his head and hiding in the wrinkles of his fizzled brain. The marched right into his anus putting an unwanted pressure in his lower abdomen as they filled him with their offspring. Even his urethra wasn't safe for the invasion, the small spiders entering painfully, crawling into the capillaries and flowing into his blood stream.

"SHUICHI!" He called again, spitting the spider out, swiping with such fury that one would think he was convulsing. He crashed to the floor, continuing to scratch at his skin and drawing blood. His mouth was too full to scream anymore; instead, he gagged and choked, his body roasting the spiders inside.

* * *

Shuichi slammed the front door open, the wind carrying the cold and snow in through the front door. "Yuki? Are you here?" Shuichi called, hearing the bangs above him. Before he had time to think, Shuichi was bolting up the stairs, ripping his jacket off on his way up. He threw the door to the bedroom open, practically ripping it from the hinges, and quickly flipped the light on.

"Yuki!" Shuichi said breathlessly and ran to the side of the bed. The floor around Yuki was covered in vomit and sweat, Yuki lying on his back, his body still moving uncontrollably. The sound of his choking was terrifying to Shuichi but he acted quickly, flipping Yuki on his side. Once on his side, he began to vomit more violently, but the convulsing seemed to lessen. Lacking knowledge and knowing better than to hold him down, Shuichi simply waited with him, squeezing tightly to his hand and calling his name softly. The pressure from Shuichi's hand woke Yuki up, the cabin coming back into view, Shuichi's forlorn face in front of him.

"Yuki?" Shuichi said tiredly, waiting for some response. Yuki grunted and tried to bring himself up off the floor but Shuichi stopped him. "I'm going to call an ambulance, ok? You need help."

"I don't…need…any…"Yuki began to say. "I need…I need…my…"

"You don't need those fucking pills, Yuki!" Shuichi shouted before Yuki could finish. Something within him was awakened as he quickly took to his feet, face to face with Shuichi. He looked at him a moment before pushing him out of the way to get to the bathroom, realizing his body rejected the last set of pills. Shuichi stumbled but caught his balance, quickly running after Yuki, grabbing him by the waist and flinging his weight backward, knocking the wind out of his lungs as Yuki's dead weight fell on hi. Yuki impetuously swung his fist back into Shuichi's gut and jutted up, back on his feet and running to the bathroom. He instantaneously flung the medicine cabinet over, knocking over the few other medical supplies they had to get to his medication. Shuichi got to his knees, holding his stomach and glaring angrily at Yuki. After a moment of labored breath, he stood and marched to up to Yuki, still standing at the sink after guzzling four more pills down. He snatched the prescription bottle from the lip of the sink, unscrewing the top and walking to the toilet. Before Yuki could react or even realize what was happening, Shuichi dumped the bottles content into the dormant water and flushed.

Time stood still as Yuki stared in disbelief, shifting his unseeing eyes from Shuichi to the toilet and back again. His entire body broke out in cold sweet, his head pulsing with the rapid beating of his raging heart. Shuichi predicted Yuki's actions, running into the hallway in fear of his rage. Yuki charged for the toilet and ducked his head low into the bowl, reaching his hands into the cold water and searching in vain for the pills he so deeply desired. Shuichi watched in disgust from the hallway as Yuki frantically brought the water to his face, desperately trying to get any of the medications remains. Growing tired of the pathetic sight, Shuichi walked up behind Yuki, easing his hand on his shoulder only to get shoved away.

"Come on, Yuki." Shuichi quietly said, advancing toward him once again. "It's no use. They're gone." Shuichi tugged at his shoulder again but Yuki effortlessly brushed him off. Shuichi furrowed his brows, embarrassed at how weak Yuki had become. _This isn't Yuki…_He thought as he put a last ditch effort into ripping Yuki away from the toilet, using both hands and digging his fingers into Yuki's tensed flesh, trying with all his might to force Yuki to stop.

"Yuki! Snap out of it!" Shuichi shouted over the roar of the splashing water. "Those are what have been ruining your life!" Yuki stopped on a dime, hovering over the toilet for a moment in silent rage, absorbing Shuichi's words but not hearing them.

"What?" Yuki asked in an eerie voice as he slowly shifted to face Shuichi.

"Are you so blind? Those things have been the reason for all your outbursts and violence towards me. It's those pills that ruined you!" Shuichi confessed, finally getting the burden off his chest but fearing his wild lover's reaction. This time, Yuki took no time to think, pouncing at Shuichi, grabbing him by the throat and slamming him against the far wall in the bathroom.

"You think that is what the problem is?" Yuki's maniacal eyes bore into Shuichi's leaving an imprint on his soul that could not be erased. Shuichi did nothing but stare on is terror. Yuki cocked his head, tightening his grip on Shuichi's frail neck. "I've never felt better in my entire life!" Yuki grinned, laughing at his own intoxicated words. "YOU! You are the problem here! You've always been the problem! And the worst part is you never fucking leave me alone! So, what must this owner do with this unwanted pup?" Yuki licked his lips before bringing them next to Shuichi's ear. "Kill." He whispered, laughing loudly again.

Shuichi did nothing to resist as Yuki took him by the neck and dragged him downstairs. Shuichi's small mind could not grasp the urgency of the situation but his instincts told him to get out, but he couldn't figure how. _He's really going to kill me!_ The one thought dominated the rest as he tried to think of a clever way to escape without getting murdered. For the moment, Yuki was too close. Shuichi decided to play by his rules until he could find a way to slip out the still open front door.

Yuki dragged Shuichi's still body to the kitchen, grabbing a pair of scissors from one of the side draws and walking into the living room. There he pinned Shuichi to the ground as he hacked at the wires of the television and several lamps in order to bind Shuichi's hands and feet. _Shit! _Shuichi felt foolish for not fighting when he had the chance, his wrists burning from the tightness of the knots.

"What are you going to do?" Shuichi said, his face hot and red, his eyes filled with a familiar dampness. Struggling on the floor, Shuichi positioned himself to look at Yuki's grinning face looking down at him, blocking the light. Shuichi gasped, Yuki's face unreadable.

"You really think I would be so foolish to give away my plan?" Yuki responded, scissors still in hand. He kicked Shuichi and knelt down behind him. Shuichi winced, expecting an explosion of pain but was surprised when Yuki simply started to cut his clothes off, starting with his shirt in which he did a terrible job, not bothering with the sleeves so much as the back and neck. Yuki was very particular about getting Shuichi's pants off, rabidly cutting and tearing at the denim until his entire lower half was bare.

Yuki tossed the scissors asides and quickly took Shuichi by the hips, separating his cheeks to expose Shuichi's succulent hole. He smiled, slowly inserting two fingers, searching Shuichi's interior and taking hold of Shuichi's hard manhood.

"I want to hear you cry my name one more time before I off you." Yuki's fingers jabbed and rubbed, smiling at Shuichi's curling toes, hitting his spot and rapidly jerking him off, clutching tightly.

"Just fuck me." Shuichi said, gasping as Yuki repeatedly played with his erogenous areas. "Just…put it in!" New tears formed in Shuichi's eyes, his mouth gaping as he begged. Inside, Shuichi was glad for this last taste of Yuki.

"Eager to die?" Yuki laughed at Shuichi's pitiful state. He quickly fulfilled Shuichi's wishes, forcing himself into Shuichi's hole once more, lying heavily atop Shuichi's back. Taking a fistful of Shuichi's hair and forcing his face into the oriental rug, Yuki pummeled Shuichi from behind, Shuichi screaming in pain and pleasure as Yuki went harder and harder. Amidst everything, Shuichi couldn't help but notice his restraints coming loose, especially the wires around his wrists.

The next few minutes were critical for Shuichi as he had to devise a plan under such distracting circumstances but, with hope restored, Shuichi put his mind to work. Shuichi smirked to himself. _Perfect._

"I-is that…the best you got?" Shuichi cried out, panting heavily and mouth still gaping, an arsenal of saliva sliding from his lips and onto the carpet. _Hurt his pride._

Yuki pulled out and pounded a fist into Shuichi's head. "Not good enough for you?" Yuki said, enraged but hungry for more of Shuichi's inner walls. Yuki picked Shuichi up by the neck once again and forcefully shoved him onto the dining room table. Shuichi submissively leaned his body on the cold wood and took Yuki's hard beating, paying attention to the state of his shackles all the while. _Could he make it any easier! _Shuichi thought in excitement, keeping up with the rouse for just a bit longer.

Once more Yuki took hold of Shuichi's pulsing erection, leaning in close enough to nibble on his neck. Shuichi arched his back, breathing hard and whimpering with each of Yuki's powerful thrusts, each force feeling like it was tearing his tender skin. "Harder!" He managed to demand. Shuichi held his breath, needlessly trying to hold back but ultimately failing, coming all over the carpet underneath the table. Yuki snarled, gripping Shuichi's hips and exerting himself to his limit, the motion making the wires slip more and more. Shuichi screamed, his voice becoming raspy from his shrieks. To Shuichi's advantage, Yuki finally came, a thick warm wave of liquid filling Shuichi until he burst from behind with Yuki's remains.

Exhausted, Yuki stepped back and leaned on the couch. With no time to recover himself, Shuichi took action. Freeing himself from his ties, Shuichi took the nearest chair and raised it up against his head, swiftly cracking it down on Yuki's head. Yuki fell to the floor but was still conscious; Shuichi needed to run. He kicked the last of the wires from his ankles and scampered to the foyer, taking Yuki's long winter coat from the hanger and quickly slipping on his boots before running out the open door into the night. He fumbled in Yuki's pocket. _Spare keys to the snowmobile!_ Shuichi ran to the shed, quickly grabbing a canister of gas before starting the snowmobile and dashing off down the mountain to the village below.

Yuki stood up, blood dripping from his golden head, his muscles still tense and sore. He walked to the door and watched the light from the snowmobile disappear as Shuichi made his getaway, leaving Yuki alone in the cabin. Feeling faint, Yuki shut the door and sat on the couch and passed out, his head now bleeding profusely. _Let him run._ He thought. _He'll never make it…_

_

* * *

_"Tohma Seguchi. Who may I ask is calling?" Tohma's melodic voice asked as he stepped out of the prestigious club, leaving his company inside.

"This is Yoshio Tanaka," answered the baritone voice, laced with concern. "I'm sorry to call at such an hour but you're the only person I have to contact here."

"In regards to?" Tohma said, generally uninterested.

"Well, you are affiliated with Eiri Uesugi, are you not?"

Tohma snapped to attention. "What about him?" Tohma said, putting up his defenses.

"As I'm sure you are well aware, Mr. Uesugi had been prescribed an unfinished drug a little over two weeks ago." Tanaka began, his voice shaking with worry. He had been able to contact all the patients he had dealt with besides Yuki, his most violent and vengeful. "We have received more information about the drug and it has been urged for all users to stop and get rehabilitation assistance as quickly as possible."  
"But…Yuki is…"

"Yes, he is on vacation." Tanaka finished, hearing the anguish in Tohma's tone. "I'm unaware of his location, which is why I'm calling. We need to stop treatment immediately and get him into a rehabilitation program. I hate to make this your responsibility but is there anything you can do? If we don't stop him now, it may become detrimental to him or the people around him."

"Yes…yes. I know where he is and I'll bring him back as soon as I can." Tohma answered without considering anything else, is world stopped knowing Yuki could potentially be in danger again. "Thank you for contacting me. I'll call to let you know when I get to him."

"Now, in terms of compensation, I could pay for-"

"That would be unnecessary." Tohma said, cutting Tanaka off. "The only thing that matters is Yuki's well-being. Now, please. I must go."

"Yes. Thank you." Tanaka said before hanging up, breathing a sigh of relief, unknowing of how far Yuki's state had already escalated.

Tohma dashed into the club, grabbed his coat, and sped off to the airport.

"I'm sorry sir but flights to that area have been cancelled due to heavy storms in the way of the route." The woman behind the counter said as Tohma frantically tried to bargain with her.

"Do you know who I am? You can't request a different route?" Tohma pleaded.

"No, sir. The best I can suggest to you is to take a flight to Europe and go from there but to go east is too dangerous right now. If you were to fly through Europe, it would increase your time by another 5 hours."

Tohma sighed, defeated. "Ok, let's do that. Where would I be stopping off and how long would the layover be?"

"We have a flight to France that would pick back up en route to New York in an hour upon arrival." The woman said, smiling. "I'm sure you could catch a cab or rent a limousine from there to get to your destination."

"If that's the best we can do then let's not waste time. When does this flight leave?" Tohma reasoned, too rushed to put up a fight about it.

"It's going to be leaving in twenty minutes. Is that alright?"

Tohma nodded and laid down the cash on the counter with a considerable tip, grabbing his ticket and walking away.

"Sir!" The woman called to him. "Don't you want your change?"

"Keep it," he said without turning around. "Thanks for your help." The woman stared as Tohma walked off, losing himself in the crowd. She looked down at the money and back to where Tohma had been walking, thinking about how he could save his dearly beloved before it was too late.

**Thanks for reading and much love to my baby chickens!**

_To be continued... _


	13. Decline

Disclaimer: Not claiming anything, folks!  
Author's Note: Yeah, so, long time no write...Sorry about that! Well, if anyone is actually still around to read this, that would be amazing! I have been very bad and haven't updated in so so long...But I haven't forgotten about you guys! I just have been so busy and thought it better to start writing when I wanted to and when I knew I could put some good thoughts into it. I'm on summer break now. Hoping I will motivate myself to update more. I was lacking ideas for a while and thought that I should just write when I wanted instead of forcing myself. I hope you guys will forgive me. In any case, this chapter may not be up to par with the others. I'm a little out of practice and somewhat experimenting a bit with this chapter so, I hope it's not a deal breaker! Oh, and a thing to explain here. The stuff in quoted italics represents "real" English just so this dialogue isn't confusing. I hope it isn't confusing that I did that. Haha! Anyways, please enjoy and thank you all for your patience. I never had any intention on abandoning this story but I did need a bit of a break! I hope you understand! :) Read on!

Cascading splashes of snow followed Shuichi as he sped down the mountain on his getaway snowmobile. Dusk was setting in and so was the imminent cold nipping at Shuichi's tight skin as well as chilling his empty heart. Tears could no longer form is the shattered boy's eyes, his soul erased under Yuki's rule, becoming nothing, vanishing before his own eyes. He didn't know where he was going but it mattered none, it meant nothing if he couldn't fix his relationship with the only person he loved. No where would ever be as satisfying as Yuki's side, so Shuichi road on into the darkening sky, into the slowly rising moon, its melancholy face guiding Shuichi to no where. The trees buzzed by and kissed Shuichi's quivering shoulders as he passed, still rushing at full speed.

It became hauntingly dark in the forest as Shuichi continued his getaway, he squinted and struggled to see what lay ahead but it wasn't enough. With no headlights and trees shielding the only natural light, Shuichi ran head on into a lazy evergreen, apathetically shaking as the impact threw Shuichi from his seat. His head bounced off the trunk of the tree and his body fell limp to the snow. He lay there a moment, his eyes closed tightly, wincing in pain and shock of the immediate accident. Finally, Shuichi scrambled to his feet, his fingers gingerly caressing the bloody injury on his forehead. Before anything else, he quickly shut off the snowmobile, grabbing the keys from the ignition to avoid a potential outbreak of fire. Overcome with emotion, fear, and fatigue, Shuichi slumped to the fluffy frozen ground once more. Every muscle was tense, his skin clung tightly to his chattering bones, and Shuichi could do nothing but quake and heave as he cried without tears. He kept his eyes to the ground, the shaded snow reflecting nothing. Snow patted the pines timidly, filling the legion of trees' branches with a galaxy of crystallized water molecules, the ageless trees growing heavy and unmoving, watching Shuichi in his desperate, pathetic state. The wood creaked, laughing at the wreck of a man that littered their natural, sacred grounds. Not a soul in the forest would pity him, but in his heart, Shuichi knew what he did was right. Everything was right.

_That's right…_Shuichi allowed himself to think for a moment, a small spark of emotion thrusting through his barrier of brokenness. _It was all right. Yuki and I were right…But now he is a different person…I won't be able to forget our past, no matter how ominous it sometimes was…but, at least we were all right then. _Shuichi's mind tip-toed through all the memories Shuichi had gathered with Yuki, the good times, the horrible times, the euphoric times. A wave of exhaustion hit him hard, his body becoming numb and non-existent as the flow of neurons dominated his wary brain. He subconsciously set his body against a tree, not feeling the cold wet snow beneath him or the frosted breeze icing his vulnerable cells. Yuki invaded his mind as he gave into his exhausted state. The only thing he could feel was the hot streaks of tears chasing each other down his rouged cheeks. The memories filled his head, stitching themselves into a long, intricate dream, filled with all the love and drama that defined what he and Yuki had all along. Every moment was beautiful, even the pain that was always relieved with some show of affection. Could Shuichi ever forget these things? Could he ever stop feeling love for Yuki even after all he had done? Could Shuichi survive without Yuki? Even in his dream state, Shuichi felt pathetic for thinking such weak thoughts…but Shuichi honestly didn't know if he could move on from this. He couldn't imagine giving up on Yuki…Something he had worked so hard for, something that was his…And now something he could not control. Shuichi tossed as the unconscious thoughts sprouted and grew in his mind until the sound of songbirds filled the atmosphere.

Shuichi's eyes fluttered open, his troubled mind washed clean with Vermont's golden morning light. The small birds floated through the sky, calling out a gentle morning alarm. Shuichi shivered hard as he felt the cold that had seeped into him during the night. He checked himself for any frostbite, forgetting that he only had the long trench coat on and shred of the clothes he had been wearing before Yuki raped him. He was surprised to see his fingers and toes survived such cold, his butt so numb it felt nonexistent as he stood. _Well, the snowmobile is not an option…_Shuichi thought as he stretched, trying hard to get some circulation flowing to his thawing body. Shuichi scanned the area, looking for some signs of civilization but all he could see was endless forest. _Great…I'm lost._ He thought in fear. He tried to see if he could find the tracks from the snowmobile last night but, as luck would have it, the snow covered them. He couldn't go back even if he wanted to. _No sense in staying here. _Shuichi began to move onward in the direction the snowmobile was pointing, hoping that it would eventually lead to the other side of the massive wilderness.

* * *

Shuichi had no idea how long he had been walking but it was certainly hours. He felt as if he had made no progress, wasting the day and getting himself even more lost. The trees still laughed at him as he shuffled across the snow, clutching tightly to the jacket. Shuichi's butt slammed to the frozen ground as he was about to give up hope for the day but then he smelled something familiar, something human. The smell of burning wood tickled his nostrils, the smoke smell covering an even more familiar smell; bacon! Shuichi stood immediately, sniffing the air like a dog, his nose to the sky. He tried his best to follow his senses, his mind telling him that the smell was getting stronger but Shuichi really couldn't tell. He kept his sights to the sky, looking for a streak of smoke in the glittering sunlight. His efforts were rewarded as he saw a strip of grey claw through the perfect blue. Shuichi ran in the direction of the smoke, his heart jumping with excitement.

The thick, dense forest eventually opened up to a small village nestled within the thicket, the wooden structures seemingly built around the tall and mighty trees. Shuichi limped onto the dirt path, his feet bruised and torn from his daylong trek. Suddenly Shuichi grew tense. _I…I don't know any English!_ His feet scraped against the dirt as he reverted to the trees. The wind tempted their branches, the creaking chuckles filling the forest once more, taunting Shuichi to enter the village. Snow slabs slipped from the heavy branches casting snow all around Shuichi. He stumbled back onto the road, looking back at the deep green, and deciding to seek help within the village.

It didn't take long for Shuichi to find someone out working in the village. The early evening sun shown its heavenly light throughout the little village and the unfamiliar faces didn't seem so dangerous. A woman caught Shuichi's eye. She was outside in her front lawn, beating a large rug, the dust and debris releasing into the air. She was an older woman but was very strong, the force of her beating moving the rug considerably. Her graying hair was clipped back, tucked modestly at the back of her neck. Shuichi decided she looked friendly enough but still approached her with a grain of apprehension.

"E-excuse me." Shuichi muttered quietly in Japanese knowing that the woman wouldn't understand. She didn't seem to hear him, the noisy beating continuing without falter. "Excuse me." Shuichi repeated more loudly. This stirred the woman, her head jutting back and forth looking for where the voice had come from. "Here." Shuichi said, guiding the woman with his voice.

"_Oh there you are_!" The woman exclaimed. "_I thought I heard something. I'm sorry but what is it that you said?_" The woman stared in confusion as Shuichi stood there blushing, not understanding a word the woman had said to him. He didn't know how to respond. She didn't seem mad but he didn't know how to explain it. _I guess I ought to try and say something or she'll think I'm some weird homeless pervert…_

"I…I'm lost. I'm cold and I can't go back to my cottage." Shuichi's eyes greeted the woman's, seeing the shock and confusion spread across her face. He cast his eyes back to the ground, his mind racing with anxiety.

"_Oh dear…_" The woman said, touching her pale fingers to her lips. "_You must be a vacationer…Oh dear…And you look awful. Did something bad happen to you?_" Shuichi's eyes stayed to the ground, the dirty snow lining the little path in front of the house. He stayed frozen, not knowing what to do or say, his eyes twinkling with his dear arsenal of tears, the warm salty water visiting his hot cheeks again. The woman shook her head and grabbed Shuichi's frail arm, leading him into the small wooden cabin. "_You come here and I'll fix you up but you can't stay too long…My husband…well…he's a very controlling man._" Shuichi watched her face mold into a pained expression, understanding her feelings without knowing her words. He followed her in; things couldn't get any worse as far as he knew.

"_Please, sit._" The lady smiled, guiding him to a small, unkempt sofa. Off-white from age with a tacky rose bush print but it was homely enough. And warm. The warmth of the cabin was so inviting, Shuichi was relieved to finally melt the ice that consumed him. The kindly woman observed Shuichi's tattered body for a moment, examining the cut-up remains of clothing that still clung to him from the night before. His hair was messy and wet from melted snow and cold sweats. The skin of his feet was scabbed and bruised, his thin frame shivering from eternal frost. The woman's expression saddened, the shell of a man sitting in front of her, the sight too much for her to bear, her kind heart yearning to nurse him back into perfection. She shook her head, knowing it was suicide to do such a thing. Finally she stepped forward and put out a hand for Shuichi. "_Mary,_" she said, shaking Shuichi's hand with her right and pointing to herself with her left. "_My name is Mary._"

_Mary…_Shuichi thought, looking at her cheerful face and feeling the light grip of her hot hand on his. _That's her name…_He knew how to respond to this. "Shuichi," he said, retracting his hand and pointing to himself. Mary's face softened, the wrinkles in her worried face vanishing.

"_Shuichi!_" Mary exclaimed with excitement. Even Shuichi smiled at the small understanding between them. "_I'm going to get you some clothes and a glass of hot tea for you, honey. I'll just be a moment._" She slowly said and dashed off to the narrow hallway. It didn't matter how slowly she spoke, Shuichi would never understand her. He sighed, wishing there was some way he could get back to Japan and just start life over. He would do anything to end this nightmare. But, for the moment, he felt safe. Mary was kind enough to even bring him in for a moment, a second. Shuichi was grateful to her. He tried to focus on his situation, trying desperately to keep his mind off of Yuki, but it was impossible. The very fact that he tried not to think of him caused him to think of Yuki. He was hopeless. But he refused to cry again. So Shuichi became blank, not knowing how to cope any other way, and waited apathetically for Mary to return.

Mary stepped back into the quaint living room and set out a clean set of clothes in front of Shuichi. They were men's clothes, most likely her husbands, Shuichi figured. She set down a steaming mug of English tea on the dark wood of the coffee table. "_For you._" She said, smiling widely and motioning to the tea and clothes. He nodded and stood, take the clothes and searching for the bathroom. Mary took him to her bedroom and allowed him to change in there. The clothes were much too large for Shuichi but it didn't matter to him. The feeling of clothes against his bare skin again already took the edge off. He was happy enough with a pair of socks. He put the heavy jacket back on over the clothes and opened the door, stepping lightly back into the living room and taking his tea. He looked at the time. He couldn't believe how dark it had become outside but it was only 6:30 in the evening.

The winter night came as quickly as her husband through the cabin door. Mary gasped, instantly panicking, not expecting her husband to be home so soon. _He can't be here!_ Mary's brain sent out a warning to her entire body at once, her being rocking in anticipation of the blow out she knew would happen in a matter of seconds. _He'll kill me…He'll kill him!_

Shuichi couldn't help but notice the look of absolute terror on Mary's face. Without knowing what was happening, Shuichi felt the stress of the situation taking over his nerves. "Mary!" he called with a heavy accent trying to break the fearful spell she had fallen under. "Mary! Please! Calm down! What is happening?" He could hear the slamming of the door across the cabin and the heavy footsteps of what he could tell was a very large man. Shuichi knelt with Mary, shaking her, calling to her, but nothing. It was like she was made of stone.

"_MARY!_" A boisterous voice called from the hallway. He passed the living room and saw the idle tea on the coffee table. He became instantly irritated by the sight of uncleanliness and disorganization. "_MARY! What are you DOING, you stupid BITCH! What have you been doing all fucking day?_" The anger in his voice was anything but subtle, each of his words piercing Mary and causing her to tremble beneath Shuichi's tame embrace. The footsteps clambered closer and closer to the room. Shuichi didn't know whether to flee or stay and face what was behind the bedroom door. His cowardess shown as courage as his body decided his fate, his muscles stuck in time and space, his eyes glazing over as he stared without a blink at the musty old wooden door. Both Mary and Shuichi's heads spun to the door as they heard the doorknob jiggle. The speed of the room fell considerably, Shuichi seeing things happen much slower than they really could have. But, once her angry husband's fist met Shuichi's eye socket, the world began its regular speed. Shuichi's hand shot up to his eye, holding the explosion of pain throbbing on his face.

"_NO! DEAR! PLEASE!_" Mary shouted out to her enraged, irrational husband but it was no use; even she knew that. The husband's attention was taken from Shuichi for a moment and directed now at his quivering wife, her eyes peeking from behind her fingers in a feeble attempt to shield herself from his blows.

"_What the fuck do you think you're doing? Letting other men into the house? And a fucking homo no less?_" His fists continued to pound on Mary's weak body, her face pouring with blood. She bit her lower lip, keeping the tears and screams in, praying for the beating to stop and praying even harder that Shuichi would flee. "_You letting this faggot where my clothes? I'll KILL HIM!_" Shuichi froze again, his eyes glued on the bear of a man that was lumbering toward him. He didn't know much English but he knew he was not wanted. He knew that "faggot" was a derogatory term in English. And he could guess what "kill" meant. Again, time seemed to stand still as he panicked, trying to think of something smart to do, something he could do to escape.

"_RUN!_" Mary screamed to Shuichi, caring not about the immediate consequences. Without the courtesy of a warning, Mary's husband spun around and kicked her to the floor, kicking her over and over all up and down her body. Shuichi took no time now to think. His nerves got the better of him, the coward in him showing its true colours. His legs carried him straight out the front door, his feet stumbling on the large pants he was still wearing. He ran straight back to the forest he had come from, running from the village and not turning back. _Everywhere I go…bad things happen._ Shuichi's mind was burnt out but the simple thought of uselessness persevered. He knew now that he must be the problem. He must be the one causing everyone pain. He must be the one causing Yuki's pain…changing Yuki's heart…turning him into a beast. Shuichi shook the thoughts from his mind and continued to run.

* * *

Shuichi had stopped running miles back but decided to continue walking through the night. The thought of having such unwanted dreams and memories again did not please him. The night was so frigid, even if Shuichi wanted to stop, he would die. He thought it better to keep his heart rate up and search for a new place to stay. He had no way to tell where he was or where he was going. He would never be able to find his way to the cottage. Hell, he wouldn't even be able to find the crashed snowmobile. It felt so long ago but it was only one night ago. Only one night ago that he realized December was ending.

_To be continued..._

**Much thanks to all of you and even more love!**


	14. Mending the Faceless Man

Disclaimer: Owning nothing  
Author's Note: Impressive, eh? Two chapters in the same week...lucky enough to get one each month! But, I think I may be inspired enough to finally finish out this story and thank goodness! It had been bothering me that I couldn't muster up the ideas to finish it off. Anyways, kind of a slight diversion from the way I have been writing this story...maybe not, perhaps that's just me thinking I've changed my ways a bit. Either way, I hope this chapter and this story is somewhat amusing still and thanks to all you good folks out there reading!

The morning's radiant oranges and reds shown bright across the sky, touching every mountain top, kissing the trees a humble good morning and sparkling across the glitters encrusted in the freshly fallen snow. They sky was perfect blue, spiny green daggers thrust themselves upon the clouds, the blood drop cardinals seeping from the wounds, the sky's endless injury. Tiny claws scattered across the sturdy roof, the pattering barely entering the silent atmosphere. The crimson songs of morning slipped into Yuki's consciousness, his drained body still draped along the cottage's homely couch. His eyes blinked frantically awake, blood and sweat mixed on his brow. His limp arms slowly brushed the sleep from his eyes, his other arm working tirelessly to hoist the man's carcass to a sitting position. Yuki's firm fingers visited the twang of pain where the chair had struck him on the head. The pads of his fingers traced the mountainous scab formed in a forest of his golden hair. His stoic expression lay unchanged as he continued to wipe at his irritated eyes, his vision cutting in and out, squinting at the brightness of the magnificent sun.

"Thirsty…"Yuki's dry mouth formed the silent word. He blindly fished for his glasses on the coffee table, placing them sloppily on the bridge of his nose in the hopes of improving his faulty vision. He looked longingly to the kitchen, his wild eyes quivering at the sight of the refrigerator. Yuki forced his body up, the suddenness of gravity causing him to tumble back to the couch. His body quickly curled into a fetal position, his stomach panging in desperate pain, empty pain, lusting pain. Sweat formed at his temples and slid carelessly down his prominent jaw bone, tracing his face with an energy waste land. The pain overtook him causing him to gasp helplessly on the couch like a fish out of water. As much as he tried to ease the pain, it proved impossible. Eventually his body gave up and what little remained in his stomach spread across the pristine floor. His throat burned and screamed from the light coating of acid that had been washed across it, his mouth holding the remains of his insides. The pain subsided in that instant and Yuki attempted to stand once again. This time he had been more successful but he soon found standing to be no better.

As much as he told his body to move, his feet stayed glued to the spot, his tired eyelids closing the curtains to the world, the kitchen a century away. Yuki's mouth gaped like a freshly caught bass, struggling in the hands of the fishermen, searching fruitlessly for the water that would replenish him, give him life. With much force and concentration, Yuki managed to shuffle his foot across the Oriental rug. His legs formed a pattern, moving in sync, carrying his body to his destination, his thigh bumping the solid coffee table. Yuki didn't lose focus, keeping his one track mind on the thirst, the desperation, the need. His feet took him all the way to the kitchen, his arms reaching up in salvation, hands taking the shining glass between his very fingertips. He couldn't be bothered with opening the fridge so he ran the tap, putting his glass neatly under it, collecting the cold water which ran through icy pipes. Seconds later, the chilled crystal pressed against his lips and fed him the pure nourishment he had craved for so long. The movement of his eyes slowed, his body cooling, feeling the chill run through him. His head throbbed and his muscles tensed and spasmed as he kept balance.

The old cottage counter took the abuse of prying fingers, absorbing the struggles of failing legs. Yuki's mind was blank, his body working on instinct. His eyes saw nothing. Was he alive or was this a dream? Was he dead? Was this heaven? Couldn't be…He could do nothing but stand in the emptiness surrounding him, clutching the glass of rippled water, sipping on it needily every now and again. His mind could not even process his own presence, eyes blind to his hands, to his body, even retching to see the glass of pure water, the liquid that would wash his soul clean. Neurons and synapses worked in heavy overload trying to perceive the location of this being in which it supposedly controlled but this was beyond human processing. Yuki had no choice; he was being erased. No one existed here, not even him. Everyone here was lost, cast away with forgotten memories and hopes diminished. His brain could not even make sense of the surges of hormones flowing throughout the invisible body, the so-called emotions this entity was born to feel. No matter how much he yearned to feel, his expression remained blank, his visions blinded in a white light, his mind refusing to conform.

The glass shattered against the porcelain tiles, bringing Yuki's spirit back to Earth, into the present. He glanced at the floor, the sun's bright rays refracting off the army of glass shards at his feet. He stepped back slowly, fishing for something to sweep up the mess with. He took hold of a paper plate, ushering the glass into the center as best he could under his conditions. Satisfied with his clean up, Yuki stumbled to the trash and threw everything in, reaching for the kitchen counter top again.

Once stable, Yuki peered around the cottage, taking in the environment and answering various mental questions. _Where am I? This looks nothing like home, nothing like my dreams, nothing like anywhere I have ever been. Nothing this self has seen. Where am I? How long have I been here? And where…where is Shuichi? I don't see him. I haven't heard him. This place…this place is a wreck. What could have happened? Was it me? Did I do this? Is this why he's gone? Is this why I am like this? _

_ "You were supposed to be with me." Yuki heard a quiet voice reply. "This was supposed to be our time. You were supposed to love me. I would be here with you now if…" The voice did not continue for several moment, Yuki searched the open air for the owner of the voice although he could recognize the voice anywhere. Who else would call for him but Shuichi? Shuichi Shindou. He is supposed to be here with me. That was his voice…He's speaking to me…but, I can't see him. Will I ever see him? Where…_

_ "You drove me away," the voice returned. "You were supposed to take care of me, and I you. You drove me away. This is the last time. I won't return." The voice sounded empty and monotonous though its final words held sharp sorrow at their core._

_ "Where are you now?" Yuki called out for Shuichi. "Where are you? I'll come for you! And we can stay here! In this world! You'll see, it's better! Things will be better…I just need…I just need my…"_

_ "You can't. It's gone. I killed this world…This is already dead." The voice was absolute, knowing what the soul was yearning for, knowing the thing that would support this unfair world. _

_ "What do you mean? This is great, don't you think?"_

_ "Too bad only your eyes can find beauty in this place." The voice called over Yuki's questioning. "The world I see is not what you are seeing. You…You see bliss. You see paradise, you're in heaven. I see reality. I see every day life. I see you…changing. I feel your torture, the pain that follows me day in and day out. It is all I can help but see. And I have lived with it long enough." The voice paused as if to observe Yuki's confused, concerned expression. "I've lived with it…But this December…is ending…" Again, a pause between words and a gathering of thoughts. "Ending faster than you know."_

_ The voice remained silent for many minutes before Yuki realized it had vanished. He stood in the blinding light again, his stance falling into a white cloak, legs wobbling like a newly born fawn. "Shuichi?" He called in a calm voice. "Shuichi…can I find you? Am I too late?" He waited for an answer from the skies but none came. No wind blew, nothing spoke, nothing existed. I must be stuck again in this ugly place. I must be alone again. It must be my fault again. He always leaves. Everyone leaves me. I radiate hatred and death no matter what I do. I blew it. I fucking blew it._

_ "You still have time…" Shuichi's voice sung out. Yuki stood in astonishment at the voice once again, even the air resonating with the melodic sound. Yuki thought, translating the words in his mind, thinking hard how to react to the words. Fighting against his own brain, Yuki tried to feel, to experience emotion once again. 'Time…' he thought 'there is still time…' The words repeated in the light, the rays splitting, revealing a fiery core. His heart had been lifted, his eyes in focus._ He smiled, he couldn't deny this feeling.

The small amount of energy in his body surged as old waters of the calling sloshed between the creases of his brain, the happiness he felt perking him up, keeping his head up high and his spirits even higher. But the blissful feeling took its toll, heat exploding in his bothered intestines, bringing his heavy body to the floor again. Yuki could do nothing to hold back his cries of pain, his moans reaching the silent trees outside. His stomach was already empty but it didn't stop his body from trying to force more out. Sweat poured from his skin, snot dripping from his upper lip and spattered on the floor as he gasped for breath. Finally a combination of blood and bile spilled across the floor, colouring it an unnatural orange. His body shook from the work it took to vomit, every muscle vibrating with anticipation of more retching. Yuki took control of himself, looking at the mess he had become.

He couldn't tell if this was his real self but his desolate soul called out for something it had once cherished, a life it had grown so accustomed to. Something so essential had been missing for so long, something so precious. Something that directed him, fixed him, stayed by him, made him worth a dime, gave him something he thought he could never feel again. _But…is this reality…or is this just me…just me thinking that I'm myself…_Yuki stayed kneeling on the floor next to his insides, pondering his sense of self, his being, questioning this feeling of yearning. He couldn't tell if these feelings were real or if it was another self induced illusion but Yuki knew what he wanted. He knew too well what he had to do. He had to save Shuichi.

Yuki's body thrust into realization as if he had been shot directly in the core of his being. _Shuichi._ _This has never been about me. I never needed to change. I never needed anything. It wasn't me. I didn't need the help, the pills, the counseling. Not me…but Shuichi. Shuichi needed help. Something needed to change in Shuichi…something pills or counseling wouldn't help. It couldn't be just anyone. It had to be me. I had to be the catalyst. I could have saved him…I needed to save him. But, I'm too late. Shuichi's gone. Shuichi must think I've changed…have I? I can't even remember the last week…I don't even know what has played out right before my eyes. Where have I been? What did I miss?_

_ The stage was set and all the characters were in play. The place was unfamiliar to Yuki, the audience was empty. He took a modest seat a couple rows back from front, choosing a seat directly in the middle. The stage was simple, rather plain. A single couch sat on the far left of the stage. The lights were dimmed, only weak light streaking the stage. A boy came from the shadows, scampering like a domestic animal across the spilled light, returning to the shadows every few steps. His face wore a mask; like the setting, it was quite plain. The mask was white, the holes where the eyes should be shown dark, black as if there was no face behind it. The structure of the mask was basic, the mouth pursed in a straight, blank look. The boy wore nothing besides the mask, every inch of skin displayed in the dim lights. His hair was unkempt, his nails were long and dirty, his knees all muddied up. Even with these flaws, he looked pristine, like a deity dancing on the earth for Yuki to see and no one else. Yuki looked around the arena once more. He couldn't believe there was no one here…what was this? There wasn't even a person in the light booth. It really was just Yuki and the shadowed god prancing above him on the wooden stage._

_ Another masked figure emerged from the shadows. This mask had an unsettling expression, a deep, long grin running from cheek to cheek. His eyes were smiling in a greedy, thieving way, capturing the attention of Yuki and the naked boy. The smiling mask stood between the shadows and the light, wearing a clean-cut, aristocratic suit topped off with his old fashioned fedora. His gloved hands rested on his tailbone, clutching each other, waiting, watching the boy. The boy looked over, stopped in mid frolic. The man startled him but amazed him. The empty mask seemed to show concern, the perfect body creeping near. His nimble feet floated about the floor, the boy moving in a fluid motion through the shadows to the edge of the light._

_ Hands clutched to his chest, the mask began to morph. It looked at the smiling man with furrowed brows, his pursed lips curling down, and his black eyes growing narrow. But his hands stayed in the same needy position, clasped together held femininely at his bare chest, protected his heart but lusting all the same. The smiling mask did nothing; it failed to react at all. Instead, it hovered past the boy, leaving the limelight. The only illumination in the room focused on the boy, his mask slowly changing again, now into a look of sadness, dissatisfaction, desire. The little god danced no more. He just sat down, gingerly placing his weight on the dry earth below. Yuki watched as the emotion resonated from the divine boy. There were no effects, the lights unwavering, but Yuki could have sworn that he saw a physical gust of emotion, something so tangible, it swept the stage. The boy reached his frail white arms to the sky, his head turning as if people were passing him, walking by him like a piece of trash, like he wasn't there. With each failed attempt to get someone's attention, the boy's frown pulled lower. The endless black eyeballs shed a legion of tears, forming a puddle, a pond, an ocean at his feet. Fog swept onto the stage, a yellow moon twinkling behind the boy's head, crowning the incredible sadness overtaking him. He stood on the water, looking out very far._

_ Minutes passed, the boy floating about the water, the light strokes of his weightless toes rippling the dark water. He waited and waited but the smiling man did not return for him. No one came for him. His face returned to its original blank expression but the water continued to flow. The ocean broke the stadium, sweeping Yuki up in its clutches. As quickly as the rush of water came, it vanished, revealing the sandy bottom. The air was humid but the sky was still dark with massive clouds. Suddenly, the boy's mask turned to Yuki, staring with the blank expression, the black hole eyes sucking Yuki into the boy. His attention could not be broken, the boy fascinated him. No matter what the fair boy did, Yuki was in awe. And now the perfect boy's eyes were on him. Only Yuki. The moment stayed motionless until the boy broke out in a gallop, running to the horizon without a second thought. Consumed with this being, Yuki could only let his legs guide him, chasing the boy to his mysterious destination._

_ Time stopped again, the back of a suited man. The smiling man. But his face had changed. His face was nothing. Flat and white, he was faceless, only a hard porcelain slab. The little god's face looked delighted, he flung his naked body to the faceless man, but he was pushed away. The man handed the boy a robe, turning away as he waited for the boy to change, not wanting to see his nudity, not wanting to see his freedom. The boy appeared in front of him wearing the robe, hiding his beautiful skin under the unnatural textile. His face blank once again. His brows furrowed in confusion. Why must he conceal his body? Why must he be constricted? Why must he be changed? But the boy forced a smile and stood by the faceless man's side, burying his face into the sleeve of the suit. The faceless man stood stone still, he did nothing for the boy, but the boy was in love._

_ Yuki kept his gaze on the scene, the boy fascinating him still. 'Why would he want something like this?' thought Yuki. 'Why would such a precious thing change for such a malicious man? Why would anyone want to change him? Why does he show such affection to someone who doesn't want him?' Yuki stayed frozen as he watched the faceless man control the young boy, stopping him from being himself, forming him into another person entirely. The mask on the boy became black, his features outlined in a blinding white. His face drooped, his eyes forever flowing in tears, his body curled. The boy began to collapse on himself so he took himself beside the man once more. He knew it would be bad but he didn't think it would be this bad. The boy's dark face stayed parallel to the faceless man's, his wrinkled, scarred hands reaching to catch his suit. The faceless man's mask began to morph, the white turning to a dark, deep, bloody red, gobs of flesh falling to the floor. Two squinted black eyes rolled into focus, looking at the boy who dared to touch him, who dared to challenge him. His grin stretched from cheek to cheek, bearing his sharp jagged teeth like the jaw of an anglerfish. He had no nose but rather two deep holes where the nostrils would be. His face looked like a fleshy skull, the first couple layers of skin shaven clean off. His body grew, towering over the boy. _

_ Yuki tried to run from the scene but fell upon standing. The ground was hard and cold, an infinite stretch of impenetrable ice. Yuki pulled his legs into himself and continued to watch the show, knowing he wouldn't go far unnoticed on the ice. There was no where to hide. He had to watch the show. He looked up at the beast, still growing. The boy stayed close to the ground, not giving the beast the time of day. He went back to his work, slaving alone a few feet away from the behemoth. The beast was not pleased, he didn't like being ignored. He swiped at the boy, tearing off an arm. The boy looked up, rose from the ground and floated around the bulk of the monster, his robe fluttering behind him, his skin peeking from behind the material. He reached the oozing face, flesh and muscle exposed. The boy's sad face lost its black colour and returned to its original pale form, his wild hair returning, his lips pursed and cherried. He took the battered face in his remaining hand and drew it close, kissing it slowly and lightly. Blood crept through the boy's fingertips, spreading across his lips and turning his white face red. The beast's black eyes honed in on the boy, his claws striking again, flinging the fragile body to the ice below._

_ The boy watched his arm tumble away from him on the ice, hiding in the fog and disappearing from the set. He kept his angelic face and lifted his body into the air once more, floating to the loathful face of the beast and kissing it, taking his time to do it right, to tempt the beast. He buried his face of red into the bloodied beast again, his plump lips penetrating the tender, raw meat of the falling face. This time the beast took the boy in his hand, slamming him to the ice and pinning him down. Another sheet of ice formed in the sky, both slabs so solid they shown like mirrors. Looking down at the boy, the beast could see himself endlessly. The boy looked past the beast into his own reflection. He saw infinite times his own body being abused, the beast shredding what remained of the robe, his claw slowly forming into the hand of a common man. The beast shrunk, stooping on the level of the battered being, teasing the divine boy as he worked to make him hard. _

_ Yuki gasped from the audience. The beast had two faces, both looking down at the boy. He saw his own face. Yuki was staring down at the boy. Yuki struggled to see the other face from the audience, he hoped his eyes were fooling him. It was hard to tell, but Yuki could swear he saw Kitazawa's face lumped next to his on the face of the beast. The same arrogant, controlling look on both faces, the look Yuki recognized all too well; the face that sold him, betrayed him, raped him. What was even more startling was the look on the boy's face, who the boy had become. Yuki saw Shuichi, his eyes glittering with tears, his face pained as the beast penetrated him. But Shuichi was not the only face Yuki saw on the boy. Yuki saw himself. Another version of himself. A younger, more trusting Yuki. He made the same face as Shuichi, staring back at himself in the beast. _

_ "YUKI!" a voice called from the clouds. "YUKI!" It sounded desperate. Yuki looked to the sky, searching for the voice. The other faces of Yuki joined him, all three faces looking closely at the sky._

"YUKI! Wake up!" Yuki's eyes flashed open, the sights from the real world blinding his dazed eyes. A face appeared in front of his, a familiar voice called to him. "Yuki, thank goodness! Tanaka wasn't kidding…"

"What…are you doing here?" Yuki said, focusing on Tohma's concerned face. It was still strange for him to see with clear eyes, to recognize someone without them falling to pieces, turning into demons or any other weird stuff.

"Your psychiatrist contacted me and told me you needed help immediately. I came as soon as I could. Where is your medication?" Tohma's voice sounded hurried, a bit more frantic than usual. Yuki tried to pick himself up but the pains in his stomach were fierce. He lay back down on the ground and looked back up at Tohma with hardened eyes, not wanting to seem weak in front of him.

"They're gone." Yuki answered. Tohma stared at Yuki. He wanted to believe him but, if things were as bad as Tanaka had mentioned, Yuki was probably only saying that to get him to leave him alone.

"Is that…the truth? By the way Tanaka made it sound, you are in bad shape…this drug is…doing something to you." Tohma looked down at Yuki like a scientist peering down on a test rat. Yuki clenched his eyes shut, turning away from Tohma. This isn't what he wanted to think about. This isn't where he wanted to be. He fought through the pain and got to his feet, Tohma following after. Tohma put a hand on Yuki's shoulder but it did nothing. Yuki tried hard to walk up the stairs to the room, hoping Tohma might give up but he continued to follow. Tohma helped guide Yuki up the stairs, wondering what was going on. Something about Yuki seemed too distant to him. It wasn't a big deal for Yuki to be cold but he was more than just cold; it was as if he was dead.

They reached the top of the stairs. Yuki stopped a moment for a couple of wheezing breaths, the pain in his stomach winding him. Sweat pushed through his pores, forcing him to dehydrate. He stopped in the bathroom, turning on the faucet and gulping at the stream of water. Tohma stood in the doorway, watching make sure nothing happened. Something caught Tohma's eye…on the ground by Yuki's foot. A prescription bottle. He looked without picking it up. It was the medication and it was empty. Yuki had told the truth. Tohma backed out of the doorway. _He's recovering._ Tohma thought, wanting to leave. How badly he had wanted to come and rescue Yuki once again, to aid his dearly beloved, but the deed had been done. Tohma was scared to see Yuki so lost, so unlike himself. Tohma didn't see Yuki at all. He backed all the way to the foot of the steps, his sights set solely on Yuki's body, but Yuki wasn't there. Tohma turned and dashed down the steps, throwing himself into the idle limo alone.

"Mr. Seguchi." The driver looked over his shoulder. "Where is Eiri?" Tohma shook his head, trying to shake the sight of Yuki out of his mind. Never had he seen a man so shattered and broken.

"He doesn't need me." He said, looking out the window to the snow dressed cottage. "I can't do anything for him now." The driver shrugged and pulled away, concerned quite little with Tohma's problems, his mind only on his pay. Tohma sat quietly in the back seat, regretting that he had left Yuki alone at a time like this. Tohma didn't know Yuki was getting worse…He didn't know that Yuki was being erased. In his mind, Tohma accepted his decision, but his heart cried out for Yuki.

Yuki stood in front of the sink in the bathroom looking into the mirror. It felt like forever since he had seen himself. His real self. He was surprised to see what he had become. His face was gaunt and beat red, glossy with sweat, drool, and snot. Traces of vomit streaked his face, specks of blood mixed in. His eyes sunk far into his head, dark circles surrounding them. His mouth was dry, his lips torn to shreds. He looked considerably thinner, some ribs showing. His body hunched, everything felt weak. His skin looked grey…maybe he really was dying. He tried not to think about it and sipped a little longer at the faucet before stepping away.

Something tapped Yuki's foot as he waddled across the floor. His wallet. He picked it up and brought it to the room with him, flopping down on the mattress with it and flipping through. He wasn't looking for money or credit cards but rather wanted to flip through his small collection of pictures. A couple of school pictures of his brother and sister, a stupid picture Shuichi had insisted on Yuki carrying. Yuki flipped by, noticing something behind the picture. He picked the small folded paper out of the plastic case, holding it in front of him. It only took a few seconds for him to recognize the paper and feel its looming presence.

_To be continued..._

**THANK YOU FOR READING AND LOVE SPARKLE BATH**


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